


Teacher's Pet

by wantisamlindyla



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ben's monster dong should get its own tag, Dubious Consent, English Teacher Rey, F/M, Forbidden Love, No Pregnancy, Please proceed with caution!, Rey has fantasies with dubcon elements, Rey is 30 Ben is 18, Rey is seduced, Rey was raised on bodice rippers...like the author, Safe to Read if Triggered by Pregnancy, Sexual Experimentation, She's into it but does not give verbal consent at first, Size Difference, Teacher-Student Relationship, Unsafe Sex, some dubcon role play
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-04
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:28:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 54,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23014774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wantisamlindyla/pseuds/wantisamlindyla
Summary: Rey thinks of those heated looks she catches him giving her sometimes, the ones that make her want to run away and hide.But, surely Rey is just imagining things, isn’t she?Ben is...tall, and handsome, he has a brooding intensity that sets him apart from the rest of the boys in his year.He is Leia Organa’s son. He was the school’s star quarterback, and he could have any girl in school that he wanted. In fact, according to what she had seen in the second floor girl’s bathroom, he’d already had most of them.Any adolescent crush he harbored for her must be long gone by now.Rey had been his teacher, she is almost 12 years older than him.There are just too many lines that will never be crossed.
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 808
Kudos: 1011





	1. Chapter 1

It really had been only a matter of time before the plumbing turned against her. 

Rey’s Saturday morning started like any other. 

She woke up and went for a run. 

When she got home she headed to the bathroom, turning on the shower to get the hot water running when the showerhead exploded off the shower wall. 

That was how Rey found herself in her local hardware superstore in the bathroom aisle scrolling through Youtube trying to find a relevant tutorial on how to install a new shower and tap set instead of joining her friends at their usual brunch spot. 

“Did you need any help?” 

Rey’s head snaps up at the familiar voice and finds herself staring into a pair of pretty dark eyes. 

“Oh. Hi Ms Niima,” Ben Solo looks surprised to see her. “I didn’t recognize you.” 

Of course he hadn’t. She wasn’t dressed for school, who expected their freshman year English teacher to be haunting the aisles of their workplace looking like a drowned rat in their sweaty workout clothes? 

“Hi Ben,” Rey glances at the green polo shirt with the hardware store’s name on the right side of his chest and the name tag underneath. 

She gives her old student a friendly smile, “I didn’t know you were working here.”

She hadn’t seen him around school for some time. His dad passed away suddenly a few months ago. Leia had taken a leave of absence and the deputy principal, Amylin, had stepped in as acting Principal. Ben had withdrawn from his classes for the final two months of the semester. 

“Oh, I just started, I didn't want to sit at home all summer.”

Rey blinks in surprise. Ben is starting his senior year in a month's time. She would have thought he’d be up to his neck with football training, starting to look at college applications, or going out with his friends enjoying his freedom before the final year of school starts. 

He glances at her phone and asks, “You’re looking for a new tap?” 

“New showerhead too,” Rey replies, “Only the existing ones are so old, I’m worried I’m going to get the wrong parts.”

Ben nods, “Did you take a photo?”

“Oh, sure!” Rey pulls up her photos, scrolling quickly through her camera roll as Ben watches her screen intently, she is slightly embarrassed by the number of photos she has of her orange and white cat stored on her phone. She pulls up the photos she’d taken of the broken shower head and hands the phone to Ben. 

His eyebrows shot up in surprise, “Oh wow, the tiles, they’re...really pink.”

Rey makes a face. “I know, they’re hideous. The bathrooms were renovated in the seventies, salmon pink was apparently all the rage.”

Ben grins and hands the phone back to her. Rey notices how small her old iphone looks in his massive hands and feels a small pang for the small, skinny boy who had joined her in her classroom for lunch during his freshman and sophomore years. 

He has been so horrifically shy; hiding his sullen face behind his lanky dark hair. It must not have been easy, being the smallest boy in the year _and_ the Principal’s son. As far as she could tell he didn’t have any friends and Rey had suspected he ate lunch in her classroom to avoid being bullied by the bigger boys. 

Rey hadn’t minded his company, he was smart as a whip, even if he tended to fold into himself in the corner seat to make himself as invisible as possible during her classes and never participated in the discussions, she had discovered that he was a voracious reader, and once he felt comfortable enough in her presence he had started to talk they had bonded over their mutual love of Murakami, Lord of the Rings, Hilary Mantel, and Galaxy Wars.

Then, between the end of his sophomore and junior year he’d gone through a freakish growth spurt. He had been unrecognizable when he came back to school, he towered above the tallest boy in the year and his shoulders had filled out considerably. 

And just like that it was like Rey had felt like she was watching an American highschool fairytale happen in real time. Ben quickly got drafted into the school’s football team early in the school year and he was so busy with training and being the school’s new star footballer, he had stopped eating lunches in her classroom. 

Rey still passed him in the hallway from time to time, leaning up against his locker with a new girl every other week hovering at his elbow. 

Ben always had a smile for her and greeted her with a friendly, “Hi, Ms Niima,” when their paths crossed, and Rey was truly happy to see him blossoming at school and all the attention he was getting. She’d missed their talks though.

Ben wanders over to the shelves and starts rummaging through the boxes filled with assortments of parts that had overwhelmed Rey for choice. 

“I think I know what you’ll need.” He tells her, crouching down to peer at something on the lower shelves, the shirt he is wearing strains over the back of his broad shoulders as he reaches into the back of one of the shelves searching for something. “I’ll give you a few different parts to take with you if you don’t mind, they’re not expensive, and it will save you the trouble having to come back again.”

He stands back up and turns around, showing her the new parts he had picked out for her, explaining why he thought they would be suitable for her shower. Rey is impressed by his know-how. She has enough tact not to ask where he had learnt how to fix a tap and thanks him profusely for his help. He assures her that it's fine and walks her to the till.

“Did you see the new Galaxy Wars movie yet?” Rey asks him as he ushers her to an unoccupied checkout station. 

“Oh, no. I haven’t had the chance yet. I read online that it was disappointing.” 

Rey nods. “It was soul-crushing. I think I cried for a week afterwards.”

Ben gives her a small teasing smile, “Mourning your space Hamlet?” 

Rey laughs. “Also for Kira. I just can’t believe they wouldn't give her the happy ending she deserved. It was such a betrayal.”

Ben puts through her purchases himself and packs them away in a brown paper bag for her. “Good luck Miss Niima.” He says sincerely, “Come back if any of the items aren’t the right fit, I’ll replace them for you, free of charge.”

“Thanks again, Ben.” She hesitates, then she reaches out and places her hand on his arm. “I was really sorry to hear about your dad.” She says softly. 

Ben doesn’t reply, he just stares at her hand resting on his arm. 

She bites her lip, wondering if she’s overstepping, she quickly withdraws her hand, “And if you ever need to talk, my classroom’s always open to you okay?”

She can’t read his expression, but he jerks his head in a nod, his Adam's apple bobs and as she leaves she wonders if she should have kept her mouth shut. 

Maybe he had been getting through the day just fine and here she was reminding him of his loss needlessly just because, what, she thought he would appreciate having an ex teacher he hasn't spoken to for over a year to assure him he could talk to her anytime he wanted? 

Rey makes it to her car before she lets out a mortified moan. 

***

Rey is pleased when the parts Ben had chosen for her fit and screw into place perfectly. 

She texts Finn and Rose to apologize for missing brunch along with a photo of her shiny, new showerhead and taps. 

**Finn:** 👍🏾👍🏾👍🏾

**Rose:** Queeeeeen. Look at you go! 😊

Rey rewards herself with a long shower before going into the huge kitchen to fix herself something for lunch. Her orange and white tabby, Baby, winds herself around Rey’s ankles meowing softly as she reheats leftover pasta from last night on a small portable gas stove. 

She had inherited the rundown Victorian Manor last year when, of the blue, she had received a letter from a law firm called BH Partners & Sons. The letter had informed her the firm had been appointed executor of her grandfather’s estate and she was the sole beneficiary under the will.

Rey had felt like the solid ground beneath her feet had shifted to quicksand.

She’d grown up in London in the system, shuffled from foster home to foster home for as long as she could remember. When she turned eighteen she had tried to find out any information she could about her parents. There was nothing. 

She had been five hours old when she was left on the doorstep of a police station in a town three hours’ drive outside of London. Pinned to the front of her blanket was a piece of paper with three letters on it, _Rey_. 

She’d almost died from exposure to the cold. They’d given her the last name Niima, after the town she had been found in. 

That was the extent of her file. 

She’d moved to America after she finished university. She had grown sick of grey, overcast skies. She’d bought a one way ticket to sunny Los Angeles, California. 

She immediately got swallowed up by the sprawling beachside metropolis. No plan, no friends, $4,000 in cash in her pockets. She spent her first night sitting on the beach, staring at the waves, shivering in her T-shirt and shorts, surprised at the temperature drop and tried to imagine what happened next, thrilled and exhilarated by all the possibilities. 

She’d found a teaching position here in Chandrila, a small beach side city about five years ago. Chandrila was one of the most expensive towns on the Coast, as if all the beach side mansions were not evidence of that already, the area was occupied with a mix of old-money dynasties like the Organas and new-money Silicon Valley CEOs who moved here with their young wives to start a family. 

She loved Coruscant Academy, she loved the students, she loved Leia, who was the most hardworking and caring Principal she had ever met, the school had also led her to Finn and Rose. 

Everything had changed when she received that letter.

She had been shocked to find out that she still had family. Even more devastating had been the knowledge that her grandfather had lived only a half hour drive from her workplace, that he had known of her existence and never even bothered to reach out to her before he died. 

She had met with her grandfather’s attorney in his office, a cold-mannered man named Armitage Hux who informed her his firm didn't have any information about why she had been abandoned at birth or how her grandfather knew about her and why he’d left her everything in the will. 

The estate wasn’t worth much. A few thousand dollars in a bank account and a huge Victorian Manor built in the nineteen century that was falling apart. 

Nobody would buy the house in the state it was in and the money it would cost to renovate it was astronomical. 

But, a house was a house. Rey had never had anything to her name other than the beaten up rust bucket she drove around in. 

Her teacher’s salary left much to be desired and the house was mortgage free, all Rey had to pay for was the rates and utilities so it had made sense for her to end her lease and move in. 

She had been disappointed to find no photo albums or letters or any personal keepsakes in the house to give her a clue as to the family she had come from. The only remains left behind of her grandfather was a soiled mattress in the upstairs bedroom where he had been found after a week by his cleaning lady and the electric chair lift that had been installed to help him move up and down the grand staircase. 

He had been close to a hundred years old when he died, and he had lived here all alone. 

_Why didn’t you come find me?_

_Why didn’t you want me?_

Finn and Rose had come over to see her new home and had immediately told her the place should be condemned and tried to convince her to leave with them and have it knocked down. 

Rey had refused. 

She had some basic repair skills, the foster family she had lived the longest with had been a severe and devout Christian family. Her foster father had been a stern, stoic German carpenter and he had bought home broken and old furniture, sideboards and tables, he’d found to restore and sell for money on the side. 

He had taught her how to use a hammer, and saw, and how to strip and varnish wood to make it gleam and look brand new. 

She had enjoyed the work, watching something abandoned and broken become beautiful again. She had even considered becoming a carpenter like her foster dad when she grew up but then he had died suddenly from liver cancer and her foster mother wasn’t willing to support Rey on her own, so Rey had moved on. 

She’d spent the last few months going through the rooms clearing out the rubbish she found. 

She’d ripped out the threadbare and moldy carpet in the downstairs rooms and found that the floorboards underneath were in relatively good condition. 

She spent her time watching house flipping programs and Youtube tutorials. 

The house had potential, she had told Finn and Rose. 

And it was nothing a few fresh coats of paint couldn’t fix.

But problems had started to pile up on her as soon as she moved in, it had been a very wet fall, full of thunderstorms all through September. 

First, the roof had started to leak, then, during one particularly strong thunderstorm most of the windows in the house had blown out, the basement flooded, and finally, the power in half the house went out. 

An electrician Rey had called out had informed her that whomever had done the electrical wiring in the house must have been a lunatic because none of it was up to code. 

Rey was currently sleeping on a mattress in a downstairs bedroom behind the kitchen that must have been the servants quarters because it was the only room in the house with working windows and that hadn’t been infested with the awful damp, wet smell that had permeated the house. 

Rey had turned the power off until she could figure out what to do about the electrical wiring. 

It wasn’t too bad, especially now that the weather had turned warm once more. 

She had gone to a camping supplies store and blown a thousand dollars from her savings on portable solar panels and a portable battery so she could keep a small fridge and heater running in the colder months. 

She still took her laundry to a laundromat like she still did when she was renting, she had battery operated lamps and she was saving money on her electricity and gas. 

Her grandfather had named her his heir and left her this house. 

Surely that meant something didn’t it? 

Maybe he had been unwell, and he hadn’t been quite in his right mind during his final years. 

Maybe he had been ashamed of what her parents had done and this house was the only way he could think of making amends. 

Rey had longed and waited her whole life for family, for belonging. This huge house was falling apart, but it belonged to _her_.

And she was determined to make the best of it. 

She had decided she would fix it up herself. She’d devote her time and love to it and turn it into a real home. 

She imagined the exterior of the house once it was finished; the windows restored, the walls covered with a fresh coat of paint and the surrounding gardens cleared of weeds and neatly landscaped. 

During winter the fireplace in the living room would be lit with an inviting and cozy fire to fill the house with warmth and light, the rooms would smell of smoky wood-fire. 

Sometimes, just when she was falling asleep, she allowed a tall, dark-haired, faceless man to make an appearance and hold her in his big strong arms while they danced barefoot on the perfectly restored hardwood floors. 

Perhaps transforming this ruin to that perfect home would take years. She would need to scrimp and save every penny to put it into this place. 

But if there was anything she was good at, it was waiting, and fixing broken things. 

***

Rey had to return to the hardware store a few days later, it was a particularly hot day, she didn’t dare turn on the air conditioning in her car for fear of overheating the engine so she is a sweaty mess when she runs into the store, she doesn’t pause to enjoy the store’s cool air washing over her. 

She dashes straight into the tools and equipment aisle and finds herself colliding with a tall, hard body. 

“ _Oof_.” Rey nearly falls back onto her butt but a pair of huge hands quickly reach out to steady her. 

“Miss Niima, are you okay?” 

It’s Ben, staring at her with worry on his long, pale face. His eyes dart down her body with concern before quickly returning to her face, his cheeks turning pink. 

She is wearing an old white t-shirt, denim shorts, and flip flops. Rey had left the house in such a rush she’d forgotten to put on a bra. She suddenly realizes her nipples are probably poking out through the thin material. She forces herself not to cross her arms in front of her chest. 

“Hey, Ben. Hi.” Rey says breathlessly. “I need your help, I need a really sharp knife and a drywall hammer. The biggest one you have.” 

“Oh, sure.” He quickly takes her down the aisle, grabbing her the hammer and a knife before hurrying to the front for Rey to pay. “Is everything okay?” 

“It’s my cat.” Rey explains, feeling anxious and sick. “I didn’t see her all day yesterday and then just now I heard her scratching and calling for me from inside a wall. I tried to cut a hole to get to her, but none of the knives I have are sharp enough for the job.” 

Ben scans her two items and her credit card in record time and she thanks him, clutching her new purchases to her chest, she runs back out into the parking lot. 

Her car won’t start. It’s too hot. It will be hours before the sun sets and the engine is cool enough to start again. 

Rey leans her forehead onto the steering wheel trying not to cry.

Poor Baby, she’s the worst cat owner in the world. Why hadn’t she thought to seal off the vents in the house? There are probably a hundred of them, filled with juicy rats and tempting spiders, it had only been a matter of time before Baby crawled into one of them. 

Rey wonders how long she’s been stuck. She hadn’t shown up for her breakfast yesterday morning, and then again this morning, that was when Rey had started to get really concerned and started looking all over the house for her. 

She is distracted from her misery at a gentle knock on her car window. 

It’s Ben Solo. 

“Is everything okay?” 

“My car won't start.” Rey’s voice comes out scratchy and she blinks back some frustrated tears. 

Ben looks over her beaten up 1986 Toyota Corolla and says, “My shift just ended. Can I give you a lift?” 

Rey nods gratefully. She grabs the hammer and the knife and follows him across the parking lot to a metallic grey Chevy Chevrolet with black racing stripes. The license plate says M FALCON. 

She slides into the passenger seat, staring at the beautifully restored leather seats. “Boy, you’ve got a sweet ride there,” she says quoting a line from one of her favorite bad movies. 

Ben huffs out a laugh at her terrible Southern accent. “She was my dad’s.” He explains. “His pride and joy.” 

He starts up the engine, it comes to life with a smooth purr, an arctic blast of cold air comes out of the vents as Ben carefully backs out of the parking spot. 

Rey smiles at how slowly he maneuvers the car. She would have forgiven a teenage boy with a car like this one to be a little reckless, but his big hands on the steering wheel carefully guides them out of the parking lot to merge safely onto the road. 

“Take a left here,” Rey directs him.

The car falls silent, so Rey asks, “How’s your mom?” 

“She’s fine. She’s been going to lots of out of town conferences. Our therapist says she uses her work addiction as a coping mechanism. I just think she is using work to avoid our therapy sessions.” 

Rey blinks, taken aback by his candid answer. “So therapy wasn’t her idea?” 

“Oh no, it was,” Ben replies, his eyes on the road, “Our Rabbi suggested family therapy and she thought it was a good idea at the time, but I think she thought the therapist was going to be working with me on my anger issues, she didn’t realize her and her work addiction was going to get so much focus.” 

He glances over at her, a little startled. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to unload all that on you. You can pretend you didn’t hear it if you want.” 

“It’s ok.” Rey assures him, wishing she could reach over and take his hand in hers. “I told you my classroom door was open to you. I meant it. Even if school’s out at the moment.” 

Ben looks over at her again, his face is open and earnest when he says, “You always made me feel welcome. I never thanked you for that. It wouldn’t have been fun, listening to an annoying kid talk at you for an hour straight when you’re supposed to be on break.” 

“No, not at all.” Rey assures him, “Sometimes I read a book or see a movie and I think that you’d really enjoy it and I find myself wanting to tell you about it. I - I’ve missed our lunches.”

Silence falls again. Rey glances over at him and his jaw is clenched tight, like he wants to say something but he’s trying to hold it back.

“Right here,” Rey says, “It’s the house on the end of the cul-de-sac. Can’t miss it.” 

Ben pulls into the wide driveway peering out the windshield to look at the house with its boarded up windows, tall cast iron fence, the gardens overgrown with weeds. 

“This is where you live Miss Niima?” 

“Yup. Welcome to my castle.” 

“God, it looks like a murderous clown is going to come out of it at any moment and take the form of my darkest, deepest fear.” 

“Actually Pennywise is a very respectable housemate. He stays down his well most of the time and remembers to put the toilet seat down after he uses it.” 

Ben grins and puts the car into park, “Can I come in?” 

“Only if you help me rescue my cat.” 

***

Ben cuts a neat hole into the drywall with her new knife and Rey reaches in to pull out a dazed and filthy Baby, she meows pitifully and drinks thirstily from her water dish while Rey fusses over her, nudging a fresh can of catfood at her little nose. 

Ben wanders into the kitchen long after Baby has scoffed down her tin of food and Rey is cuddling the grungy cat in her arms, not caring that both of them are probably covered in muck and dirt that is at least a hundred years old. 

Ben takes a seat on the floor with Rey and Baby, crossing his long legs lotus style. “You did a good job on the floors in the living room.” 

“Thanks, I’m going to leave the varnishing till after the rooms have been repainted. But the roof needs repairing so that’s going to take priority now.” 

“You’re doing all this on your own?” 

“My friend Finn comes over when I need an extra hand, but otherwise, yeah. I’m working on it whenever I can find the time. I took a job teaching night classes at the community college to help with cash, but most of that is probably going to go to the electrician.” 

“What about your windows?” Baby has escaped Rey’s arms and wandered over to sniff curiously at Ben. He pats her head absently as he stares at Rey with concern. “What if there’s a summer storm? You can’t replace the wiring without getting those windows fixed up first.” 

Rey shrugs helplessly, “I know, but the windows are too old, I can’t just replace the glass, I have to replace the whole frame as well. The carpenter who came out quoted me four hundred dollars for each window. I think there’s fifty windows in this house that would need replacing. I don’t have that kind of money lying around.” 

Ben purses his lips, gets up off the floor to walk to the closest kitchen window, he turns back around to face her after a moment and says confidently, “I could do it.” 

Rey blinks. “What?” 

“The windows, I know where to get the materials for the frame, and it will only set you back about fifty dollars for each window.” 

Rey gapes at him. “Ben, no, I couldn’t - I wouldn’t be able to pay you for your time.” 

“I don’t want your money Miss Niima. I need a project to get me through the summer. This is perfect.” 

Rey casts her mind around for a reason why she can’t accept his offer of help, “Surely you have enough to keep yourself busy? What about football practice?” 

“I quit the team.” He says offhandedly, turning his head to look around the kitchen. 

“After - well, it just didn’t seem important anymore. Besides, all the attention and the pressure, I didn’t actually enjoy any of it. It was turning me into a huge asshole, but it took my dad dying to make me see it. I don’t want to spend my time training my ass off so I can be good at throwing a stupid ball around a football field. I want to...have time to read again, and spend time with the people I really care about.” 

Ben turns and the look he gives her...every single hair on her body raises up in warning. 

Her heart pounding, she opens her mouth to tell him no, but before she can he pads across the room to her, crouching down so their faces are more or less level. 

She looks into his dark, needy eyes and everything inside her weakens and softens. 

She recognizes that look, it’s been over three years but she still remembers walking into her classroom with a pile of papers to mark and a sandwich to see a young man in the corner desk looking at her with those same eyes. 

“Please, Miss Niima? Let me help you.” 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I was pretty overwhelmed by the responses to the first chapter. 
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who read and left a comment or kudos. I love you all, thank you for coming on this journey into the depths of the trashcan with me. 
> 
> I still have my Knives Out fic to finish (please check it out if you haven't already) but I am fairly optimistic I can still manage to post one chapter per week. Saying that, however, my puppy is starting puppy training school this week and she's becoming more of a handful so just a warning that the next chapter may take longer than this one did.

Ben is as good as his word. 

Rey hands him two thousand dollars in cash, and a week later, she comes home from work to see an unfamiliar truck parked in her driveway and somebody has mowed the lawn so that it's no longer overrun by weeds as high as her waist. 

She follows the sound of voices and the whir of power tools around the back of the house to find a large hairy man watching on as Ben saws through the kitchen windowsill with an intimidating blade. 

The hairy man is instructing Ben that he needs to stop as soon as he feels the saw hitting the body of the building, but when Ben looks up and sees her standing there he turns the saw off, pulling off his protective goggles and introduces the man to Rey as his ‘Uncle Chewie.’ 

Chewie grunts and shakes her hand, asking her gruffly if she is the owner of this money pit, gesturing to the house. 

“Don’t mind him,” Ben says as they head over to the truck, “I needed to borrow his oscillating saw and he wanted to make sure I knew how to use it.” 

Ben pulls back a tarp in the back of the truck to reveal a dozen custom built double glazed windows. 

The amount of work and time Ben has put into building the windows is self-evident. 

They don't look at all like she had been expecting: perhaps a little shoddy, clumsy or crooked, like the works she sees on display by her students from their wood and metal work class at the end of the school year. 

Instead, her new windows have been skillfully put together. Ben has even gone to the trouble of painting the wood a clean white color. 

He watches her, waiting for a reaction. 

“Ben, this…,” Rey runs a finger over the cool glass, her heart feels so full. She can’t recall anybody ever going to such trouble on her behalf. 

She struggles to find the right words, this house has been one trial after the next ever since she moved in.

She can already imagine how good her windows are going to look once they’ve been installed. The fresh white wood is going to breathe new life into the old house, it’s the first step towards that restored and cozy home she’s been dreaming of for herself. 

“They look perfect. She finally says. “It’s almost too much. I honestly don’t know how I’ll ever make it up to you.” 

He tries to act nonchalant but her praise lights up his face. His cheeks are dusted pink when he replies, “Well, I wouldn’t mind some of those peanut butter cookies you used to share with me at lunch.” 

Rey smiles, “Okay, deal. I am going to keep you supplied with home-baked goods for the rest of the year.” 

***

But of course her oven isn’t functioning, so Rey goes to Rose’s apartment on Saturday to take over her kitchen. 

Rose listens as Rey tells her about the phenomenal job Ben and Chewie have been doing with her windows, “He sounds so sweet.” Rose says, “I’d never have known you were talking about the same Ben Solo as the one that makes my boss’ forehead vein throb every time they talk on the phone.” 

Rey throws Rose a curious look, her best friend works at the school as a senior administrative assistant, she works closely with Leia and Amylin and is far closer to Leia than she will ever have the opportunity to be. “Do they argue a lot?” 

“I’m not sure but the relationship has always been tense,” Rose pours herself another glass of wine as Rey mixes a fresh batch of cookie dough.

“I think Han and Ben were really close, Leia says Han was the one who knew how to deal with their son whenever he got into one of his moods or threw tantrums. Can you imagine a thirteen year old throwing tantrums like a three year old? Cause that’s how Leia described it. 

“Now that Han is gone, I don’t think either of them really know what to do with each other besides being super passive-aggressive or just ignoring each other. It’s so sad.” 

It is sad. 

Rey throws an extra handful of chocolate chips into her mixture before she says, “Ben said he quit the football team. I was shocked. He was doing so well last year, the school almost even made it to Quarterfinals and everyone said it was because of the new school quarterback. 

“After the game against Exogol High, Ackbar was saying that Ben could probably get into any college he wanted with his grades and his performance at that game.” 

“Oh yeah,” Rose snorts, “Coach Snoke was livid. Apparently he kept calling Leia’s phone and demanding she force Ben to return to the team. But according to Leia, Ben’s grades are good enough he could still probably go wherever he wants if he doesn’t want to play.”

“I do have to give Ben credit for keeping up with his studies with everything that happened last year.” Rose continues thoughtfully, “I would have thought his GPA was going to drop for sure with that reputation he got from going to all those skanky football parties.” 

Rey’s head snaps up. “What?” 

Rose takes a sip from her wine glass, giving her an odd look. “Don't you know? Rumor around school is that Ben Solo had sex with at least half of last year’s junior and senior girls.” 

Rey’s mouth drops. “What? Who told you _that?”_

Rose giggles, “Haven’t you been in the girl’s bathroom on the second floor next to the art room?”

Rey frowns. “No, why would I? I use the one in the teacher’s lounge.”

Rose shrugs. “Well anyways, Leia got wind of the rumors, that’s why the junior and senior boys got pulled out of class and got sent to a full day mandatory sexual health and education seminar earlier this year remember? We had that speaker come in and talk about sexual promiscuity?”

Rey does remember, but to think Leia had hauled half the boys in the school into a full day sex education seminar rather than just talk to her son directly was too peculiar. 

“But it was all just rumors right?” She asks weakly.’

Rose pauses peering at Rey's face, “Why are you upset?” She asks curiously. 

“I am not,” Rey quickly denies, “It’s...they’re just my students. It's weird to think about them like that.”

“We gossip about your students all the time.” Rose points out. “ _You’re_ the one who told me about Karé and Snap hooking up at band camp, and then how both of them were acting all shy and awkward around each other, and you purposely made them sit next to each other for the entire year. We both thought it was the cutest thing ever!” 

Rey avoids Rose’s eyes and concentrates on making sure the chocolate chips in the dough are evenly dispersed. 

After a moment she says quietly, “Ben was a really good student. And he was so lonely - he kind of reminded me of myself, when I was his age. That boy is always going to have a special place in my heart, you know?”

“I guess...it’s weird to think of him as being old enough for casual sex.”

“Aww, that’s so sweet,” Rose gets up and comes around the counter to fold Rey into a hug. “It’s okay to feel that way, you didn’t grow up with siblings or cousins, but that's how it feels when you watch them grow up into skanky manhoes.”

Rey smiles, “It’s so weird how tall he is now,” she says as she gently pushes Rose’s hand away from the mixing bowl. “I used to tower over him in my ballet flats.”

“How many cookies are you baking?” Rose asks as Rey checks on the tray of cookies in the oven and starts lining a new tray with baking paper.

“I’m making a batch for you too.” Rose squeals and does her happy dance. “None for Finn because of his peanut allergy, but I'll make some coconut and white chocolate mini muffins next week for him.”

“Ooh, speaking of baked goods. What birthday cake do you want?”

Rey’s birthday is coming up soon. Rose has to leave town for a conference for work and Finn will be away in Seattle with his girlfriend, Jannah, to meet her dad for his sixtieth birthday. So the three of them are planning an early celebration dinner next weekend. 

Rey shrugs. “Something gooey and chocolatey is fine. I’m not that bothered about it this year,” she sighs, “To be honest I just want it over and done with.”

Rose pouts. “Girl, turning thirty is a big deal. It's the beginning of leaving behind your messy twenties and bad mistakes and becoming the confident, mature, powerful goddess you were always meant to be.”

“I already feel mature for my age,” Rey sighs,”I'm constantly surrounded with younger, prettier and richer girls who make snide comments about my wardrobe choices everyday. I spend my evenings alone with my cat for company. It makes me wish I'd made a few more bad mistakes in my twenties to regret.”

“Sweetie,” Rose pats Rey's arm lovingly, “You’ve always played it safe. And having the childhood that you have had, I don't blame you. But maybe it’s time to get yourself back out there? Let me set up a dating profile for you on Hinge. You’re _such_ a hottie, you’ll have guys lining up to be your next bad mistake.”

Rey smiles. Rose is such a good friend. It’s not the first time she’s made the offer, and Rose knows Rey isn't going to say yes, but nevertheless, she continued to extend her offer, perhaps hoping that one day, Rey will suddenly throw caution to the wind and take a leap into the unknown. 

But Rey only changes the subject and Rose lets it go.

***

Rey considers the brands of passata in the international foods aisle, debating if the organic brand is the better option even if it’s a dollar more expensive. 

_Gods I am dull._ She rolls her eyes at herself and places the supermarket brand into her trolley. 

“Rey?” 

She turns, surprised to see Leia Organa Solo behind her in the aisle. “Oh, Leia. Hello.” 

Leia looks lovely and put together as usual, her hair pulled back in an elegant twist and a string of pearls around her neck, although Rey notices she looks a little worn around the edges, a few more lines around her eyes than the last time Rey saw her. 

“How have you been? We’ve missed you at school.” 

Leia smiles at her warmly, “I’ll be back soon for the staff meeting before the start of term. I’ve been doing a lot of travelling, going to conferences all over the country and I’ve been learning a lot that I’m itching to share with all my teachers.” 

Ben’s words about his mother skipping town to avoid their joint therapy sessions flash through her mind. 

Looking at Leia now, Rey wonders if Ben has been too harsh on his mother, perhaps Leia had been traveling so she wouldn’t have to stay at home surrounded with reminders of her dead husband. 

They move slowly through the supermarket pushing their trolleys, Leia asks Rey how her teaching plan is coming along so Rey describes how she’s getting the students to write and create their own film essays as Leia listens on with interest. 

“I can always count on you to start the year off with something to capture their interest. I know Ben loved the way you taught him to read poetry. He was never interested in it to begin with, but after your classes he started reading Dickinson and Tennyson.” 

The words create a warm glow in her chest. There’s nothing more rewarding as a teacher to know that through you, your students have discovered a love for something that they otherwise wouldn’t have been interested in. 

She watches Leia inspect some avocados, thinking about Rose’s description of Leia and her son’s fraught relationship. 

The complicated dynamics between parents and children elude her, having grown up with no parents of her own, but Rey knows that when people suffer a tremendous loss, the trauma and pain can bring families closer together. With Ben and Leia however, it seems to have pushed them further apart. 

She suddenly feels the urge to try and ease the friction at home for Ben. 

“Leia,” Rey says hesitantly, “I just wanted to let you know how grateful I am to Ben for the work he’s been doing with my house. He’s so smart and gifted; he’s a credit to you and Han.”

Leia doesn't respond for a few long moments and only stares at her blankly and Rey starts to wonder whether she’s said the wrong thing. 

Finally Leia says, “I’m sorry Rey, I have no clue what you’re talking about. Ben is helping you?”

Rey’s heart sinks. “Oh. I’m sorry. I didn’t think - Ben’s been helping me with repairs. Around my home for the past week or so. I kept running into him in the hardware store and he asked me if he could help since he needs something else to do this summer. I’m - so sorry, I thought he would have mentioned it to you.” 

Leia is silent as they push their trolleys away from the fresh fruit section, “No, no. It’s fine,” Leia tells her gently after a long silence, “Of course it’s wonderful that he’s helping you. Rose has mentioned to me the amount of time and work you’ve put into the house. It’s very admirable of you.” 

“Oh no,” Rey says demurs, “Really, I’ve barely made any progress for a whole year. Ben’s only been working on the house for a week and he’s gotten so much done. I don't know what I did to deserve his help, but I am not going to complain.” 

“Oh well, Ben has always carried a little torch for you ever since his freshman year. You were ever so sweet to him. I guess this is just his way of repaying you for the kindness you showed him.” 

Rey is startled. “Oh. Well. I didn’t realize - ,” Leia looks at her flustered face and laughs. 

“Really Rey, are you so surprised? You’re young, fit, and attractive. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if most of the boys in the Academy have been sweet on you at one time or another.” 

Rey frowns, deeply uncomfortable. “That’s - a horrific thought. I think I need to change careers.” 

Leia laughs, deeply amused at how ill at ease Rey appears. “Just take it from an old woman; enjoy being young and desirable while you still can...You know, I’m having a dinner with Amylin and Rose and a few other faculty members when we come back a week from now. Why don’t you join us?” 

Rey hesitates, she’s never been invited to a Leia Organa Solo dinner party before, but she’s heard about the legendary spread Leia puts out for her guests. 

The promise of such an excellent meal outweighs any concerns she has with sitting through a long dinner with a bunch of work colleagues that she doesn’t know all that well. Also, Rose will be there. 

“I would love to.” 

***

It’s blisteringly hot the next day, Rey is dripping with sweat as she helps Ben carefully fit the heavy frame of her newest kitchen window into place. 

Rey watches in excitement as Ben secures the window with a couple of long nails with his power drill. She can’t wait to eat breakfast in her kitchen with natural sunlight pouring in through her new windows. 

“There.” Ben says as he steps back, panting slightly. “That should do the job, Miss Niima.” 

He lifts up the neck of his white shirt to catch some of the sweat that is sliding down his forehead. As his shirt rides up, Rey catches a glimpse of his strong toned stomach and a hint of a six-pack. 

Her eyes scurry away quickly. “Come onto the porch,” Rey tells him, “I’ll get us some snacks and drinks.” 

But Ben follows her into the kitchen, saying that he wants to see how the window looks from the inside. 

It’s not any cooler inside the house than it is outside, but Rey grabs two bottles of cold water from her tiny fridge and tosses one to Ben who catches it easily. 

When Rey pulls out a tupperware container filled with the peanut butter cookies she had baked yesterday at Rose’s apartment Ben immediately grabs one, biting into it reverently. “This is the best thing I have ever tasted,” he says through a mouthful of crumbs. 

Rey smiles at his boyish enthusiasm, “I’ll make my chocolate chiffon cake when I come over for dinner at your house so you can compare.” 

Ben looks confused. “When are you coming to my house for dinner?” 

Rey’s eyebrows snap together, she’d only seen Leia last night so maybe Ben hadn’t had a chance to talk to his mom yet, but Rey is starting to get the distinct impression that Ben and Leia are barely on speaking terms at the moment. 

“I ran into your mom last night when I was shopping.” Rey explains. “She invited me over for dinner when she gets back from her next conference.” 

“Oh,” Ben says, and resumes chewing as though she hadn’t said anything, he turns to examine the edges of her new window frame. 

Rey hesitates, “I also mentioned what an amazing job you were doing with my house. She said she didn't know that you were even helping me.” 

Ben shrugs, taking a long drink from his water bottle, “She’s barely been home. And I don’t think she really cares what I’m doing in my spare time.” 

“Why?” Rey asks softly, “Why do you think that?” 

Ben sighs and runs a big hand through his sweaty hair, “We had a huge argument. After dad’s funeral. We...both said terrible things to one another.”

Rey moves closer so they’re standing side by side facing the window. She chances a look up at him, he looks so sad, so alone, Rey wishes she could reach out her hand and comfort him, but the last time she had tried it had made him feel awkward. So she keeps her hands by her sides. 

“Have you talked to someone? A friend? The therapist? Your Uncle Chewie?”

“I did talk it over with our therapist in our private sessions. I regret a lot of what I said, but I don't want to apologize because I am not ready to forgive her for the things she said to me. Because as soon as I say I’m sorry she’s going to do the same thing, because it's exactly what she always does, because it's the _proper and appropriate_ thing to do. I don’t want it, I’m not ready for it.” 

“Maybe she is sorry. Maybe she’s hurting now as much as you are?” 

“I know she is hurting,” Ben keeps his eyes straight ahead and out of her kitchen window. 

“Her husband just died and her only son refuses to speak to her. I know I’m acting like a petulant child right now. But...dad was always the one who stepped in and smoothed things over when mom and I fought.

“He’d waltz in and make a wise-ass remark over dinner that would make us both _so angry_ at him we’d both end up shouting at him together, and then he’d just shrug and leave the room so we could talk it out. He always made everything feel so easy, so effortless. 

“I just don’t know how we’re going to continue to be a family without him here. I don’t even know if it's possible.” 

His voice is steady and his face is hard, but Rey can sense the grief spilling out of him like an overflowing cup. 

His big hands are clenched tight into fists by his sides and it's the only thing that gives him away. 

“Ben.” Rey whispers, her hand comes up to rest on his shoulder. She can feel him trembling. She feels close to tears herself. 

“I- I don’t-,” he is taking little gulps of air into his lungs now, like a fish on dry land struggling to breathe. 

Rey drops the hand on his shoulder to wrap her fingers loosely around his wrist. 

His fist uncurls and so he can take her hand in his own, grabbing onto it like it's a lifeline.

“I miss him.” He whispers miserably. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t understand why he left me here all alone.”

Rey feels tears spilling down her cheeks as she stares out the window, feeling the tight grip of his hand around her fingers. 

Rey wishes that she had the perfect words of wisdom she could pull out to comfort him at this moment. 

There have been millions of words written about grief and loss by men and women with far greater talent for words than her, but none of them seem right at the moment. There’s probably no words she can use to alleviate the bleakness and loneliness she can feel in Ben Solo’s tight grip on her fingers. 

So Rey just squeezes his fingers back and whispers, “You’re not alone.”

***

The sun is starting to set as Rey helps Ben pack up and carry his tools and equipment back to Chewie’s truck. 

Rey feels sticky and exhausted.

She imagines how her evening will go; a long shower, maybe a simple ham and cheese sandwich for dinner, curling up in bed with Baby before falling asleep with her laptop perched on her chest. 

She looks over at Ben, who is still a little subdued, and imagines him going back home to his house, drained and weary, and then having dinner in his room to avoid having to speak to his mom like she had used to do when she didn’t want to sit and make conversation with anyone. 

“Hey, Ben,” Rey says before she can change her mind, “I don’t really feel like staying home tonight, it’s so hot. I was thinking of going to the cinema to get dinner and catch a late movie. I don’t really care what movie. I just want to go somewhere with strong air-conditioning. Did you want to come too?” 

Ben considers it, his forehead furrowed as he hefts the last box of equipment into the truck. 

“I still haven’t seen the last Galaxy Wars.” He says finally with a small smile. 

Rey grins, “We better watch the movie first then. So we can pull it apart over dinner.” 

***

Rey has spent most of the summer working on a new lesson plan for the incoming freshman. 

She is usually required to meet with her head of department to go through the new semester’s lesson plan before school starts. Despite being the youngest member in the English department she has also worked at Coruscant Academy for a few years now, so Rey’s lesson plans don’t usually get too much scrutiny by her department head, but D’Acy has yet to return from her leave this year. 

Rey spends her Monday tidying up her classroom, going for a long lunch with Rose, and enjoying the quiet and serenity of the empty school halls while she still can. 

After lunch, she has a meeting at the digital media department on the second floor. Rey is quite confident that her students are already more adept with video editing than she will ever be, but they will still need to have some basic film editing training in order to create their film essays.

Unfortunately, she and Rose had gone out for Indian food and the curry Rey had ordered was so spicy she had been forced to drink half a gallon of water. When the meeting finally ends, Rey makes a dash to the closest bathroom she can find. 

As she is washing her hands, Rey realizes she is in the girl’s bathroom on the second floor. 

She looks around the bathroom curiously, wondering what it has to do with Ben Solo. 

She finds her answer graffitied on the last toilet stall. 

One student has written on the wall in sharpie as a conversation starter: _Most fuckable seniors in CA, discuss._

Underneath someone else had replied: _Fuck the seniors, someone needs to do a public safety announcement about Ben Solo’s ginormous cock._

There’s an arrow next to the word ‘ _cock’_ pointing to another comment which says: _Agreed. That shit is bananas._

The stall is completely covered with different girls’ handwriting like an obscene Twitter comment thread where the topic is Ben Solo’s cock and _everyone’s_ had an experience they want to share on this stall.

_Too intimidated to fuck his monster dick so I rode his face instead and I came so hard I saw God._

  
  


_You hoes are full of shit. My friend said she fucked Ben Solo and his dick is tiny._

  
  


_HAHAHA, your friend is full of shit._

  
  


_OMG I SAW HIS FRANKENPENIS AND I FREAKED AND SO I JUST LET HIM EAT ME OUT INSTEAD._

_My friend saw Ben Solo naked. She said he has an eight pack, that he’s shredded._

  
  


_Did your friend verify how big is the D tho?_

  
  


_Roses are red_

_Violets are blue_

_Ben Solo’s cock is huge_

_Girl, do yourself a favor and ask him to stick it in you._

  
  


_Ladies, Pro Tip: Do plenty of foreplay and pelvic stretches before you let Ben Solo fuck you with his massive dong. It’s been two days and I’m still icing my pussy. Also, use plenty of lube._

  
  


_Agree. Also, DO NOT let him fuck you doggy style. He jackhammered into me and jfc I had to go see my gyno to make sure he hadn’t knocked something loose._

  
  


She isn’t breathing properly and her face is hot. 

Rey tears out of the bathroom like the hounds of hell are nipping at her ankles, cursing Rose, and desperately wishing that there was a way she could scrub her brain clean of everything she had read on that bathroom stall. 

  
  
  



	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this update took so long. I can only say that this week has been...quite a week. Australians haven't been ordered to stay home yet and work has been insane. I would give anything for a week to stay in my home to work on my fanfics like most of my twitter feed but alas, it has not yet come to pass. Stay safe everyone!
> 
> Hope you all enjoy the newest chapter.

**Chapter Three**

As the summer break started to come to an end, Rey finds herself rushing to finish patching up her roof before the rainy season begins. Finn was still away with his girlfriend so Rey had to work faster to get the job done on her own. 

When Rey climbed up onto the roof to assess the damage after the leaks had started last fall, she had discovered that most of the original roof tiles needed replacing. She had no way of knowing when the tiles had been laid but based on the ages of the tiles it must have been over fifty years ago. 

Rey wasted months trying to find a supplier who could provide her with tiles to match the existing roof to no avail, so Rey and Finn had already spent most of the last six months basically re-tiling the roof during their weekends. 

Roofing was hard labor; loosening up tiles to check the extent of the damage of the wood underneath the tiles, measuring, sawing a replacement wood underlay, replacing and nailing in the new wood and the new tiles. 

That Saturday morning, Rey was so focused on hammering in a new wood underlay that she didn’t even realize she had company until a voice called out sharply, “Miss Niima!”

She starts and turns to find a pair of dark eyes peering at her over the edge of the roof. “Ben! You startled me!”

“What are you doing up there?” 

“Repairing the roof?” 

Rey doesn’t know why she gave her answer as a question. Ben has never spoken to her in that tone before, irate and demanding, it made her forget herself for a moment. 

“You shouldn’t go up there with nobody else around. You could fall off the roof and break your neck.” 

“Well, I don’t think anybody could do much to help if my neck was broken,” Rey quips lightheartedly, Ben only scowls back at her. 

“Can you come down? I need to check something with you.” 

Rey puts the hammer aside and pulls off her work gloves. She starts to scoot down towards the edge of the roof on her butt. 

She had climbed up onto the roof using the railings on the master bedroom balcony where Ben stood now watching her descend.

When she reaches the edge of the roof, she peers down, her foot searching for the railing. The next thing she knows, an enormous pair of hands are on her hips, steadying her. 

She pauses, startled, before carefully continuing her downward slide, trusting Ben’s hands to catch her. 

As she loosens her grip on the edge of the roof, for a moment she feels like she is free-falling; her hands automatically reach for his shoulders and he holds her weight in his arms as if she weighs nothing at all. 

Rey doesn’t expect her whole body to make contact with his; her belly meets his hard chest as she slides downwards; her breath hitching at the unexpected throb between her legs. 

She turns as soon as her feet touch the ground to hide the blush in her cheeks. 

“What did you want to show me?” 

***

Rose arrives later in the evening with burgers and ice-cold sodas and Rey realizes Rose must have been invited to the Solo-Organa home for dinner regularly over the last few years because Ben is quite comfortable taking Rose around the property to show her the new windows while she peppers him with questions. 

Rey overhears Rose making an offhand comment to Ben about how all those summers with his uncle must have really paid off. 

Rey files away the comment. 

Much later, after Ben has packed up his tools and driven away in Chewie’s truck and the two of them are sitting on the porch swing nursing glasses of chilled wine, Rey asks Rose what she had meant. 

“Oh, of course you wouldn’t know, Leia prefers to keep it quiet,” Rose says, “Ben’s uncle runs Skywalker Habitats.” 

“His uncle is Luke Skywalker?” Rey says, surprised. 

Luke Skywalker was a beloved philanthropist. He had built up his construction company from nothing in the eighties to become a self-made millionaire by the time he was thirty years old. He had spent the last two decades devoting most of his money and time to his non-profit building houses for impoverished communities all over the world.

“Yeah, Leia thought it would look great on her son’s college applications so Ben’s been spending his summers overseas working with his uncle since he was thirteen.” 

“Oh.” Rey blinked, “I’d thought - it was something he did with his dad, so I haven’t brought it up.” 

“Han was a great dad and a loving husband, but he wasn’t around that much; airline pilot.” Rose explained at Rey's inquisitive look. “That’s probably why Ben got shipped off to Uncle Luke every summer.”

Rey is about to ask how the Organas and Skywalkers are related before Rey remembers, somewhat belatedly, that Rose had gone out on a date the night before and she had been especially cheerful this evening. 

“So, how did your date go last night? Your Ginger Lawyer on Hinge?” 

“Oh!” Rose eyes light up. “It was great. He came off as a bit cold in the beginning. But he is so big and tall, and such a good dresser.” Rose says dreamily. “He loosened up eventually and I realized that he was really nervous, and he is such an awkward dork. I took pity on him so I took him home and let him go down on me.” 

Rey chokes on her soda. 

That hadn’t gone the way she thought it would go. 

“Are you going to see him again?” 

“Oh yes,” Rose said emphatically. “Tomorrow night. He made me come so many times, I had to push him off me.” 

Rey played with her straw, feeling as she always did when her friends’ sex life became a topic of conversation; deficient and envious. 

Rey had had a grand total of three sexual partners. 

She’d lost her virginity at seventeen at a party, both of them had been drunk and horny and she'd barely been able to remember the details the day afterwards. 

She'd had a boyfriend for exactly two months when she was in university. The sex had been so dull and awkward she was relieved when he told her he was changing his major and would be moving to Bristol. 

The last time had been years ago, a guy she had met through a friend while she was living in LA. She’d had obligatory sex with him after the third date and ghosted him afterwards. 

The only orgasms she’d ever experienced were on her own. 

She was jealous of people who had sex and enjoyed it. Any attraction Rey had felt for the person dissipated as soon as the sex was over (sometimes it vanished before the sex had even begun) and she was always left feeling used and lonelier than ever. 

Rose and Finn sometimes accused her of having given up on love. Rey didn’t agree, she just didn't want to date and she never again wanted to give herself over to someone without love or passion. 

But, still, it didn't stop her from wondering sometimes, whenever the topic of sex came up during conversation, maybe the problem was _her_. 

Maybe, she was fundamentally too damaged, too unlovable and probably, a bad lay. 

And maybe, this quiet existence she has carved out for herself here in this broken home with Baby was all that she was going to get, and maybe, this was even more than she deserved. 

***

Rey notices that Ben starts staying later than usual from Monday onward. It isn’t until Wednesday when she notices that someone has left a ladder out on the master balcony that Rey realizes that Ben has started work on repairing her roof. 

“Ben, you don’t have to, you’ve already done so much work for me. I can’t ask you to-” 

“You didn’t ask me,” Ben says firmly, “And you’re running out of time, Miss Niima, you’re not going to finish the roof in time by working on it on the weekends by yourself.” 

Then he gives her a maddeningly stubborn look. “I can get it done for you. Why won’t you let me help you?” 

Rey doesn’t quite know how to respond, nor can she find a real reason to keep protesting. 

She is not used to getting help from anyone, it took years of friendship before she felt comfortable enough to ask Finn to help her with the roof repairs, he said yes without hesitation, but she's only had herself to rely on for so long. 

His generosity towards her makes her feel off-kilter, unsure, and a little frightened of what it _means._

Ben has given her too much of his time already; he's poured his heart into fixing up her house into a livable state and she doesn’t know _why._

She just stands there mutely, watching him work; and although she has tried to forget them, she recalls Leia’s offhand comments to her in the supermarket, about the little torch Ben had apparently carried for her. 

Rey thinks of those heated looks she catches him giving her sometimes, the ones that make her want to run away and hide. 

But, surely Rey is just imagining things, isn’t she? 

Ben is...tall, and handsome, he has a brooding intensity that sets him apart from the rest of the boys in his year. 

He is Leia Organa’s son. He was the school’s star quarterback, and he could have any girl in school that he wanted. In fact, according to what she had seen in the second floor girl’s bathroom, he’d already had most of them. 

Any adolescent crush he harbored for her must be long gone by now. 

Rey had been his teacher, she is almost 12 years older than him. 

There are just too many lines that will never be crossed. 

Besides, she’s a nobody from nowhere. 

If Ben is looking for the thrill of an affair with an older woman; she’s not even sexy. She’s got no breasts to speak of, she’s goofy and a bit of an oddball; living alone with her cat in a house that’s falling apart. 

_There’s nothing to be concerned about_ . Rey tells herself. _He is just lonely. And he is using your house to work through his grief for his dad._

So, with those assurances in mind, Rey allows herself to start asking Ben to stay around for dinner. 

Rey has never been comfortable receiving unsolicited generosity without reciprocating. 

And for some reason, Rey feels desperate to find a way to repay Ben Solo for what he’s done for her. 

She wants to cook something for him as a way of thanking him for all his hard work. But the heat in the house is so oppressive they inevitably end up at the strip mall around the corner from Rey’s house eating cheap Thai food or sharing a pizza. 

Rey has made a concerted effort to forget everything she had read on the stall in the second story girl’s toilets. 

It’s easier to reconcile the young man working on her house with a boy with the too large ears and acne on his forehead once they get back on safer topics of conversation like books, movies, and television. 

Ben asks Rey about her baking skills and somehow, during the conversation, Rey realizes he has never seen the Great British Bake-Off, so one evening, Rey spreads out a blanket in the living room and they eat their take-out while they stream Bake-Off on her laptop. An ancient fan rotating in the corner of the room offers them some relief from the unrelenting heat. 

“Do you miss living in the UK?” Ben asks her while he is trying to tempt her cat to sit in his lap with Baby's favorite squeaky toy. 

Rey pulls her attention from her laptop screen where the contestants are struggling with the technical challenge. 

“No, not really,” Rey replies honestly, “But I miss some of the food. You can’t get chips and curry here. Also, I miss the Victoria Sponges. There was this great bakery around the corner from…the place I was living during secondary school. They made the best Victoria sponge cakes.” 

Ben must have picked up on her pause, because he asks curiously, “Do you have any family there?” 

“No,” Rey replies, staring at her laptop screen, “I was a foster kid. Never had any family. I finished university and I just wanted a fresh start somewhere with nicer weather so I moved to California and started applying for teaching positions.” 

“That was brave.” 

“It wasn’t really,” Rey turns to give him a small smile, “Not when you don’t have anything to lose.” 

Ben has a thoughtful look on his face as he watches her, “My uncle was an orphan too.” He says, stroking Baby’s head with one huge hand. “Mom got adopted by the Organas when she was a baby, but my uncle was raised by my granddad’s step-brother. No blood relation.” 

Rey is surprised, “Why weren’t they adopted together?” 

“I don’t know. Mom didn’t know she had a brother until they found each other when they were both eighteen.” 

“They were twins?” Rey processes this for a moment. “That...that was cruel, wasn’t it? To split them up. Not tell them about each other.” 

“I think they always knew. My mom said she always felt lonely as a kid. She didn't know she was adopted. She’d stare out the window for hours because a part of her was missing her brother.” 

“What about her parents?” Rey asks curiously, “Your grandparents I mean. Did Leia and your uncle find out what happened to them?” 

Ben’s expression is shuttered when he replies, “My grandfather was a convicted felon. He got sent to jail for life on murder charges. My grandmother died in childbirth while he was in prison. He died a few years later. My mom prefers to think of herself as an Organa. That’s the only family she ever knew. Except for Luke, she doesn’t acknowledge her bloodline.” 

“It must have been hard...when she found out the truth.” Rey offers. 

“Actually, I think it really fucked them both up.” His voice is so embittered, Rey is slightly taken aback. 

“How so?”

“I think my mom is so terrified about people finding out where she really comes from that she overcompensates. She puts too much effort into making sure everyone thinks the best of her and her family. She should have gone into politics. I think it gets under her skin when things aren’t...perfect. And Luke. He is obsessed with legacy. All he cares about is correcting his father’s mistakes so that the Skywalker name stands for something noble and good after he’s gone.”

Rey instinctively understands what is being left unsaid by Ben. 

Luke Skywalker doesn’t have children. He’s given several interviews about the fact that he is married to his work. All that pain and shame the Skywalker children carried with them, they’d used it as a fuel to push themselves to succeed and to try and erase the stain of their father’s misdeeds from their own ledgers. And Ben had grown up with the weight of their heavy expectations resting on his young shoulders. 

“I couldn't find anything about my family.” Rey says at last. 

Ben waits for her to continue, watching her curiously. 

“Niima isn't even my last name,” Rey confesses, “I tried to find out more about my parents when I turned eighteen but there wasn’t anything to go on. I was left on the doorstep of a police station a few hours after I was born. I hired a private investigator five years ago and they didn’t find anything. I gave up after that. And then, last year, out of the blue I got a letter telling me that my grandfather had died and left me this house.”

“This house?” Ben’s incredulous face stares at the peeling wallpaper of the living room. “He lived here all this time? And he never contacted you?”

Rey feels a sharp twist between her ribs, “I guess so,” she says quietly. 

“It’s such a...strange coincidence, of all the places he could have been living. He was just a thirty minute drive from where I was working. It doesn’t make much sense, if he cared enough to leave me in the will, why didn’t he care enough to contact me? I don’t know. Maybe he wasn’t in his right mind towards the end.”

Ben is silent staring at her in mounting horror and disbelief. And all Rey feels in that moment is relief that he isn’t looking at her with pity. 

She could handle almost anything except pity. 

“Don’t you hate him?” Ben demands of her, anger has taken hold of him, his feelings of shock have rapidly morphed into outrage. “Don’t you hate them? For abandoning you like that?”

“What’s the point in hating them?” Rey asks him calmly, “They’re not real to me. If I had some memories, or some idea of why...then maybe. But I don't know what happened. I have so many questions I’ll never have the answers to, that’s painful enough. I don't want to spend my life hating anybody.” 

“If I was you,” Ben’s hands are clenched into fists, his voice low and dangerous, “I would have smashed this place down, pulled it apart, brick by brick, _set it on fire,_ and then I would have salted the earth so nothing would grow for a hundred years. “But instead,” Ben continues, “You’re...spending your weekends, all the free time you have, all your money on rebuilding it.” He stares at her wide-eyed and a little unhinged, “ _Why_?” 

“If I had burnt this place to the ground, then what would it have accomplished?” Rey asks him gently, “I’d still be alone. I’d still have no family. And I would still be paying rent on the tiny apartment and having to deal with my creepy landlord living in the apartment next to me. Hate is poison, Ben. I don’t want to drink from that chalice.”

Ben's breathing evens out, “Miss Niima,” he says slowly and deliberately after a beat, “I think you’re a better person than I will ever be. I think you’re the...most amazing person I will ever know.” 

Rey tries to ignore the way his words make her heart pound faster, she’s quite sure her face is turning red as a tomato. 

The way he is looking at her, it's as if...she is the answer to a question he didn’t even know he had. Nobody in her life has ever looked at her like that before.

“I’m...no, Ben. You’re still so young,” Rey looks down at her lap to ignore the twitch under his eye at her words. “You have your whole life ahead of you to figure out...who you are, what you want to do. You’re _so_ smart, and talented, and you are much stronger than you know. You’re going to achieve amazing things, I just know it. 

“Meanwhile, look at me,” Rey says self-consciously, “Living in a house falling apart, barely keeping it together, compared to all your potential, all the things you’ll accomplish, I’m nothing.” 

Ben doesn’t say anything, not for a long time, just gazes at her with an expression she can’t (or won’t) let herself interpret. Rey takes the opportunity to turn back to face the laptop. 

She’s staring sightless at the screen and so she doesn’t see his face when he says quietly, “You’re not nothing, Miss Niima. Not to me.” 

  
  


***

The following evening, Rey asks Ben to go out to see another movie. 

Some part of her desperately hopes that he will tell her no, he’s going out, he’s got a date with an age-appropriate girl that night. 

But of course he says yes and then he asks her if she wants to go to the arthouse cinema which is currently showing all the films of a Korean director that Rey hasn’t heard of before, and of course she agrees. 

The action thriller movie which Ben had been hoping to catch has already started showing by the time they arrive. The next session is not a movie that Ben has seen before but after a quick discussion they decide to just go ahead and buy the tickets. 

Rey just wants to sit somewhere with air-conditioning for a few hours where there is no chance of the two of them getting into a conversation where they expose their scars to each other and it somehow leads to Ben looking at her the way he had the night before. 

  
  


They’re lining up for popcorn and soda when Rey notices a girl in the foyer watching them. Actually, Rey realizes she is watching Ben. Rey doesn’t recognize her, but she looks around the same age as Ben, she is curvaceous, blonde and pretty. 

They walk past her on their way into the cinema and she says, “Hey, Ben.” She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and looks up at him prettily through her eyelashes. 

“Hey,” Ben says distractedly, barely throwing her a second glance. She pouts and stares after them as they continue on their way. 

“Who’s that?” 

“I don’t know.” Ben admits as they take their seats, “I think she came to a few of the after game parties last year, she came with a bunch of girls from Exogol High.” 

“Ah.” Rey stuffs a handful of buttered popcorn into her mouth and chews furiously wishing that Rose hadn’t ever uttered the words, _skanky football parties_ , to her.

Rey heaves a small sigh of relief as the lights dim in the cinema. 

  
  
  
  


It’s a mistake. 

It’s a colossal mistake. 

The film is masterfully made. It’s wonderfully Gothic, the beginning of the film feels like a Hitchcock thriller. 

But an hour and a half into the film, there is an explicit love scene between two women which-

Never.

Seems.

To.

End. 

The girls take turns kissing, going down on each other out, sixty-nining, and then, to her disbelief, they fucking scissor each other and moan and cry out in ecstasy and Rey has to sit there in the cinema with every single muscle in her body tensed, excruciatingly aware of every breath, twitch or movement from Ben Solo sitting next to her, every second that ticks by makes her want to run screaming out of the movie theater. 

At some point, Rey seriously considers feigning a stomach ache and leaving. But then she wonders how strange that will look. Ben is sitting next to her silent and still, seemingly unaffected, why should she be affected at all? 

_There’s no reason to overreact._ Rey thinks. _They can just laugh about it afterwards._

But there isn’t any laughing after. 

They leave the cinema in silence, they climb into the truck in silence. Rey can feel his eyes on her but she can’t seem to bring herself to look at him.

Rey feels slightly sick as they pull into her driveway. 

“Miss Niima? Are you all right?” Rey turns to him, startled by his deep voice breaking the silence. 

He’s watching her anxiously and she realizes that he is concerned that she is somehow upset with him. 

“I’m _so_ sorry Ben,” the apology bursts out of her. “I had no idea- I should have checked the ratings - God, that was so uncomfortable.”

“I’m sorry too. I didn’t - yeah, wow.” 

“I-um,” she chances another look at him, he stares back at her steadily, his face half hidden in the shadows of the interior of the truck. 

She is suddenly stuck that the situation seems strangely reversed. 

He is so calm, a little flustered, but trying his hardest to put her at ease. And she; she is flushed and filled with mortification like an untried schoolgirl. 

“Hey,” Rey clears her throat as she opens the car door to leave, “Can you do me a favour? Let's both agree, to never mention this again?” 

He is studying her, watching her like she’s a puzzle he wants to solve. “Of course.” He says after a moment. 

“Thanks. Okay. Right. Um - ‘night, Ben.”

“Goodnight, Miss Niima.” 

***

It’s three in the morning. 

Rey cannot sleep. 

She stares at the time on her phone screen and huffs out a sound of surrender, flopping onto her back and reaching down under her shorts and underwear to touch herself. 

She bites back a gasp at how wet she is. It’s been a while, Rey realizes. Between the house, her work, the summer heat, she has been falling into bed and out like a light nearly every night for the past few months. 

Rey tries to relax and sink into her mattress, closing her eyes as she rubs small circles on her swollen clit. 

She summons up the usual images she utilizes when she does this; a tall, dark, faceless man, moving inside her, whispering in her ear the most filthy, tender, loving words she can think of. 

Rey doesn’t have much of a sexual imagination, and it's usually enough for her to imagine the feeling of being desired, the man in her fantasy whispers to her how badly he wants her, how much he needs her and if he doesn’t have her right then in that very second how he’s going to go insane and its enough to make her come.

Suddenly, the two women in the film rise up in her mind, one experienced, the other one, a virginal lady begging her maid to to teach her how to make love properly. 

“ _Teach me_ ,” Rey whispers wantonly to her fantasy man, her finger on her swollen nub spreading the slick around. _“Show me. Please.”_

_“I’ll teach you everything, my love,” he whispers darkly in her ear, pressing kisses down her body, as she writhes in anticipation, he settles between her thighs, spreading her open to stare boldly at her pussy._

Rey speeds up her fingers as the pressure inside her builds. 

_“I’m going to show you how hard you can come when I lick your little cunt. But I can’t wait, first I’m going to teach you how to take my cock inside you.”_

Rey gasps aloud, dipping a finger inside her swollen channel, it glides in easily, she can’t remember ever being this wet before in her life, she’s so close already.

_“No. No, I can’t take your cock. You’re too big for me.”_

_“You’ll take it,” He murmurs, “You’ll love it when I split you open, you’ll only want me afterwards. No other man will satisfy you once you’ve had me inside you.”_

_“No,” she moans and tries to hold him off as he pushes her long silky nightgown up her legs with his huge hands. “No, you can’t. I’ll scream.”_

_“You won't sweetheart. You want this as much as I do.”_

_He’s so heavy. His weight is pressing her smaller body into the bed as she struggles against him._

_She feels him start to push inside her._

_“No, no we can’t, please, it’s wrong, please Ben, don’t - we can’t -”_

She comes. It's sudden and almost violent.

She cries and arches her hips as her thighs tremble.

Rey presses her fingers down on her clit, keeping the pressure on the little nub of flesh to prolong her orgasm as long as she can, keening as the pleasure rolls through her body.

She collapses back onto the mattress; her body soaked with sweat. 

Rey wipes her fingers dry on her shorts and rolls onto her side. She is too exhausted to feel anything but relief as her eyes close and she slips into blessed darkness.

She can be properly horrified by herself tomorrow morning. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trivia Question: Which movie did Ben and Rey see in the cinema? 
> 
> Please consider leaving me a comment if you enjoyed this chapter. 
> 
> I am [@MindyCakes](https://twitter.com/mindycakes)on Twitter and @wantisamlindyla on Tumblr. Come say hi!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm back! Things are slowing down at work and I've had much more time to write these past few days. Hooray! (For having time for writing, no hooray for the economy uncertainty and the pandemic. That's all fucking awful and depressing). 
> 
> Shout out to vinchoc and Semiramide for correctly identifying the movie that Ben and Rey watched was The Handmaid by Park Chan Wook. When I was thinking about awkward movies to sit through with your forbidden ex-student love interest this one immediately came to mind. 
> 
> On with the show!

**Chapter Four**

Rey turns thirty on a Thursday. 

It’s a disgustingly hot and humid day. Rey doesn’t understand how they’re suffering through a heatwave when fall is just a few weeks away. 

Thankfully, her car doesn’t decide to stop working on the drive home, but she does have to suffer a thirty minute drive home from work without any air-conditioning in the car. 

She is soaked in sweat by the time she pulls into her driveway, she thinks longingly of her grimy old apartment with its ancient AC unit that had rattled ominously and dripped water after she left it on for longer than two hours at a time. 

Finn and Rose had already taken her out last week and spoiled her with cake, Japanese food, and presents since neither of them were going to be here for her actual birthday. 

So Rey’s plan for her evening involves a long, ice-cold shower, lying on her bed in her underwear with all three of her fans blowing hot air in her direction while she drinks prosecco straight from the bottle and eats an entire pizza on her own while binge watching something on Netflix with plenty of murder and explosions to take her mind off the fact that she is spending her thirtieth birthday alone. 

It’s not exactly the best birthday she has ever had, but it’s not going to be the worst either. 

She is a little surprised when she spots Chewie’s truck already parked in her driveway. 

To her relief, after Ben the Movie Incident (that was how she referred to it in her mind) she hadn’t run into him at her house all week after he sent a message saying he would be starting later and finishing earlier as one of his coworkers at the hardware store had gotten sick and he had been required to pick up some extra shifts. 

She finds both Chewie and Ben waiting for her on the front porch, talking in low voices, their faces grim. 

Rey feels her stomach drop at the sight of them, she shifts the bag of groceries she is holding in her arms as she approaches. “Hey fellas.” She says cheerfully, “What’s happening?” 

They exchange a quick look, and Ben comes forward to relieve her of the groceries. “I’ll put these in the kitchen for you,” he says, nodding his head at his uncle, “Chewie, you better show her.” 

Rey frowns at his cryptic words, the feeling of dread in her stomach intensifying. “Show me what?” 

  
  


***

It’s wood rot, Chewie explains to her. 

He and Ben had been replacing the windows in the back of the house near the conservatory when Chewie had noticed the discoloration in the timber around the old windows so he had gone inside the house to have a proper look around.

He recommends that she gets a structural engineer to come out to properly inspect the house urgently. The awful damp smell in the rooms makes him suspect that most of the timber in the house is compromised, most likely due to the storms last year and the house’s existing drainage issues. 

When Rey asks him what that means, Chewie looks over her shoulder as Ben joins them where they are standing at the back of the house. 

His long pale face is solemn and his dark eyes sympathetic as he says gently, “Chewie means it depends on on the engineer’s report, Miss Niima, but if the damp smell has been around for nearly a year, like you said, there’s a high chance the only way you’re going to save the house is to knock down the walls and replace the timber.” 

Rey feels like she’s just been struck a blow. 

Replacing the timber in this house? That would...she’d be better off demolishing and rebuilding it from the ground up. 

Chewie pats her on the shoulder sympathetically and leaves to pack up their tools. 

Ben takes a look at her blank face and guides her back inside to the kitchen with one hand on her lower back. “Are you okay?” 

Rey doesn’t respond, her mind is still reeling from what Chewie and Ben have just told her. 

It's as if this house is determined to make her lose her mind. No matter how much time and energy she puts into fixing up the place, it finds a new way to fall apart like she’s building a castle out of sand. 

It's enough to drive any person to madness, and perhaps one day she will, she’s going to have a mental breakdown over this pile of rotting wood and bricks and she’s going to do what Ben suggested and burn it all down to the ground. 

“Maybe it’s not going to be that bad,” Rey says, almost to herself, once they’re back in the kitchen and as she starts to unpack her bag of groceries. “Maybe it’ll just be confined to some areas in the house. There’s ways you can treat wet rot without replacing the timber right? I think I’ve read that somewhere. There’s chemicals you can use.” 

Ben doesn’t say anything, he takes a seat on a stool in the overheated kitchen, watching her quietly put her groceries away. 

When her chilled bottle of prosecco is the only thing that’s left out on the kitchen bench. She unscrews the top and takes a long swig of the sweet, bubbly wine. 

“Christ, this day really could not get any more exhausting.” 

As if on cue, her phone rings with an incoming video group chat with Finn and Rose. 

“Oh shit,” Rey swears, “I totally forgot.” 

She answers the call, Finn and Rose are beaming at her from their respective squares at the bottom of the screen, as soon as her face appears they scream out in unison, “Happy Birthday Peanut!!!” 

Rey looks at Ben apologetically, throwing on a big happy smile for her friends as she walks into her bedroom for some privacy, 

“Hey! Thanks for the flowers and wine! You guys really shouldn’t have.” 

***

Ben is still waiting for her in the kitchen when she wanders back into the kitchen in a pair of her sleep shorts and a plain tshirt. It’s six in the evening and she’s ready for bed. 

“I’m sorry, Miss Niima” He gives her a rueful look, “I didn’t mean to be the bearer of bad news on your birthday.” 

“It doesn’t matter,” Rey sighs, “I’m ready to call it a day.” 

Ben looks out the new kitchen windows which he had installed only a few weeks ago. The sun is still out. 

“I’m not leaving you alone on your birthday.” Ben says gallantly, unfolding himself from where he had been perched on the tiny kitchen stool, “Why don’t you come to my house tonight? I’ll get some take-away from the Italian place on Navarro you like and I’ll even watch that terrible adaptation of Howl’s Moving Castle with you.” 

Rey's eyes narrow at him. “I know you’re calling it that just to make me angry you know.” 

He blinks innocently, “Is it working?” 

Rey hesitates, her mind flashing back to what happened last time they watched a movie together, to the Movie Incident, and then what she had done afterwards, when she had been alone in bed. 

Her mind quickly skitters away from the memory, she has been mostly successful in wiping it from her mind. It’s been easier without him around. 

She should say no. She should just stick to her original plan. 

But Rey is also so tired, and its fucking hot in this house that is just one calamity after the next. 

Leia won’t be home because she’s away at a conference with Rose. 

She is already a little light headed from drinking nearly half a bottle of the prosecco on an empty stomach. Ben’s offering to feed her pasta and there will be AC at his house and a proper television. 

And as if he knows exactly what is going through her mind, Ben adds, “I’ll get us tiramisu for dessert.” 

Rey's willpower shatters into a million dessert loving pieces. 

“Okay. Text me your address. I’ll meet you there in an hour.” 

***

The Organa-Solo house is in a really nice area. 

Rey almost feels self-conscious parking her car in the driveway. Most of the houses on the block have European cars or Range Rovers parked out the front.

A pretty woman out on her evening stroll with a pair of perfectly groomed poodles watches her suspiciously as Rey is getting out of her car.

Rey raises her eyebrow at the woman’s judgmental face, her poodles’ weekly grooming budget is probably double what Rey spends on groceries each month. 

Ben greets her at the door in a black shirt and jeans. His hair is damp and he smells like he’s just gotten out of the shower. 

They settle into the living room with their food.

Rey can tell the couch is made of soft expensive leather, she sinks into it with a sigh of pleasure. The room is so cool and the television is enormous. 

Rey looks around the room curiously as Ben pulls up Netflix on the television. It’s a very cozy living room. The walls are lined with shelves of neatly organized books and tasteful ornaments. 

There is a family portrait of Ben and his parents on the wall above the fireplace. She smiles at the younger Ben’s ears and then studies Leia and Han in the photograph. At first glance it’s difficult to believe that Ben is the children of those two people. 

But she can see it the resemblance, Ben inherited his father’s nose and long face but his dark pretty eyes are all Leia. 

Rey had met Han Solo on a few occasions when he had attended a school event to support his wife and his son’s school. She remembers his dashing and roguish smile and how even in his sixties he had managed to charm his way into the hearts of half the school faculty. 

The house feels huge and empty. 

Rey wonders whether Ben is back on speaking terms with his mom yet, does she call him everyday to check on how he is going? Or are her messages and phone calls going unanswered while he sits here in this enormous house night after night by himself. 

Rey feels a sudden rush of guilt at her relief at not having to see or spend time with him all week. 

The Movie Incident was not Ben’s fault. She had been so wrapped up in her own mortification that she had forgotten that while Leia and Rose were away at the conference, he had been left to his own devices. 

So what if she had been his teacher, and there's a twelve year age gap between them? They were friends weren’t they? 

Rey has never felt the need to dumb herself down during their discussions. She _likes_ talking to Ben. He is fiercely intelligent and he doesn’t hold back on challenging her when he doesn’t agree with her on her views and thoughts on certain books and movies.

She watches him fondly now as he hands her a plate of beef ragu pasta and a paper napkin. 

He’s going to be a remarkable man. 

She’s going to be reading about his amazing achievements one day in magazines and newspapers and she’ll tell anyone who will listen that he used to be her student and that he had built her new windows and fixed her roof for her because he didn’t want her climbing up onto the roof by herself. 

She will also tell them that he had bought her tiramisu from her favorite Italian restaurant and watched one of her favorite movies with her on her thirtieth birthday even if he thought it was a terrible adaptation of one of his favorite novels just to make her happy. 

He pauses, feeling her eyes on him, as he carefully twirls some pasta around his fork,

He looks at her curiously. “What?” 

Rey smiles, even though her heart suddenly feels heavy and aching, “Nothing. Thanks, Ben.” 

“For what?” 

“For dinner.” 

“Of course. Happy birthday, Miss Niima.” 

*** 

When she blinks back awake, the movie is still playing. It takes her a moment to remember where she is; the room is cool and dark, she’s tucked up against a warm solid chest and she feels so safe and cozy, she almost goes right back to sleep. 

“Oh,” Rey says groggily, “I’m sorry. Did I sleep long?” 

“Just half an hour.” The chest beneath her ear rumbles. “You looked like you needed the sleep.” 

Rey closes her eyes again, she breathes in the scent of the soft material of Ben’s t-shirt under her cheek. It smells good, like fabric softener, boy, and some expensive aftershave with notes of amber and sandalwood.

He’s got his arm around her, some distant part of her brain realizes, one hand is splayed out on her stomach. 

Something in the back of her brain prods at her; they’re snuggling on a couch. She should really get up and go home now. 

Rey tries to sit up, but her eyelids feel so heavy. “I...better get going,” Rey says, sleepily. 

“Just stay a little longer,” Ben says, “You can’t drive half asleep.” 

That makes sense. Rey hums in agreement, and stays where she is, her eyes slowly closing again. 

“You better talk to me,” she murmurs, “So I don’t fall asleep again.” 

There is a long pause, then Ben asks, “Why were you so embarrassed? The other night. After the movie?” 

She’s groggy still, her mind is slow to catch up with his words. When they do finally register, she snorts in amusement.

“Oh God, that fucking movie. I don’t know,” she says plaintively, “Cause you’re eighteen? And we basically watched porn together.” 

“So, you would have been less embarrassed if I was older?” 

Rey considers it, then says, “No, I’d probably still be horrified. Anything to do with sex is embarrassing to me. “

“How come?” 

“Because, sex is awful.” 

Ben makes a strangled sound that could have been a laugh. Rey likes the sound of it, her ear is pressed up against his chest and she can feel his body move when he does that. “Why is it awful?” 

“I mean, I guess it isn’t for everyone.” Rey huffs out a breath of annoyance, “I don’t know. Maybe it's just because I’m terrible at it.”

“Why would you say that? Did someone say that to you?”

He doesn’t sound amused anymore, he sounds outraged, he’s pulled her in closer to her body and Rey finds she doesn’t mind. 

He feels so big and solid. She feels like a small woodland creature huddled up against a giant tree in a storm; sheltered and safe. 

“No,” Rey reaches on hand out to pat him reassuringly on the part of his chest where she isn’t resting her head. 

“I’m just not very experienced. And I think it’s my own issues. When I was around nine or ten, I was living with three other children in a home, the others told me the dad would sometimes come into their rooms at night and touch them.

“I used to lie awake at night, waiting for him to come into my bedroom. Eventually I stole a kitchen knife and slept with it under my pillow. The wife found it when she was changing the bedsheets and she thought I was psychotic. I got sent to another home not long after that. I was lucky. I’ve heard stories from other kids like me. I think it made me weird when it comes to sex. I don’t...I don’t find it easy, trusting people, let alone trusting them with my body.” 

Ben is silent for a long time, she can feel the emotions churning through him, the arm around her is tense. 

“Ben?” Rey whispers.

He doesn’t respond and she feels a tear escape and slide down her face. “Please don’t feel sorry for me.” 

“ _I don’t_ ,” He replies emphatically, “I swear I don’t. I just...I want to find that asshole right now and beat the living shit out of him.” 

“He’s dead. I read it in my file. He got sent to prison a few years after that. He died there.” 

He pulls her closer into him. " _Good._ ” 

They don’t say anything for a while, and then Rey asks finally, “What about you?” 

“What about me?” 

“I mean - do you… didn’t you find sitting through that movie embarrassing?” 

“No - I thought it was fucking hot.” 

Rey smacks him on his chest, he’s looking at her with a naughty smile which makes her laugh despite her exasperation at his response which sends him into peals of laughter. 

The sounds of their shared mirth chases the black mood from the room and Rey feels well enough to tease him back, “Of course _you_ don’t have anything to be embarrassed about.” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“Comeon, there’s actual written history of your conquests recorded in the school’s toilets.” 

Ben sounds amused again when he replies, “That stuff’s not true you know. I did hookup with a couple of girls last year. The rest is just fake high school gossip.”

Rey is annoyed, for some reason, that he doesn’t even have the decency to sound even a little self-conscious about any of it. 

“A couple?” Rey repeats dubiously, “There...were really specific details.”

“Like what?” He asks casually, and Rey suddenly realizes that _he knows_. 

He knows exactly what’s been written about him over the stalls of the second floor girls toilet. 

And now he knows that she knows. 

Rey flushes, and tries to respond haughtily, “Ugh. I’m not telling you, I’m not feeding your ego.” 

She tries to sit up, to make the excuse to go to the bathroom, but his arm around her tightens, he pulls her back against him.

She looks up at him and he’s watching her, studying her again with that look on his face from when she said goodnight to him after the movie. 

“Don’t.” Rey says grumpily.

“Don’t what?” When she doesn't respond, he asks her gently, “Why are you mad at me?” 

“I’m not mad,” Rey denies, “I’m going to use the bathroom.” 

“They didn’t mean a thing to me, you know,” Ben’s eyes take in her reddened cheeks, “None of them did. Those girls just wanted to brag about bagging the star QB, none of them know me. Not like you do.” 

Rey’s heart is speeding up, the tone in the room has shifted, the exposed skin of her arms are covered in goosebumps and she’s suddenly, very awake and very alarmed. 

“I should - I should go.” 

“Why?” 

Rey’s breath is coming out unevenly as she starts to comprehend how unforgivably stupid she has been in coming to his house tonight. 

When she takes too long to respond, he asks her softly, “Why did you ask me how many girls I’d been with?” 

“I don’t - I don’t know.” 

“Don’t you?”

His other hand, the one not on her waist reaches out to the back of her neck, stroking her skin there gently with his thumb. 

Rey just stares back at him, confused as to why he is touching her so intimately like he doesn’t know that it’s not allowed in the rulebook. 

His gaze shifts down to stare at her mouth, and she doesn’t even realize he is about to kiss her until he starts to lean into her. 

Rey gasps, turning her head instinctively so his lips brush her cheek instead. 

“Ben.” She protests. “Ben - no.” 

“It’s okay,” He whispers, pressing another soft kiss on her cheek. 

She starts to tremble, he feels it and pulls her in tighter against his body.

“Don’t be scared,” he tells her, “I know you’re not experienced, I’ll take care of you.” He starts pressing hungry kisses down to her neck, sucking and nipping at her skin. 

“I - I should,” Rey breathes in sharply as his mouth latches onto the sensitive skin where her neck meets her collarbone, “I - Ben, I should go.” 

“Don’t go, not yet.” He murmurs. His hands, _oh God_ , they’re touching her everywhere, one hand is under her shirt, the work-roughened pads of his fingers skim over the skin of her belly, moving up to gently cup one breast, thumbing her hardened nipple over the thin material of her bralette. 

Rey has been so naive. 

She’d dismissed Ben’s interest in her as a boyish crush, something he understood and accepted that could never be acted upon. The thought that anything _would_ happen had been ludicrous in her mind. 

She had just been lonely and, if she has to be honest, flattered by his attention. 

Her attraction to him had been something to dismiss and push into the back of her mind. 

But there’s nothing boyish about the deliberate way he is touching her now, or the white-hot desire in his eyes as he looks at her. 

She really needs to go. 

She needs to leave this couch, run out that door and get in her car and drive away. 

Right now. 

But she can’t move. She can barely remember how to draw breath into her lungs. 

His body presses hers back onto the couch, her eyes flutter shut as he fondles her and kisses her neck. 

It doesn't feel at all like any of her previous experiences. He doesn’t paw at her eagerly or handle her like an object. 

His hands are so gentle as he explores her, she doesn’t understand how she can feel so safe, and so frightened at the same time. Yet, somehow, it’s the most natural thing in the world to lie there passively under his body, to let him push her shirt and bra up so he can suck one breast into his mouth. 

“Oh,” Rey breathes, her eyes opening, looking up at the ceiling, she writhes in pleasure beneath him, “Oh, that - feels so good.” 

“Mm,” he moans, she feels the vibrations against her skin, he pulls away from her breast with a wet pop.

“You’ve got really pretty tits, Miss Niima.”

Rey gasps, feeling a trickle of wetness seep out of her. 

This is so wrong. So wrong. 

He is a student. At her school. He’s eighteen. 

They’re in her boss’s house. Jesus Christ, they’re on his mom’s couch. 

All these thoughts are swirling through her mind wreaking havoc with her as he sucks her other breast into his hot mouth. His hand comes up to play with the other nipple, still wet from his mouth, he pinches and toys with it tenderly as his tongue laves at its twin. 

She’s so turned on. She’s never been this turned on in her whole life, her hips keep shifting beneath his weight, her inner muscles clench around nothing as Ben continues to suck and play with her breasts. 

“Ben,” she whimpers, feeling needy and confused, “Ben, I - I think we should stop.” 

His eyes look up into hers, he’s heard her, but he ignores her, he stares at her hungrily as the pressure of his mouth intensifies, “Ah!” Rey’s head falls back against the arm of the sofa, ‘Oh God, Ben, _please_.” 

His breathing is unsteady when he releases her, he starts kissing a trail of wet kisses down her belly, “Just let me, Miss Niima,” his voice husky with arousal, “You’re still fighting it, you have to let go.” 

Rey lies there on the couch, her shirt and bra shoved up under her armpits, her breasts exposed and wet from his mouth, wishing she had the strength to either walk out of the room or to just give in and let him take what he wants from her. 

“I’m so scared,” she whispers into the room. 

“Don’t be afraid,” he comes back up her body so he can look her in the eyes, “I feel it too.” 

He nuzzles his mouth into her neck, his hips pressing down so she can feel his erection against the softness of her belly. 

Those rumors about Ben had not been exaggerated at all. 

Rey’s heart is jack-hammering against her chest as her hips jerk upwards, searching for more of him and he gives it to her, shifting so he’s pressing right there, right against the juncture of her thighs where it’s aching the most. 

She wants him inside her. She wants it so badly she wants to scream. 

“Yes,” Rey gasps. “Ben, please, please, I need -” 

“I know,” Ben kisses her neck sweetly, “I know, I’ve got you all worked up.” 

He’s unbuttoned her jeans without her even noticing, one big hand slides inside to cup her over her underwear. There’s a sharp intake of breath when his fingers make contact with the soaked fabric. 

Fuck,” he hisses, “Oh fuck you’re-” His weight lifts off her and she whimpers at the loss. 

She feels him tugging at her jeans and underwear, she lifts her hips to help him. Her clothing slides down her thighs. Her jeans get caught on her shoes and they fall to the ground along with her jeans and underwear, leaving her naked below the waist save for her white ankle socks. 

He turns his attention back to her, rudely pushing her thighs apart. 

“Don’t,” Rey protests, her hand quickly moves to shield herself from his eyes. 

Nobody’s ever looked at her down there. Nobody’s ever wanted to. In her world, sex had been something you did with the lights off and under the covers where it was dark and safe. 

“Let me see,” Ben says, he leans down to kiss her fingertips, she makes an incoherent sound at the feeling of his hair brushing her inner thighs. “Don’t be shy. You’re so beautiful, every part of you is beautiful.” 

“I-,” her voice wobbles, she’s lost the ability to speak in coherent sentences, “I, Ben-.” 

“It’s okay,” his voice, dark and tempting, washes over like a soothing touch, “It’s just us right now. I promise, I’ll take care of you. Just let me. _Please_.” 

It’s the way he says, _please_. Soft and pleading, like he’ll cry if she denies him this. 

If Rey was in her right mind she would have refused, but the house around them is still and silent. His voice, hands and mouth have started a fever that is coursing through her veins like fire. 

The rest of the world is so far away and it’s just Ben with her in this cool, dark room begging her to let him take care of her.

So, she squeezes her eyes shut, takes a deep breath and moves her hand away. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't kill me for ending it there. I HAD TO. FOR THE SAKE OF BUILDING NARRATIVE TENSION. 
> 
> I am [@MindyCakes](https://twitter.com/mindycakes) on Twitter and @wantisamlindyla on Tumblr. Come say hi!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS CHAPTER WAS A MONSTER TO WRITE. URRRGGGGH. I'm not even sure its any good but I'm so tired of fiddling with it, so here it is my pervy little readers. 
> 
> Plenty of angstyness ahead. Beware!

**Chapter Five**

When Rey had been around nine years old, and her foster mother found a knife under her pillow, she had been forced to see a psychologist for assessment to see if she posed a danger to herself or others before she could be placed in a new home. 

She didn’t mind where they put her in-between homes, she’d already been there a few times. 

Maz was specially trained and fostered kids on a short-stay basis. The place was more of a facility than a home, but Maz was always so welcoming and she looked at you like she was genuinely happy to see you return to her, as if it wasn’t your fault for not being good enough for the family to want to keep you. 

And Maz didn’t just remember your name, she always remembered your favorite flavor of ice-cream and odd facts like Rey’s favorite book was Jane Eyre and Sporty Spice was her favorite Spice Girl. 

The psychologist they sent her to was a strange anemic looking woman, she wore an itchy looking cardigan and she’d stared at Rey with huge, watery, grey eyes that had unsettled her. 

Rey didn’t tell the psychologist why the knife ended up under her pillow.

She had a feeling that if she confessed she was keeping it in case she needed to stab her foster father on the off-chance he came into her room at night then the consequences would be much worse than being sent away from that home to stay with Maz. So, she kept her mouth shut, and she managed to stay with Maz for four months before they found her a home with a stern German Carpenter and his religiously devout wife. 

Years later, when an eighteen year old Rey looked through a copy of her file, she discovered the report that the psychologist had written up of her nine year old self. The phrases: _feelings of abandonment, low sense of self worth,_ and _avoidant coping mechanism_ had jumped out at her. 

Rey had thought viciously, _I’ll show that bitch avoidant coping mechanism,_ and she’d taken the report and ripped it up into a hundred tiny pieces before flushing it down the toilet and proceeded to never think of the report again. 

However, today, for some reason, as Rey takes a hammer to a wall in her living room and starts ripping out the drywall, she keeps thinking of that woman’s watery eyes and that report listing out all the ways in which she was flawed and broken. 

_I am not avoiding the situation,_ Rey told herself, as she slammed the hammer into the wall, dust flying into the air around her, _I just need time to figure out what I am going to do._

She’d already come to the conclusion that she would need to resign. She’d need to find a new job. Her second job teaching English as a second language in the evenings at the community college course didn’t pay much, but maybe there was something else she could teach while she looked for a new position. 

She also had to consider moving away from Chandrila. Although when the thought had entered her mind a few days ago it had caused her to break down and sob into her pillow. 

What would she say to Rose and Finn? 

How could she leave this house behind? It already held so many fond memories for her: all those weekends she’d spent with Finn on the roof. That time Rose had stayed over and she and Finn had rigged the house to convince Rose the house was haunted; sounds of footsteps creeping through the house in the dead of night, the temperature dropping suddenly in the night for no apparent reason, moaning coming from inside the walls. 

Even these recent weeks she had collected a handful of fond memories as she and Ben had laughed, argued and, ate, and now her life was falling apart because they’d - 

Rey’s brain does an about-turn before she can finish that thought. She stops smashing her hammer into the drywall for a moment and tries to catch her breath. 

The self-contempt she feels is so absolute and unforgiving, she can't stop the physical reaction every time her mind edges too close to thinking about what happened on her birthday; bile rises up in her throat and her skin breaks out into a cold sweat.

_Why didn’t you just leave._

_You’re a fucking adult. You should have stopped it._

She was a joke; so desperate, lonely, and pathetic she’d been seduced by an eighteen year old on her thirtieth birthday. 

Rey lets out a shuddering breath when she feels the tears pricking at her eyes and resumes smashing the hammer into the wall. It helps, so she does it again and again, she is hitting the wall so hard she almost misses the sound of someone pounding on the front door. 

Her stomach drops.

Rey had asked Ben not to come to her house and he had respectfully complied with her request...so far. Rey was terrified that he would show up unannounced, she didn’t know what she would say or do if he did. 

“Who is it?” Rey calls out as she approaches the door. 

“It’s me dummy. I’ve been texting you all night, why haven’t you replied?” 

It’s Rose. 

Rey breathes a sigh of relief and opens the door. 

Her hair is pulled back into a sleek chignon and she’s dressed in a pretty wrap dress. Rose looks Rey up and down and throws her arms up in frustration. 

“Why aren’t you dressed?” She demands. 

Rey stares back, she’s in an old pair of jeans and an old t-shirt covered from head to toe in dust. “Dressed for what?” 

“Oh my God,” Rose pushes past Rey into the house. “You have to shower! Right now! We’re going to be late!” 

“Late-” and then Rey remembers. 

The dinner party. 

That Leia had invited her to. 

At her house. 

At Ben’s house. 

Where Ben lives. 

Where Ben will be tonight. 

Where she and Ben had- 

“I can’t.” Rey blurts out. “I can’t go. Just - just make an excuse, Rose. Tell her I’ve got a stomach flu or something. Please, I just can’t go.” 

Rose looks at her oddly. “Babe, what’s wrong with you? You’ve been MIA all week. You haven’t been responding to my calls or my texts.” 

“I -” For a moment Rey imagines telling Rose what she’d done and quickly recoils from the thought. 

No. No she’d be horrified and disgusted with her. Who wouldn’t be? 

“I’m not feeling great.” She says lamely at last. 

Rose frowns and peers into the living room where Rey had been attacking the drywall. “What are you doing to the wall?” 

“I’m pulling the wall apart. I need to check the support beams for wood rot.” 

Rose looks puzzled and looks over at Rey again. “Nope. No. You’re not getting out of this tonight. If you can smash up a wall then you’re well enough for some polite conversation and food.” 

Rey searches her mind for a proper excuse, but she comes up short. 

She’s barely slept a wink these past few days. 

And as Rose starts pushing her towards her bathroom, telling Rey she’ll find something for her to wear and she needs to hurry her ass up, Rey can’t summon the strength to resist without coming up with a proper lie to get out of going to Ben’s house for dinner. 

Rey moves on autopilot. Undressing, washing her hair, stepping out of the shower, she makes the mistake of looking down as she is toweling herself dry. She catches sight of the suck bruises on her breasts and all along the insides of her thighs and she closes her eyes so she doesn’t have a mental breakdown in her bathroom. 

_“Does that feel good?”_

_“Y-Yes,” she whispers, “Yes, it’s good.”_

Rey pushes the memory aside, wrapping the towel tight around herself and walks into her bedroom where Rose has laid out a grey and peach colored floral dress and matching grey kitten heels. It’s the same outfit she had purchased for Rose’s sister’s wedding brunch a few years ago and never had another occasion to wear again. 

“Aren’t I going to be overdressed?” Rey asks, feeling a little like a lost child.

“No, it’s perfect. Hurry up,” Rose says as she closes the door behind her, leaving Rey to get dressed. 

  
  


***

Leia greets her with a soft kiss on the cheek which makes Rey fidget uncomfortably. 

If Leia knew what Rey had done she’d be more likely be greeting her with a slap across the face. 

Rey feels on edge as Leia ushers her and Rose into the house. The living room is dark and empty as Rey walks past it. 

The house feels different now that it is filled with people. The lighting in the dining room is soft and inviting, the sounds of relaxed laughter greets her and Rose as they join the other guests in the dining room. 

Rey recognises Dr Ackbar, the head of science department, Larma D’Acy, the head of English and her wife, Wrobie Tyce, who teaches biology at Exogol High, Amylin Holdo, the Deputy School Principal and a man who looked about a few years older than Rey, very handsome with olive skin and dark curling hair, he introduces himself to Rey as Poe Dameron. 

“Poe was one of my students when I was teaching at Yavin U,” Leia says looking extremely pleased, “He’s joining our staff this year as our new school counsellor.” 

Rose has met Poe already of course, and greets him cheerfully, introducing Rey to him as her best friend and not-very-subtly informs Poe that Rey loves running too and suggesting that maybe Rey and he could be running buddies and train for the City’s marathon together even though Rey has never run a marathon in her life. 

It suddenly becomes clear why Rose had picked this dress for Rey even though everyone else is dressed fairly casually and why Rose had been so insistent that she come to dinner tonight. 

Rey finds herself seated between Poe and Rose at the table and on any other night, Rey would have been amused by her best friend’s antics and made the best out of the situation. 

But she can barely follow the conversation flowing in the room. The succulent slow roasted shoulder of lamb smells of fragrant rosemary and roasted garlic but it might as well have been cardboard. She can’t smell or taste a thing. She shifts restlessly in her chair, her eyes keep getting drawn to the entrance to the dining room, wondering when Ben is going to appear and direct his intense, needy, eyes at her and then everyone in the room will just look at them and _they’ll know_ exactly what happened in this house one week ago. 

“So, how did Rose strong-arm you into coming to dinner tonight?” An amused voice on her left cuts through the panic building inside her mind. 

Rey turns to look at Poe, “I’m sorry?” 

“You just keep looking at the exit.” Poe explains, “It made me think you’re desperately trying to find a way to escape.” 

“Oh,” Rey smiles weakly, “I’m sorry, I’m being a terrible dinner partner. I’m just - tired. And I’d forgotten this dinner was on tonight. I’m a little all over the place.” 

He gives her a nice easy smile. “What’s got you so tired and distracted?” 

Rey grasps at the first excuse she can think of and explains that she’s renovating her house. 

To her relief, he listens with interest and asks intelligent questions, and he doesn’t launch into a tirade about all the mistakes that she has probably been making and all the things she probably doesn’t know about building and construction that most men she has encountered tend to do once she tells them she’s doing her own house renovation. 

When Rey and Poe turn their attention back to the table, Amylin is soberly telling the table a story that she’d heard from another teacher at a conference. 

A young, attractive teacher teaching in a highschool had her life destroyed when a few boys from her highschool had found her dating profile on Tinder. 

The boys had created a fake profile and catfished the teacher and convinced her to send nudes of herself to the fake profile. The photos had been circulated in the school by the students and the teacher had resigned and tried to take her own life. 

Rey feels a drop of sweat roll down her spine. 

The few bites of food she has managed to swallow starts to roil around in her stomach while the other guests lament how frightening social media can be in the wrong hands and how repulsive it is that the boys responsible hadn’t faced consequences for their actions. 

A new terrible thought has entered her already overwrought mind. She recalls Leia telling her that most of the boys in the school found her attractive. 

What if it had all been an awful prank? She imagines Ben bragging to a group of senior boys about how easy it had been to convince poor lonely Miss Niima to let him- 

Her hand trembles as she takes a sip of wine. 

Dinner finally ends and they move into a smaller room with overstuffed armchairs, freshcut flowers in crystal vases, and a baby grand in the corner of the room. 

Leia brings out a sumptuous cheese platter and everyone’s wine glass gets replenished. 

Poe perches himself on the arm of Rey’s chair like they are already close friends as he reaches for a chocolate covered pretzel from the platter on the coffee table in front of her, “Leia mentioned her son has been helping you with some repairs around the house.” 

“Yes,” Rey replies, reaching blindly for a handful of almonds and stuffing them into her mouth hoping that will be the end of that line of questioning. 

“I haven’t seen Ben for a while.” Poe explains. “We didn’t exactly leave things on good terms, the last time we saw each other. It’d be good to see him and clear the air before term starts. I wouldn’t want him avoiding my office because - well. Leia said you two were close. I just wanted to test the waters a little I suppose.” 

“We’re not - why didn’t you get along?” 

“Initially? Jealousy I think. He was just a kid when I was completing my Masters degree and I was always over at their house, holed up with Leia in her study and bothering her with questions about my thesis. And then afterwards, I stayed close with the family and I always got invited by Leia and Han to spend holidays with them since my folks retired and moved to Cuba and I can’t always fly down there for a visit. 

“And then...I don’t know, after that he _really_ started to hate me, and I wasn’t as patient with him as I should have been. The last time we saw each other, he took my car without asking and took off with it for a joyride and scratched it up pretty badly. He was such an unrepentant little punk about it. I lost my temper and we ended up beating the shit out of each other.” 

“When did all this happen?” Rey asks, imagining Ben as he had been as a boy, small and skinny, in a fistfight with Poe Dameron. 

“Last Christmas.” 

Rey blinks. 

Poe grimaces. “I spent Christmas Eve in the emergency ward with fractured ribs and a broken nose. 

Ben had mentioned he was working on his anger issues with his psychologist. 

Rose had mentioned childhood tantrums. But that angry, reckless and violent part of Ben; she hadn’t ever witnessed that side of him. 

She is saved having to respond to Poe by the sound of the front door opening. 

Every muscle in her body tenses as footsteps draw closer to the room where she and the rest of the guests are gathered. 

But it’s not Ben who enters the room. 

It’s a young, slim woman with dark hair, green eyes, dressed in a black crop top, black jeans, black converse hightops, her diamond nose stud adds to the air of barely tamed wildness that she exudes.

She looks familiar but Rey can’t quite place where she’s met her before. 

“I thought I heard the sounds of middle-aged mediocrity getting drunk and gossiping about their students in here,” the girl swans into the room as if she owns the house. 

The noise in the room dies immediately. 

Leia had been leaning against the baby grand chatting with Amylin, she straightens at the girl’s sudden entrance. “Hello Jyn.” 

Ah, Jyn Erso. Rey remembers her now. She had been in the year group one year ahead of Ben. 

Both her parents had died in a tragic car accident during her freshman year. Rey recalls the beautiful poem she had written for class about her father. It had been titled ‘ _Stardust_ ’ and it had brought tears to Rey’s eyes. 

Jyn had been expelled from the Academy a few months later for breaking another girls’ nose and refusing to apologize. 

“How are you?” Leia says, her words are friendly but her smile is brittle. “It's nice to see you again.”

Jyn draws closer to where Rey is sitting to pluck a crisp green grape from the cheese board and pop it in her mouth, “I doubt that.” 

Leia’s polite expression doesn’t change despite Jyn’s rudeness, “I didn’t know you’d come back. Ben said you’d gone abroad for the summer with your friends.”

“I went to Mexico City with my boyfriend to visit his family.” 

Rey’s attention is drawn to the tall, silent, figure lurking outside the archway of the entrance to the room. 

Had Jyn been invited here by him? Ben had never mentioned Jyn to Rey. She had no idea they were even friends. 

She’s learning a lot about Ben tonight. 

Rey somehow draws her attention back to what’s happening in the room. 

“You must be excited to be starting college soon,” Leia is saying to Jyn. 

“I haven’t decided if I’m going to college yet,” Jyn says offhandedly, “Thought I’d take a gap year and think about it.” Rey can tell she is enjoying delivering this piece of information to the room.

The atmosphere in the room has turned surprisingly tense. Amylin and Wrobie are watching Jyn with narrowed eyes. 

“Disappointed? Bet you were relieved when you thought I’d be going away to college and you’d finally seen the last of me, Dr Organa.” 

Leia’s polite smile fades. “I think you overestimate how much time you occupy my thoughts, Jyn.” 

Leia eyes slide past Jyn to her son lurking in the hallway. “Have you both eaten? There’s plenty of food left from dinner. Ben, why don’t you take your guest into the kitchen and serve her some food.” 

Jyn’s smug expression at Leia’s dismissal of her indicates to Rey that the crack in Leia’s polite veneer is exactly what Jyn had wanted by coming into the room, she steals another grape before turning to leave the room. 

She can’t see Ben’s face but she can _feel_ his eyes on her, she’s very conscious of Poe perched on the arm of her chair and how cozy they must look to him. 

He moves out of sight one moment later and Rey releases a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding. 

She isn’t going to be able to put this off any longer.

Rey waits for exactly ten minutes before making an excuse of needing to use the bathroom and slips into the hallway.

Ben is already there leaning against the wall, waiting for her. She follows him silently as he leads her up the stairs into a bedroom that must belong to him. 

Rey stops short at the entrance to Ben’s bedroom. Jyn is lounging on the neatly made bed playing with her phone.

She gets to her feet up at their appearance, eyeing Rey as she makes to leave the room. “Hey Miss Niima.”

Rey is a little taken aback that her old student still remembers her. “Hi Jyn.”

“ _That’s_ your mysterious new girlfriend?” She looks Rey up and down and grins at Ben. “Nice.”

Rey wraps her arms around herself, feeling like she’s falling down a bottomless hole.

“Out, Erso.” 

Once they are alone, Ben turns to face her, he takes in her bone-white face and reaches out as if to touch her. She quickly takes a step back, staring at a pile of unfolded laundry in a basket in the corner of the room so she doesn’t have to look at him. 

His hands fall back to his sides, “Are you alright?” 

Rey can’t respond at first. She swallows a few times before she finally manages to ask, “Ben - How many people have you told anyone about what happened last week? Because I need to - I really need to know.” 

“I haven’t told anyone.” 

“But Jyn-”

“Jyn went to Exogol High. That girl we saw at the cinema told some of the other girls at her school that she saw me at the movies on a date with a mystery woman. That’s all.” 

“She just saw me in here.”

“She doesn’t care, trust me. Jyn won't say anything to anyone.”

Rey finally looks at him. She takes in his furrowed brow, his long, serious face. 

She has no idea what he’s thinking. The last time she had made a mistake of thinking she understood his mind it had blown up spectacularly in her face. 

Rey had thought she knew him, but she doesn’t, not really.

“Ben, I’m going to…,” she can’t do this looking at him, she focuses on the collar of his black polo shirt instead, “I'll be resigning from my position at the school, before the start of term.” 

“Why?” His voice is surprised. Somehow, that reaction causes some anger to break through the anxiety and terror that has been plaguing her all week. 

“ _You know why_.” Rey says, her eyes snapping to his face. 

“And then what will happen?” Ben asks, he is watching her with his eyes narrowed. “After you’ve resigned?” 

Rey frowns at his question, “I’m going to try and find another teaching position.” 

“I’m not talking about your job, I’m talking about us.” 

Rey’s heart thumps at the word. 

Us. 

As if they’re...they’re something. As if he isn’t eighteen and she’s not thirty and he’s not a senior in high school. 

“Ben,” Rey says as calmly as she can manage despite the rising hysteria she feels. She can barely believe she’s having this conversation with him. “Nothing can happen. Nothing will happen ever again. It shouldn’t have...I shouldn’t have allowed it.” 

“Why did you then?” He sounds annoyed now, his temper is rising, “If you didn’t want me then why did you let it happen?” 

“I - _Ben,_ I didn’t let it happen, I - “

“So I forced you then,” He persists belligerently, “Is that what you’re saying?” 

Apparently he is determined not to make this easy for her. 

“ _No_ ,” she says emphatically, “No, that wasn’t what it was. It was just - Ben please don’t pretend you don’t know how wrong this is.” 

“I’m not pretending.” He says fiercely, “I just don’t care.” 

He moves in on her and this time, she isn’t quick enough to evade him. 

His big hands close around her upper arms, and he pulls her into his space. Her heartbeat speeds up at the feel of his hands on her.

“I want you.” He continues, “I’ve been in love with you since I was fourteen years old and you walked into my life on the first day of freshman year.

"You wore a white blouse dotted with pretty green leaves that looked like Spring. You read Ulysses by Tennyson to us. You read out two hundred-year-old words written by a dead man to the class and turned the words into music.” 

Rey can’t breathe, she panics as she realizes he is doing it again. He’s springing a trap for her with his words and his beautiful, dark, burning eyes. Rey tries to move away but he doesn’t allow it, the grip on her arms tighten.

“I want to be with you. And you want me. Who gives a fuck about what people think.” 

“This isn’t love, Ben.” Rey whispers, pleading with him to understand, to see reason. “It's infatuation. You’ve just been lonely and grieving. I’ve been kind to you. That's all.” 

He stares at her, “Is that all it was then? Kindness? Were you just being kind when you let me suck on your tits?”

Jesus Christ. Rey needs to get out of this room. She needs to get out of this house and run back to the safety of her own home and douse herself with ice cold water to rid herself of this hold he has over her. This fever he manages to ignite inside her with barely any effort at all. 

“You’re young, Ben,” She says, desperately, “It’s easy to think what you’re feeling is more than just your hormones.”

His eyes flash with anger. “Don’t.” He says brusquely, “You’ve never treated me like a kid. Don’t start talking down to me now. Not when I’m telling you my feelings for you.” 

Something inside her breaks at his words. 

The tightrope of terror and self-loathing she has been walking all weak suddenly snaps and the emotions morph into anger as she tries to shove him away from her. 

“Were you in love with me when you fucked half the girls in the school too?” Rey demands furiously. 

“I told you already, He snarls. “They didn't mean anything to me. I grew a foot and half over the summer break, my dick was constantly hard, and every time I turned around there was a girl offering to let me fuck her.”

“Go find one of them then.” Rey cries, pushing at his chest angrily, “You’ll be away at college next year. You’ll meet other women there, other women who can fucking recite Tennyson to you and you’ll just forget about me once you’re there.” 

“Forget about you,” he says disbelievingly, he hauls her in close, his fingers are digging painfully into her flesh, his face is so close to hers she can count every mole, every freckle. 

“How the fuck do I do that when I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you all week. I can’t get you out of my mind. Your taste, your pretty tits, the sounds you make when you come, how tight you felt around my fingers-”

“ _Stop_ . _”_

“You still don’t understand yet,” Ben is saying, he’s so furious he shakes her a little, “You just think of me as a kid, some sex-crazed boy who’s hot for teacher. You don’t believe me when I say I love you.” 

“I’m just a novelty to you,” Rey is crying now, barely able to take in anything he is saying, “You got bored of the girls in school and you needed a new challenge. You wanted to see if you could fuck your old English teacher. And I made it so easy for you didn’t I?” Her voice breaks on a sob. 

“I was weak and lonely and all you had to do was touch me and I let you have everything you wanted even when I _knew_ it was wrong.” 

“No - stop that, I would never - _Rey, I love you_.” 

She is startled into silence. She realizes, absurdly, it's the first time he has used her first name. 

“You’re not weak,” He continues, “You’re the strongest person I know. You grew up without a family. You had no one to take care of you; nobody showed you love, or kindness, but somehow, you hand it out to others without thought, like it’s as natural as breathing to you.” 

Rey’s clutching his shirt in her hands now and she’s staring up at him, two halves of herself warring with another. One part desperately wishes he would stop talking and allow her to keep some piece of herself intact and not shattered beyond repair by the end of this evening. But the other part, oh that poor, little, abandoned, orphan girl in her, hopes he will never stop talking. 

He is staring at her with longing, and tenderness, and something else, something else written all over his face that makes her tremble with need. “You’re stubborn, and brave, and above all things you long for love, but you're not willing to settle for anything less than a love that poets have written about.

“You want to keep a broken house and fix it and live there long enough for your roots to dig into the soil because you’ve never had your own home and you’ve never felt like you belonged anywhere.” 

They’re so close now they’re almost embracing. 

Her hands are clenched tight in his shirt, she’s leaning into him like a flower seeking the warmth of the sun. 

His voice is so soft now, so gentle, “But you do belong, you belong with me. Just like I belong to you.” 

Her eyes flutter down to his mouth. 

He’s so warm, she thinks dazedly, so big and warm. 

The moment is broken seconds later by the sounds of laughter from downstairs and Rey suddenly remembers where they are. 

She takes a shuddering breath, and pushes his arms away. He allows her to take a step back, Rey stares at the carpet, trying to gather strength for her next words.

“It’s done, Ben. I can’t go back and undo it. I can only...do what’s right. I’m going to resign. I won’t say anything to anyone about what happened. I’ll go teach somewhere else, and you should just try to move on with your life. Please.” 

“Why are you resigning?” Ben demands, his temper flaring once more. “We didn’t do anything wrong. I’m eighteen. I’m an adult. You haven’t been my teacher for years.” 

“I - I could get fired for this, Ben.” Rey whispers, “You’re still a student. It’s against the school’s policy. I could get sued by the school. It’s misconduct. I wouldn’t be able to find another job, I’d be ruined.” 

He stares at her for a longer while, dark eyes assessing, his brilliant mind racing, “Don’t go.” He says quietly, “You love the Academy. I didn’t tell anyone. I _wouldn’t_ tell anyone. I wouldn’t- I wouldn’t ever do anything that would hurt you. ” 

She doesn’t say anything, instead she turns and starts to walk to the door, the journey seems to take an eternity.

As she reaches out her hand for the door knob, she hears him say from behind her, “I’ve loved you since I was fourteen, Rey. I know you don’t believe me, but it’s true. 

“I’ll never not want you.” 

***

Rey manages to act normal for another twenty minutes before she breaks and asks Rose to take her home. 

She feigns a headache and Rose allows them to sit in silence on the drive home, she doesn’t even ask her about Poe. 

She hovers by Rey’s elbow until they’re inside, satisfying herself that Rey does have Tylenol in the house before finally leaving. 

Rey kicks off her heels and curls up into a ball on her tiny mattress on the floor of the big lonely house that had been left to her by a family that had never wanted her.

She closes her eyes hoping she will drift off to sleep. 

But as the minutes tick by, it becomes obvious that she’s too tense to sleep, her muscles are drawn tight, she’s aching and throbbing all over, the house is so silent around her and Ben’s voice keeps replaying in her mind. 

_I’ll never not want you._

She gives in. 

She reaches down pulling her dress up to her hips. Her hand dips into her underwear where she’s already wet.

She closes her eyes and, in the safety of her own bed, she finally surrenders to the memory she has denied herself from reliving all week. 

_Once she has removed her hand, she feels him press a kiss to her inner thigh as if to thank her, and then she feels a finger gliding through her folds._

_Rey gasps at the sensation of his calloused fingertips on her flesh._

_“You’re so wet already,” he says, and he’s right, she feels him drawing his fingers through the copious amount of moisture that has gathered down there._

_She feels him shifting, the sofa beneath her moving as he adjusts his weight._

_The first wet glide of his tongue over her cunt startles her._

_She jumps, her hands reach out but there’s nothing to hold on to, she hugs her arms to her chest instead and tries not to squirm._

_He laps at her slowly, languidly, like he’s learning her taste, testing what makes her jerk and cry out._

_“Does that feel good?”_

_“Y-Yes,” she whispers, “Yes, it’s good.”_

_Another long lick. “Can you usually come just by playing with your clit? Or do you need more?”_

_Rey feels herself flush ten shades of red. “J-just, usually I can just - external stimulation is enough for me.”_

_He seems pleased with that answer, and he resumes running his tongue over her folds, and Rey desperately tries to regain some composure instead of flopping and twitching about like a fish on dry land every time his tongue swipes over her._

_But a few moments later, she feels him sink his tongue inside her, the sensation is so foreign, so invasive,_ so rude, _her hips jerk and she arches her back. “Ben.” She cries out, half in protest, half as a plea._

_“Fuck,” Ben growls against her pussy, “Fuck you have no idea how hard I am right now.” She pushes her hips wantonly against his mouth, trying to get closer. The feel of his breath on her wet flesh and the vibrations against her when he growls like that -_

_His mouth seals itself around her clit and he sucks -_

_Rey knows what sex is, she’s sure she does. She’s had sex with three different people. She has watched porn. She’s read romantic novels. She is familiar with the act._

_So Rey knows, without a doubt, what Ben is doing to her, it isn’t sex._

_It’s ruin._

_Rey doesn’t quite know what’s happening, she’s half out of her mind as Ben sucks and laps and slurps at her cunt like she’s an ice cream flavor he can't get enough of, she spreads her thighs wider, as wide as she can go, she digs the heels of her feet into the soft leather of the sofa beneath her, lifting her hips, one hand has found its way into the nest of soft black curls on his head, the other one is clutching at anything she reach, his shoulder, her own thigh, until it joins her other hand in his hair pulling and tugging at him while he devours her whole._

_Any hope she has of getting through this with her dignity intact has been thrown out the window._

_She’s making the most obscene noises and cries that would make a pornstar blush._

_What’s even more arousing is how he is moaning with her, like her pleasure is feeding his own like an echo chamber, looping round and round until she doesn't know if the source of it begins with her or him._

_When the throbbing inside her starts to crest, she loses control of her mouth and starts to babble and beg._

_“Ben,” Rey whispers, “That feels so good, yes, yes please, please suck me, suck on my clit, that feels so good. You’re going to make me come. Please. Please, don’t stop.”_

_She comes hard, the rolling waves of pleasure causes her entire back to suddenly lift up off the sofa, she hunches over herself, crying out and watching her hips bucking violently while Ben, with his wide shoulders and his big strong hands, keep her thighs spread wide open so he can continue to lap and suck at her through the aftershocks._

_Rey falls back onto the sofa, surprised to discover she’s ready to come again._

_More, her pussy cries, Moremoremoremore._

_She needed more, more pressure, more of him, she was throbbing inside, aching with how empty she felt._

_“Ben,” she whispers, her hands come up to play with her breasts, “I need more, I’m so close, can you give me more?” He moans against her in response, and then she feels a finger pressing at her entrance, Rey eagerly presses herself forward,“Yes,” she pleads, “Yes, please, inside me. Please.”_

_The finger dips into her, and she groans at the exquisite feeling of being filled, she cries with dismay as he suddenly withdraws his finger and his mouth._

_“Let me give you one more, one more,” Ben is panting as he presses the tips of two fingers against her entrance. “Jesus fucking Christ you’re so tight, I wanna stretch you out. Will you let me Miss Niima? Just stay still, just let me do it, you’re so small, fuck, fuck you’re tight, you’d feel amazing around my cock. I’d give anything to fuck you right now.”_

_Rey can do nothing but lie there, letting his words wash over her, whimpering as he works two thick fingers inside her, feeling her body stretch to take him in. It burns a little, but she spreads her thighs as wide as they will go, trying her best to relax because she’s trembling with how much she wants this; she wants him to take everything. She wants him to give her everything._

_It's not easy. Ben keeps cursing under his breath, swearing at how tight she feels, how turned on he is watching her try to take his fingers in her tiny little pussy. He leans down to suck her clit again, he does it gently and tenderly until she feels herself growing wetter and softer, until his two fingers can sink smoothly into her._

_It doesn't take long, Ben knows exactly how to curl his fingers and thrust them into her while he sucks on her clit. The feeling of being stretched and filled is so divine, his two thick fingers jamming themselves deep inside her has her throwing her head back and screaming and crying as she comes again, her inner muscles clamping down around his fingers as she shakes and cries his name._

_She doesn’t really recall what happens next, but somehow, Ben is back on top of her, pressing her back into the sofa with his weight, he’s biting and sucking at her tits and his jeans are unbuttoned, her hand is wrapped around his cock._

_He really is very big. Her fingers barely fit around him as she jerks him off; it only takes a few moments and a couple of rough strokes before he’s cursing as he spurts come all over her hand and it spills over onto her belly._

In the end, that’s what makes Rey come. The memory of his soft moans as his body jerked against hers, the feeling of his hot come splling down her fingers and dripping onto her stomach. Only this time, in her memory, he whispers into her ear as he comes, “ _I’ll never not want you._ ”

Once the sweat has cooled and the throbbing in her body has receded, Rey is furious again. 

Not with herself this time. But with Ben. 

_What does he know about wanting?_ Rey thinks viciously. _What does he know about anything? He's eighteen with his whole life ahead of him. He’ll go to college next year, he’ll meet thousands of girls. Rich girls. Brilliant girls. Girls with pedigree and trust funds and family holiday homes in the Hamptons._

He’ll leave her. 

And she’ll still be here, too broken for love and alone. 

She’s always been alone. 

Once he is gone, all she’ll be left with is this memory of him. Rey turns her face into the pillow and finally allows the tears to come. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, please consider leaving me a comment if you enjoyed this chapter. They brighten up my day!
> 
> I am [@MindyCakes](https://twitter.com/mindycakes)on Twitter and @wantisamlindyla on Tumblr. Come say hi!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All my love to Kris for beta-ing this chapter and correcting my dumb writing mistakes and giving me the encouragement I needed to finish this long awful chapter!!! This chapter would still be sitting in my google docs gathering dust if it wasn't for her!

_It’s getting late._

_Their table is the only one still occupied in the tiny Thai restaurant._

_The jasmine tea Rey is still nursing has turned ice-cold and nobody’s come by their table to top up the teapot with hot water for some time now._

_Rey is getting the feeling that she and Ben are overstaying their welcome but she’s too engrossed in their conversation to accept the subtle hints the staff are trying to send them._

_“Does it upset you?” Rey asks Ben, “When people you don’t really know that well just start talking to you about your grief?”_

_Ben considers her question, “It depends. When my grandmother died we sat Shiva for a week. Hoards of people came to our house everyday and all anyone did was talk and talk endlessly about their own experiences with death. I was seven and my dad and I kept taking turns hiding in the garage. Mom said having the people from your community come sit with you during Shiva was about making you feel less alone during the grieving period._

_“Dad converted for Mom when they married but at least Mom didn’t make us sit Shiva for him, he would have hated it. But people were still coming up to me after the funeral to tell me things like, ‘Oh when I was your age, I lost my sister and she was only eleven at the time. At least your dad had a chance to live a full life.’ Like it was supposed to make me feel better.”_

_“Did that make you angry?” Rey asks curiously._

_“Surprisingly, no. Things don’t rile me up that easily anymore. It’s like…” Ben pauses as he searches for the right words._

_“Somedays it feels like I'm a boat, and the anchor that was keeping me tied down has suddenly just disappeared. And I have no idea why or whether it disappeared for a purpose. But no matter how hard I look, I’m not going to find an acceptable reason._

_“So I'm just floating there, slowly being pushed out to sea. And everything that I thought was important is no longer important. Everything I thought was real and safe suddenly feels intangible and breakable.”_

_Rey already knew that Ben felt emotions very deeply even if, at first glance, he comes across as withdrawn, and sullen. But she hadn’t known how eloquent he could be in expressing his thoughts and feelings. She wonders if it's something that’s become easier to him since he started therapy._

_“There’s a quote by Mary Gordon that I heard a long time ago that stuck with me,” Rey says, “_ ‘Fatherless girls think all things are possible and nothing is safe.’ _”_

_Ben ponders this with a furrowed brow. “Is that true for you?”_

_“I always wondered if that applied to orphan girls as well as fatherless girls,” Rey says lightly, “But I can relate to it. There’s always a feeling lurking in the back of my mind, things can and will change at a moment’s notice, like an asteroid could strike the Earth tomorrow and wipe out all of humanity. Most people don’t go around with those thoughts occupying their mind all the time.”_

_“Then how do you manage to get yourself out of bed each day? Or get anything done?”_

_“But it goes both ways doesn't it? An asteroid could wipe out humanity tomorrow, so I can just stay in bed and hide because there’s no point to anything. But if I decide to get out of bed and go for a walk, I could also find the man of my dreams waiting for me on the corner of the street. Anything is possible.”_

_They both pause as a tiny woman, smiling apologetically, approaches their table with their check on a silver dish along with a handful of mints._

_Rey is digging out her wallet from her purse when Ben says to her, “But if we’re going to go through life always knowing that nothing is safe, how do you put your faith and trust in anything?”_

_“Well, if you live your life without trust in anything then you’re living your life in fear.” Rey says, dropping two twenties on the silver dish. “A life lived in fear is no life lived at all. So, eventually, you find a way to cope with it.”_

_Ben is watching her, listening intently. He doesn’t fidget with his phone, or gets distracted by his surroundings when they’re talking. He never fails to give her his full undivided attention; she likes how it makes her feel so seen and heard._

_This gives her the confidence to say the next words, hoping they come out as encouraging, rather than lecturing or chiding. “You’re changing and reforming Ben. The person you’re going to become is being shaped by this grief and loss you’re suffering right now._

_“You still have a choice in who that person is going to become. Do you give in to your fears? Or do you just...accept that fear will always be there but don’t let it control your life? The choice is yours to make.”_

_Ben doesn’t get a chance to respond because the lights in the restaurant are slowly being switched off._

_Ben suppresses a laugh and Rey smiles sheepishly at the remaining staff hovering at the entrance as they get up to leave._

_***_

Rey knows the right thing for her to do is to resign. 

She knows. 

But it's hard to come up with a believable excuse for her sudden resignation, and she also knows that Finn and Rose aren't likely to leave the matter alone until she gives them a good reason for why she is leaving the Academy without another job already lined up first. 

So she puts it off. 

After one week passes and Ben doesn’t make any effort to contact her, she starts to breathe easier.

She starts to think that maybe there is no reason she needs to do anything dramatic like uproot her life over their…indiscretion. 

The week before the semester starts is filled with professional development seminars and staff meetings and none of the other faculty members are looking at her like she is the whore of Babylon. 

Nobody even seems to notice her existence, and Rey starts to believe in Ben’s promise to her that he won’t tell anybody about what happened. 

Then another week goes by and still, nothing else happens. The school doesn’t serve her with court papers; Leia doesn’t haul her into her office and fire her on the spot; there are no scandalous news stories about a sex-crazed spinster high school teacher preying on a nubile eighteen year old student. 

It doesn’t seem like she’s going to be stripped naked and forced to shamefully walk the streets of the city and Rey slowly starts to believe that things really can go back to normal. 

After all, it’s not like anything will ever happen again. 

So maybe, she starts to hope that if she can just keep pushing the memory of her birthday further and further into the recesses of her mind, then life will just return to normal. 

The new semester starts and for Rey the first week passes quickly; she is busy learning the names of her new Freshmen, and preparing for her classes. 

If she finds herself scanning the hallways for a glimpse of a tall figure with dark hair and broad shoulders, she tells herself it's only because she doesn’t want to be caught unawares when they finally do run into each other. 

But there’s not a sign of Ben until the second week of term. It’s Tuesday afternoon between the fourth and fifth period. She’s loitering in the hallway outside the teacher’s lounge with Finn and Poe. 

The two men immediately hit it off which is no surprise given that they’re somewhat close in age and it's not like there is an abundance of male staff in the faculty. She’s laughing over some ridiculous debate Finn and Poe are having when she sees him. 

He’s lost his dark blue school blazer, his tie is loosened, and his face is drawn in a fierce frown as he moves down the hallway in her direction. 

There’s a knot inside of her that tightens at the sight of him. 

He walks past where she is standing and she thinks he hasn’t seen her, but then, just before he enters the classroom, he pauses at the last possible moment. 

He turns and their eyes meet.

She’s surprised at how much the emotionless expression on his face stings. 

His jaw tightens. 

And then he walks into the classroom and the pressure inside her expands until it feels like there’s a huge rock on her chest crushing the breath from her lungs. 

***

She sees him again the next day. 

It’s lunch period and she is walking towards the administration center to find Rose. 

She passes a history classroom and her heart leaps at the sight of a familiar figure hunched into himself in the corner of the empty room, staring intently at the screen of his school assigned laptop. 

For one mad moment, Rey imagines stepping inside that room so she can ask him how his classes are going. 

_Are things easier at home?_ She could ask. 

_Are you coping with being back at school?_

_Why aren’t you having lunch with your friends?_

_Do you miss me as much as I’m missing you?_

_Do you hate me now?_

But she doesn't dare stop and he doesn’t look up. 

***

Life does go back to normal. 

She comes home from work. 

She eats her dinner. 

She plays with Baby. 

Poe invites her out for dinner and Rey declines politely. 

Poe is perfectly nice, intelligent and very handsome. But the cocky and irreverent attitude he sometimes puts on to get a laugh out of her or her friends can put her on edge. 

Also, the idea of having sex with him makes her shrink in on herself. 

She imagines him to be a practiced and polished partner in bed; he would know all the right things to say to get the mood going, exactly how to pleasure a woman, and, all the right places to touch and stroke and for exactly how long with just the exact amount of pressure. 

The thought of it makes her want to crawl out of her skin. 

Because she’s had a lover who felt like a turbulent storm in her arms. 

No woman should have the knowledge of how dangerous and intoxicating it feels to be so wholly desired. 

In hindsight, it had been a blessing to have spent so many years blissfully ignorant of the pleasures that the right lover could bring her.

She had thought she could remove the memory of his touch by keeping it locked away deep in her mind. 

But at night, while she is dreaming in her lonely bed, her dark, stormy lover visits her. He fills her up and promises impossible and wonderful things to her while he takes her, over and over, until she wakes up gasping, her fingers reaching for the memory of his warm, hard body; the space between her thighs so hollow and empty it _aches._

***

The Drama Club, co-run by Finn and Rey, will be putting on a production of _A_ _Midsummer Night’s Dream_ at the end of the first semester. 

There is an after-school meeting for new members of the Drama Club on Friday afternoon consisting mostly of Sophomores in the school auditorium so that the new members can get to know each other and participate in some fun activities to break the ice. 

Rey has been running the Drama Club with Finn for the last two years. The additional pay was a bonus, but more than anything Rey loves watching Finn in his element; his sense of humor, playfulness and passion for the Arts is what makes him one of the most popular teachers in the school. 

It also didn’t hurt that he is handsome and young. 

Rey used to be quite amused by the fact that most of the Academy’s female (and some of the male) population harbored a wild and passionate crush on Mr Storm, but it doesn’t seem so funny to her anymore.

The two of them are hanging out in the stalls while the students, in groups of three or four, rehearse scenes for a five minute performance they will put on for the group at the end of the meeting. 

Finn takes the opportunity to ask her, “What’s been going on with you, Peanut? We’ve barely had a chance to catch up since I got back and term started.” 

“Oh, just, the usual stuff.” Rey shrugs, trying to sound nonchalant, “Stressed over the house.” 

Finn makes a sympathetic noise. “You have the structural engineer coming out next week?” 

“Yeah, but I made sure the appointment is in the afternoon. I didn't want to miss brunch with you guys. Is Jannah joining us?”

Finn doesn't answer for a moment, he looks absorbed by something and he’s looking up at the stage. Rey follows his gaze but the students are just huddled in their groups chatting and laughing. Finally, he says, “Jannah and I broke up.”

“What?” Rey stares. “ _Why?_ I thought everything was going so well with you two.” 

“It was,” Finn says, then his face falls, “I mean, I _thought_ it was going well. When we were in Seattle, we had this talk about getting more serious when we got back. We talked about moving in together and she asked me if she could see us being ready for kids in a few more years. 

She wasn’t pressuring me,” Finn adds hastily, “She just wanted to see if we were both on the same page.” 

“And...you weren’t?” Rey is completely thrown. Jannah and Finn had been dating for five months. 

Every time the topic of his girlfriend came up Finn only had wonderful things to report. And besides, Finn wanted kids. He had told her that he wanted a big family of his own one day, with a minimum of three children. 

“I just...I panicked. And it had nothing to do with Jannah. She’s great. It's just...the idea of her and I _living_ together, constantly in each others’ spaces. I’d have nowhere to hide Rey, I’d have to be happy-go-lucky Finn twenty-four seven in front of her. I’m just not ready for that.” 

A few weeks ago, Rey would have been absolutely sympathetic and understanding of Finn’s anxieties and fear. 

How could you render yourself so vulnerable by permitting someone to bear witness to all the petty, messy, selfish impulses that you tried so hard to hide from the rest of the world? 

She understood his fear better than anyone. It was one of the things that had bound her and Finn together; Finn’s parents had taken off when he was young and left him in the care of relatives. He’d been shuffled around from great-aunts to distant cousins his whole childhood. 

She understood exactly what it was like, to live your life on the whims and mercies of others, knowing that if she wasn’t tidy enough, obedient enough, _perfect enough_ , then she would probably be sent away to live somewhere else. 

But that was before Ben. 

Now she knew that there was a kind of intimacy that came so effortlessly you could stumble into without even realizing it. 

The kind of intimacy where a person could make you feel so safe that it was easy to share your wounds and scars with them, to let them inside you without hesitation, and to let them strip you naked and kiss and touch parts of you that you’d never shown anyone else. 

It also meant that it was possible to see everything that was messy and broken about the other person and instead of being repelled by their flaws, your first instinct is to shield them and keep their vulnerabilities locked safe inside your own heart so nobody could ever harm them ever again. 

“Maybe she just wasn’t the right person for you, Peanut.” Rey swallowed, her chest hurt. “Maybe when you meet the right one...you won’t feel like you need to pretend for them.” 

Finn shrugged, “The worst thing about it? She was so nice. She told me that I don’t know what I want. And I needed to figure out what I wanted before I could move forward. And she’s right. I thought I knew, I wanted a family, I wanted a home of my own. But when the opportunity came it freaked me out and I pushed it away.” 

The sadness in his voice was gone a moment later, as if Finn had realized he’d been wallowing in self pity for too long. 

“Well, maybe it’s finally time we go on that singles cruise we keep talking about,” he said, his voice overly cheerful in an effort to restore the mood, “We’ll figure out what we both want over cocktails and flings with some trashy singles.” 

Rey forces a laugh, but a small voice whispers in her head, _But I already know what I want._

_And it terrifies me._

***

Rey has accidentally left some consent forms back in her office so she slips out of the auditorium while Finn is giving suggestions and feedback on the students’ performances. 

The halls are empty and quiet, it’s nearly six o’clock and most of the lights in the building have already been turned off. 

She’s approaching a corner when she hears voices speaking in low urgent tones. 

There’s something strained in the tone of their voices, hinting at a tension that makes her footsteps slow to a halt.

She recognizes one of the speakers as Coach Snoke; he is angry, his voice is silky soft but there’s no hiding the menace behind his words. 

“-throwing it all away and for what? When I found you and put you on the team, it was because I saw your raw, untamed potential and I harnessed it. You were an unstoppable force on the football field because of _me_.” 

“I got tired of it.” 

_Ben._

Rey blinks, starting in surprise. The person Snoke railing at is Ben. 

“I never even enjoyed playing in the first place.”

“You didn’t play because you liked the game. You played because you liked being a winner.” Snoke’s voice is dripping with derision. 

“Admit it, you liked walking through these school hallways like you owned it. I gave you a purpose, and now, without that? Look at you: pathetic and lost.”

“I gave everything I had to you.” Ben replies, sounding tired and defeated. “But even that wasn’t enough for you. Nothing ever was. I lost myself. I lost sight of what was right and what was wrong.”

“Lost yourself.” Snoke laughs, the sound is filled with such contempt it causes both her hands to ball into fists. 

“Well tell me now young Solo, have you found yourself? Happier now are you? Friendless and alone once more? Face the truth. You’re _nothing_ without me. Left on your own you’re just a mewling, crying, child that’s scared of his own shadow-”

There’s a loud crash that sounds like someone being shoved against the lockers. “Don't walk away, I’m not finished with you. _You pitiful, ungrateful, piece of shit excuse-_ ”

Rey has already stood quietly by for far too long. 

She turns the corner. 

Ben is pinned up against the lockers, Snoke’s hands are clenched in Ben’s school blazer. 

He’s a tall, imposing man, so tall that he even towers over Ben. 

As soon as she steps into view his head turns and Rey feels unsettled by the cold, bottomless blue eyes that are suddenly trained on hers. 

“Coach Snoke.” Rey says quietly, but angrily, using the voice she usually reserves for students that she has run out of patience for. “Take your hands off that student. Right. Now.”

His eyes narrow, but he does what she says and slowly backs away. He has a slight limp when he walks, the hint of an ancient injury. 

“I’m just giving Solo here some much needed counselling about his future.” He says, all pleasantry and false geniality. “There’s no need to overreact.”

“People like you shouldn't be left within a ten mile radius of students.” Rey says, low and furious. “I heard more than enough to raise concerns with Dr. Organa about your abhorrent behaviour and misconduct.”

“Misconduct?” He laughs and Rey _hates_ the sound of it; it's mocking and it grates on her nerves. “What do you think Solo? Are you being mistreated by me? You need to go to your Principal Mommy about your awful coach’s abhorrent behaviour?”

Ben stays where he is, slumped up against the lockers, his eyes on the floor refusing to acknowledge her presence. His face is a smooth, blank mask but she sees a twitch underneath his left eye at Snoke’s sneering words. 

Rey feels her blood boiling. She knows men like him. She lived under the thumb of them when she was young and helpless. 

Snoke turns back to her with a smile. “I think you’re just imagining things and trying to make trouble where there isn't any Miss Niima.”

She moves so she is standing between Ben and this monster wearing a human skin.

“Don’t talk to him.” She snaps. “Don't even look at him. Or breathe in his general direction ever again. He’s not one of your players anymore. There’s absolutely no reason for you to ever approach or talk to him ever again.”

Snoke doesn't say anything. But he looks down at her steadily. “Such spunk.” He says, as if in jeering admiration. 

Rey has to hold back a primal urge to spit in his face. 

She is distracted when she feels movement behind her. 

Ben walks past her and down the hall, hitching his book bag on his arm. Rey throws one last look of contempt at Snoke. 

He is supremely unconcerned and instead, he appears intrigued. She feels his eyes boring into her back as she follows Ben down the silent hallways. 

His long stride makes it difficult for her to catch up to him. 

When she pushes the heavy doors to exit the building, spilling out into the warm evening, Ben is already climbing into his car. 

Rey stands there, adrenaline coursing through her body and her heart in her throat as she watches him drive away. 

***

Rey tries to call him later that night. 

It goes to voicemail. 

***

She tries to look for him at school on Monday, but he isn’t anywhere to be found. 

By Wednesday it's clear that he’s purposefully avoiding her so she makes an offhand comment to Rose about how she hasn’t seen Ben around school much since the start of term.

Rose informs her that Leia had been informed yesterday that Ben had been skipping his classes for the last few days and that he’d be stuck in detention for the rest of the week. 

She’s waiting for him in the hallway outside the detention room when the last bell rings. 

When he finally rounds the corner, Rey notices that he looks tired, more pale than usual and there are dark circles under his eyes. 

He slows to a stop when he sees her standing there outside the classroom. 

They regard each other cautiously for a long drawn out moment. 

“Hey,” he says finally, awkwardly. He stuffs his hands into his pockets and he suddenly seems so boyish and vulnerable Rey feels the stiffness in her limbs melting away. 

“Hey,” she replies. “I spoke to Holdo. I need help getting some props out of storage for Drama Club. So you’re helping me instead of sitting in detention today.”

He blinks, and then nods. 

He follows her silently to the auditorium. 

Rey waits until they are both alone under the stage, sifting through piles of dusty boxes and racks of costumes before she finally speaks. 

“You’ve been avoiding me,” She says softly to his back. 

He pauses, “I was giving you some space. I was scared if I didn’t then you really would quit the Academy.”

Relief floods through her. The tension she’s been holding between her shoulder blades loosens and eases. She’d been tortured by the thought that he hated her. 

They work in silence for a while longer, until Rey finally says, “I think you should tell your Mom about Snoke, Ben.”

“If I wanted to do that,” he says calmly, “I would have said something a long time ago, Rey.”

“Why didn’t you?”

His shoulders move up in a shrug, “I’ve dealt with it now. There’s no need to bring it up again.”

“What about the other students? Your teammates? They-,”

“It’s not a secret, Rey. Mom’s been trying to get rid of him for years, But he’s got friends on the school board. He’s careful not to cross the line and accusations and complaints don’t stick to him. You need to stay away from him. Don’t give him a reason to paint a target on your back.”

She stares at the tense line of his shoulders. “You don’t need to protect me, Ben. I can take care of myself.”

“I know you can.” He says roughly, “I’m just - I’m sorry for making you upset. Last time we talked. I didn’t understand how scared you were. I was just thinking of myself. I was acting like a stupid kid.”

She looks down at her hands and she knows she shouldn’t, but she can feel his pain and regret like her own and all she wants is to make him feel less awful so she says quietly, “I’ve missed you.”

He takes a deep, shuddering breath. “Oh God, me too. So much.” She hears the creak of his footsteps on the ancient hardwood floors drawing closer and closer until she feels the heat of his body right next to hers. 

“Rey,” he begins hesitantly, “I know...it’d be difficult for us to keep seeing each other while I’m in school. But, once I’ve graduated, do you think we can...hang out again?” 

She keeps her head down, her body turned away from his so she can pretend she doesn’t understand what he’s really asking her. 

“You’ll be away at college next year, Ben. You’ll be too busy to hang out with me.” She tries her best to sound dismissive, but it just comes out sounding sad.

“What if I’m not?”

Rey frowns, she turns to look up at him. “What do you mean?”

“What if I don't leave for college? I could stay here.”

Rey stares at him mutely, that increasingly familiar and potent mix of panic and regret slowly rising up in her. 

_Oh this was a mistake._ She despairs. _I should have just stayed away._

“Why would you stay?” She demands, “There’s no future for you here, Ben.”

“I just want a chance, Rey. Give me a chance and we’ll figure out the rest together.”

He just stares at her. His face is so open and pleading she feels like a fucking villain for even bringing him here, for telling him she missed him, for leading him on. 

What is _wrong_ with her? 

“There’s no future for us, Ben.” Rey says firmly. “You can’t put off college and - and stay here for what? For another summer fling with me? You’ll just end up regretting the time you wasted here with me instead of living your life.”

“I won’t regret it.”

The confidence with which he makes this declaration is what makes her lose her composure. 

“ _You don't know that_ .” Rey all but shouts at him. “ _You’re eighteen._ You think you know what you want, you think you do but you’re _wrong._ ” 

“All things are possible, Rey.”

Rey falters, staring at him. “What?” 

“All things are possible.” He repeats patiently. When she just stares at him blankly, he says, “That’s what you told me once. You told me not to let fear control my life. But you’re afraid right now, and all you can imagine are the worst possible outcomes of where this goes. You can’t see us going anywhere because your instinct is always going to be telling you that nothing is safe, that nothing will last forever.” 

“Nothing does last forever,” Rey whispers, turning away from him to swipe angrily at her face. “Nothing is safe. And everyone eventually leaves.” 

She feels a hand on her arm, he turns her gently so that she’s facing him once more.

“I’m not afraid, Rey. I want you more than anything. And I’m going to do everything I can to give this a chance. I get that you’re afraid. You have more to lose than I do. So we’ll wait. Until I’m not a student anymore. We’ll figure this out together.” 

Rey wonders whether it’s his age, or his dogged determination, or some other madness that is driving him to believe the things he is saying to her. Had she been so self-assured when she had been eighteen? 

She doesn’t think she has been so confident of anything in her entire life. 

Rey suddenly feels very tired and weary. She turns away and stares unseeingly at the pile of dusty boxes in front of her. 

“Even if we waited until after you graduated,” she says, calmly, “what do you think your mother is going to think when you refuse to leave for college and hang around here with your old school teacher? And what happens when word gets around school, Ben? Have you considered what people would say? The teachers, the students, the parents? I’d be ridiculed. 

“Even if I left the Academy, I’d never get a job anywhere else if a school caught wind of the fact that I dated a student I used to teach. Do you understand? _This isn’t possible_.” 

She doesn’t wait for a response, she storms over to a clothing rack and starts pulling out pieces of costumes at random, ready for this conversation to be over with. 

But of course, Ben won’t let her have the last word. 

“Rey, my love.” 

She sucks in a sharp, shocked breath at the unexpected endearment, her heartbeat goes crazy, all the blood suddenly rushes to her cheeks and she is positive she is glowing bright red in the dim dusty room. 

How is it that he manages to make her incandescent with anger and frustration one moment and reduce her to a trembling mess of yearning and want the next with just two words that he should absolutely have no right to use in her presence? 

She spins around, clutching an armful of costumes to her chest, to find him watching her with soft, dark eyes. 

“Anything is possible.” 

  
  
  



	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone had a safe Easter break!
> 
> I was very productive, hmm? What did I do you ask? Oh, not much, I took my puppy to the beach, visited IKEA, had dinner with family AND OH YEAH I WROTE A NINE THOUSAND WORD CHAPTER FROM BABY BEN SOLO'S POV THAT'S WHAT. 
> 
> Quickly posting this before I head back to work tomorrow. I hope everyone enjoys it. I have a feeling you will. 😊
> 
> I think this story received an additional 100 kudos after I posted the last chapter which totally blew me away. Not sure how it happened, but to everyone out there recommending this story or posting about it on their social media, thank you. 🙏
> 
> Again, all my love and thanks to Kris for beta-ing this for me. Her unfailing enthusiasm for this story keep me sane and focused.

“I’ve noticed you’ve been restless and distracted during our last few sessions,” Dr. Jinn says to Ben. “And your mother wrote to me and said she was concerned because you had skipped some classes last week. Is there anything in particular that’s been troubling you?” 

Dr. Q.G. Jinn reclined in the armchair across from Ben. He didn’t look anything like a therapist. He had a kind face, but his crooked nose and unflappable air hinted that he had lived an interesting life before he’d settled in this small city listening to rich assholes whine about their problems. 

Ben liked him well enough. He was younger and more relaxed than his previous therapists. He didn’t make judgmental or sympathetic faces at him while he talked and he didn’t make condescending remarks to Ben when he brought up his issues with his family or school. 

Ben replies, “It’s just been tough being back at school. But I’m starting to adjust to it.” 

Jinn checks his notes, “You’ve been doing well since you came back to the States. Any outbursts recently?” 

“No.” 

Jinn makes a note, “Have you been keeping up with your anger management exercises? You’re still going for runs? Doing your daily meditation and journal writing?” 

Ben thinks of his recent journal entries, littered with incoherent, half-written letters to Rey that consisted mainly of declarations of his undying love for her. 

There were also attempts at love poems that compared her to things such as: the sun, a ripe peach, a goddess of spring and eloquence, and a lighthouse. There were other things in his journal too, things he would be ashamed to let anyone see: the bitter, passionate and intemperate howlings of a madman. 

And then there were the erotic poems. The ones singing praises to her tight cunt and her pretty tits; poems filled with explicit descriptions of the sexually depraved acts he wants to commit to her body. 

“Yep.” He replies quickly. 

“Have you been self-medicating again?”

He’d gone through a phase of using pot in his sophomore year in an effort to moderate his emotions. 

On one occasion Han had found a half rolled joint Ben had carelessly left in his jacket. After giving Ben a stern talk about the dangers of recreational drug use, Han had given Ben a roguish grin and asked if he could share some of his weed with his old man. 

He feels a sharp twinge of pain in his chest at that memory; Han had gotten high with him while they played video games together. 

He’d grown out of the phase not long after when he joined the football team and Snoke had found out about his habit and accused him of being weak and undisciplined for relying on substances to keep his emotions in check. 

“No.” Ben says to Jinn honestly, “I don’t touch that stuff anymore.” 

“I see,” Jinn says blandly, “I think your mother was only concerned you’d regressed to some of your old habits since Jyn Erso has returned from her summer vacation. Your mother seems to think your old friend still has a corrupting influence on you.” 

“Are you our mediator now?” Ben asks snarkily. “She can’t stand to talk to me in person, so she’s getting our therapist to do her dirty work for her?”

Jinn ignores his little outburst. “Why do you think your mother is worried about Jyn having a negative effect on your behavior?” 

“You know why.” Ben replies dismissively. 

“Sometimes,” Jinn says tolerantly, “It's helpful to try and see things from another person’s perspective, and then perhaps you could better understand the source of her fear.” 

Ben sighs, he sinks back into the couch, unfolding his legs and stretching them out lazily. 

“Jyn hates my mom because she thinks she betrayed her. My Mom was friends with her father. Jyn thinks my mom should have done more to help her when she got in trouble at school for punching that girls’ nose after both her parents died. Instead, Mom sided with the board and had her expelled. Jyn hates her.”

“And what does Jyn’s expulsion have to do with you?” 

“Because when Jyn was self-destructing, she dragged me into her little scheme to make some money and ruin the reputation of the Academy. Jyn got the weed, adderall and the amphetamines from some asshole at her school and we started selling to the other rich, entitled pricks at the Academy.”

“When their grades started to suffer one kid paid me to write his extra credit papers for him. And then we started to do it more and more. It brought in more money than the drugs.” 

“When I started playing football, I didn’t have time to write and sell papers. Then we realized we could make even more cash selling answer keys to exams. I used my Mom’s remote access from her home office to get into the school network. When she caught on to what we were doing she went nuclear.” 

“But neither of you were doing it for the money.”

“No, we did it because we were both stupid and angry and at my Mom and we thought we were fighting the system or something idiotic like that.” 

“And do you think your mother knows that?”

“Knows what?” 

“That you did what you did because you were angry with her? Not because of Jyn’s influence.” 

“Probably. But she probably doesn’t want to admit that because then that would be admitting she is somehow part of the problem and she wouldn’t be able to deal with that. It’s easier for her to blame Jyn.” 

Jinn had given him his full attention while he was talking. Now he made some notes in his notepad. “Maybe it’s something we can keep working on: your anger and how it led you to act out. You could even write out your feelings in a letter if you don’t feel comfortable discussing it in person. And then when we have our joint session next week, this could be the topic we focus on.” 

Ben can’t resist giving Jinn a jeering little smile. “She’ll be away next week. I saw it in our shared calendar on Outlook. She’s got another conference.” 

Jinn makes a note of it. “The week after then, perhaps.”

He fixes Ben with another patient look, “Is there anything else you want to talk about? These sessions shouldn’t just be about me following up with you on your Mother’s emails to me. If you have anything in particular weighing on you, that’s what we should really be focusing on.” 

For a moment, Ben imagines confessing: _I seduced my old English teacher on her birthday because I’ve been in love with her since I was fourteen. She wants me, but she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me because it would ruin her life._

That would go down _spectacularly_ well. 

No, Ben had promised Rey he wouldn’t tell anybody about what had happened. And he meant to keep his promise. 

Even though everything he told Dr. Jinn was confidential, he could only imagine what his therapist would make of his confession. Probably accuse him of having mommy issues and latching onto an older female who would give him the attention that Leia hadn’t given him as a child. 

Dr. Jinn wouldn’t understand, nobody could. How could he explain to them what a good and generous person she was? 

How could he describe what it had felt like when she told him about her fucked up family and childhood, and she’d let him hold her in his arms and give her comfort when she had been feeling vulnerable and hurt. 

He recalls how fierce and fearless she had been, putting herself between him and Snoke as if to protect him even though the Coach was nearly twice her size. 

She made him feel less alone, less of a freak and a disappointment and more of...just himself. 

She made him want to try and be better; to be stronger and steadier so he would be good enough to deserve her. Even though he already knew he wasn’t and would never be good enough for her, he was willing to try. 

Nobody would understand though; they’d just think this was just another new twisted way he’d found to try and fuck up his life. 

Ben just stays quiet. 

Jinn checks the time. “That’s the end of today’s session then. As always, if you feel like you’re struggling, and you need to talk to someone before our next session, feel free to reach out to me. You have my mobile number.” 

Ben stares listlessly out the window while Dr Jinn’s receptionist checks her computer to confirm his next appointment. Wind and rain lashes against the glass. 

It's the first rain of Fall. 

  
  


*** 

  
  


“Damn, Miss Niima is looking extra fine today.” Bastien Cole remarks to Hennix Quarren during homeroom on Monday morning. 

“She’s wearing that white top?” Quarren asks eagerly. 

Ben feels his hands curl into fists and he glares down at the Biology textbook open on his desk. 

He knows the item of clothing they’re referring to. If you just happen to be standing at the right angle on a sunny day, you could make out the outline of her lacy peach coloured bra under the otherwise perfectly conservative white blouse. 

“And the jeans that make her ass pop.” 

Quarren and Cole chortle and a female voice interrupts them to declare snidely, “I have no idea why the boys in this school are all obsessed with her. She’s flat as a seventh-grader and she dresses like a repressed virgin.” 

“It’s because she’s so cute and prim and proper on the outside, like a classy English girl,” Cole explains, “She keeps herself all buttoned up but then you get a little hint of the sexy underwear she’s got on under her clothes. You know that woman’s got a freaky side.” 

“It’s the mystery,” Quarren laughs, “You won’t get it Sara, you don’t know how to keep yourself buttoned up.” 

There’s some low oohs and laughs from his other classmates from the burn. 

The bell rings signalling the end of homeroom and Ben has never been so grateful for the sound as he shoves his way out of the classroom to head to first period. 

*** 

He sees her everywhere even if he doesn’t have any of her classes. 

He’d made an effort to avoid her the first two weeks of term. Then last week, after Snoke had cornered him as he was leaving the computer lab, he’d been so mortified that she’d been a witness to that scene that he’d skipped his classes for two days straight. 

But now that he’s not hiding anymore she’s _everywhere_. Walking down the hallways, pausing and chatting to students during lunch period in the library, and showing up in the computer lab to borrow equipment for her classroom.

And that pretty boy, Dameron. He sees him following her around, sniffing at her heels.

He’s in the administrative building with an appointment to see Holdo, waiting outside her office when he overhears Rose Tico’s voice coming from the small kitchenette around the corner. “They’d be so cute together! I want him and Rey to shack up and have a hundred cute little cherubs to call me Auntie Rosie.”

“Why haven't they gone on a date yet?” Ben doesn’t recognize the other speaker. “They make a great looking couple. I see them hanging around each other a lot.”

“I have no idea. I definitely think Poe’s interested though, because of what happened when a bunch of us went out for drinks last Friday. There was a woman trying to make a move on Poe and he told her he wasn’t available.” 

Ben doesn’t get to hear anymore. Holdo opens her door to beckon him inside and he walks into her office with a sick, hollow feeling in his stomach. 

***

On Wednesday Rey is subbing in for D’Arcy in his English Lit. 

She walks into the classroom and Ben feels like the angry, howling churning inside himself stills and calms. She’s wearing a sunny yellow dress printed with cute little books and she gives the class a big smile. 

Her eyes remain fixed straight ahead while she talks to the class, refusing to stray to the corner of the room where he is seated.

“I see you’re starting the semester with _The Great Gatsby_ , the great American novel. So, as a foreigner to your great land, I will refrain from expressing my opinion on why _To Kill a Mockingbird_ is actually the greatest American novel. I’m more interested in hearing your thoughts on the novel before we get into the lesson plan Ms. D’Arcy had planned for today. Anyone want to start?”

“I think it's a wonderful novel.” Tallie speaks up shyly. Rey nods encouragingly. “It's still so relevant. The class division and the way Tom and Daisy are portrayed as the selfish and thoughtless upper class, making messes for everyone to clean up. I could see the same themes when I watched _Parasite_.” 

Rey beams at Tallie, “I loved _Parasite_! And what a great parallel to draw. We will circle back to discuss the way wealth is portrayed in the novel later in the lesson. Thank you Tallie. Anybody else? Jess? What did you think?” 

“I thought the male characters were all reprehensible. The narrator tries to paint himself as a nice guy when two minutes after meeting a New York socialite he decides he’s going to break it off with his fiance back home.” Jess Pava says passionately. 

“And he is the reason why Gatsby got killed off, instead of warning his friend he was in trouble he just stayed quiet. And we’re all just supposed to buy him as this nice guy? Give me a break.” 

Rey nods, “Unreliable Narrator. Love it. Brilliant insight.” 

Kris Shadbuck pipes up. “I don’t really get it. I thought Gatsby came across like an idiot. He spends all his time obsessing over this shallow and vapid girl he dated for like, a month? He goes into a life of crime for money so he can afford to throw these insane parties hoping Daisy will come to one of them so they can meet again? Why doesn’t he just...like...write her a letter, saying ‘ _Hey, I’m rich now!_ ’”

The class chuckles at this. 

Voe Verity chimes in, “He’s exactly like all those other weak-willed male characters that lets an obsession over a woman that they have placed on a pedestal drive them into an early grave. They think possessing that woman is going to be what finally completes them. And yet we’re all supposed to feel sad for him?”

Rey gives Voe a small smile, “You didn’t feel sorry for him then, not even a little?”

Voe is sitting at the desk right in front of him but she doesn’t even glance in his direction. 

“Well no, not really.” Voe replies, “He didn’t even really know her. He gave up his entire life chasing and obsessing after an ideal of a woman.” 

Ben can’t stand it anymore, he doesn't usually volunteer to talk in class but he hates the way Rey is acting like he’s invisible to her. 

“You’re missing the point.” Ben interjects loudly, contented when the class, including Rey, turns to stare at him. 

“It wasn’t wrong for Gatsby to let his obsession with Daisy drive him to success. His ambition is all our ambition. We’re all driven by a need for something. Whether it is respect, security or love. It’s not Gatsby’s fault that Daisy turned out to be unworthy of his love. 

His eyes meet Rey’s, willing her to understand his next words are for her ears only. “His love gave him hope, it drove him to be a man he thought society could accept as her equal. 

“It takes courage to do what he did. To give everything up for love. Gatsby deserves our respect. If he’d had someone good and worthy of his love waiting for him. Their story would have ended differently.”

Rey stares at him for a beat too long and then quickly averts her eyes, “Very impassioned defence Ben. Anyone else have any thoughts?”

Voe turns in her seat to smirk at him, “Trust you to empathize with a criminal Solo.” She says pointedly. 

The class titters while Rey looks confused. 

Ben glares back at Voe. She’s smarting at his comment that she’d missed the point of the novel. She’s always been competitive with him, ever since they were in grade school. 

Most of the kids in his year knew that he and Jyn Erso had been dealing and engaging in academic misconduct even if Leia and Holdo had tried their best to sweep it under the rug. Voe hated the fact that Ben had gotten away with what he had done and never refused an opportunity to remind him of it. 

Rey clears her throat to draw the attention back to her and Voe turns around to face the front of the classroom once more. 

When the bell rings signalling the end of the period, Ben takes his time packing his things away into his bag. 

He doesn’t know what he wants to say to her. He just misses her. He's even willing to ask her questions about the book if it means he gets to interact with her for a few minutes. 

She doesn’t look up when he approaches her desk and instead she focuses on typing something on her laptop. The silence drags on for too long. Her face is stony with her pretty, pink mouth drawn in a tight line, and it slowly dawns on him that she’s not just ignoring him, she’s angry with him.

Ben glances at the open door of the classroom. “Miss Niima?”

“Did you have a question about the class?” She asks tersely, still refusing to look at him.

He’s been a witness to his parents’ fights his whole life. He was familiar with the signs of Leia’s displeasure with his father. Terse silences and the passive-aggressive push and pull that could build up over days before culminating in an explosive blow-out. 

So instead of leaving Rey alone to stew and the resentment to build, he asks bluntly, “Why are you angry with me?”

She stops typing, then she takes a deep breath. “You told me you could get the material for the windows for fifty dollars.”

“Yeah?” Ben says cautiously.

“The structural engineer came to my house on the weekend. He saw the windows. He said the glass you used was double glazed. And he said the wood was high quality timber.”

_Ah._

“I wasn’t lying when I said I could get materials for fifty,” Ben explains, “But when I went to pick the stuff up...I just wanted to get better materials, otherwise the new windows would have looked out of place in your house and you would have had to replace them again. Especially if we have the same kind of storms this year as we did last Fall.”

This explanation does not appear to placate her. 

“I was _so stupid_ , I just assumed that you knew a supplier who could give it to you cheap. Tell me how much it cost. I’m going to pay you back.”

He shakes his head. “It’s no big deal. You have other things to worry about now, what did the engineer say-”

“Maybe it’s not a big deal to you.” Rey interrupts him, his stomach churns at the ice-cold tone of her voice. “The engineer told me how much double glazed glass actually sells for. You should have been honest with me. We would have worked something out.”

“If I had told you, you would have chosen the cheaper option - ,” 

“And it would have been _my_ choice.” She gives him a level stare, “I’ve never had to rely on anyone to take care of me. I take care of myself. I know what is best for me.” 

Ben opens his mouth to respond but her next class is already starting to file into the room. Rey doesn’t look at him as she says, “You better go.” 

Ben leaves feeling confused and chastised. 

He’d seen Rey raging and lashing out at him, seen her holding back her fury when she found Snoke accosting him in the hallways, but never had he seen her like this. She’d looked at him as if she was looking right through him, like he didn’t exist. 

If he had gotten the most basic materials like he originally planned she’d have to waste money repairing them again later on. 

If he had told her the price of what the windows had actually cost then she would have told him to forget about it and she’d have to go through the fall and the winter freezing in that huge house with the windows all boarded up. 

Ben had been driven by an impulse to take care of her. She worked so hard on that house that had given so little back to her in return. He had plenty of money in his savings account. Not just profits of his and Jyn’s ill-gotten gains, his grandparents had bequeathed him a fortune held in a trust fund that he had gained access to earlier that year when he turned eighteen. There was also the money he was being paid from his job at the hardware store that he had no use for. 

He didn’t need any of that money, and he only wanted to take one thing off her overloaded plate and give her a small peace of mind. 

Rey was _so angry_ with him now. And he has no clue how to fix it. 

  
  
  


***

The rain doesn’t let up all week. 

For some reason on Friday he allows Beaumont to cajole him into joining the other senior boys for a round of basketball in the gym during a free period. 

He’s bleary eyed and his head feels like it's filled with cotton wool from lack of sleep the past few nights and it feels good to run around and focus on something innocuous like a basketball game. 

Until he sees her that is. 

She walks into the gym with Dameron and Mr. Storm. She’s wearing a pair of cute, grey high-heeled ankle boots and skirt that draws attention to her lithe, toned legs. The deep green blouse she has on brings out the green in her eyes. She is so beautiful that Ben forgets he is supposed to be shadowing Cole who manages to score a point while he is distracted. 

“Hey, Solo, c’mon.” Hennix complains. 

Ben tries to tear his eyes away from Rey, but she’s talking animatedly to Dameron, her eyes sparkling with mirth. He watches as Dameron leans over into her space and says something to make her light up with laughter and it makes him wish that he had totaled the bastard’s car last Christmas instead of just leaving a couple of scratches on it. 

He looks away and tries to focus on the game. Judging from the alarmed looks Hennix and the other players are giving him, his face is probably arranged in a fearsome scowl for the rest of the quarter. 

When they break to catch their breaths, he forces himself to not look over at Rey while he guzzles water from his water bottle but he can’t help overhearing Peter Meeko say to Beau, “I think they’re fucking.”

“Why?”

“Last night I drove past the school and there were two cars left in the parking lot - Dameron and Miss Niima.”

Beau snorts dismissively, “That doesn't mean anything.”

“Come on, look at her, she’s all over him. I see them together all the time. She’s probably putting the moves on him, that’s why she’s in that little skirt. Hoping he’ll bend her over his desk after classes are finished today. 

Peter adopts a breathy, high-pitched, English accent, “Oh yes, yes! Rail me, rail me Mr. Dameron! I’m so hot for your cock!”

“Meeko.” Ben snaps, “How about you shut the fuck up?”

Peter turns to frown at him. “What? What’s your problem Solo? You forget to take your pills today?”

Peter Meeko had been one the assholes who had made his life a living hell before his junior year. Shoving him into his locker, calling him names and one of the chief reasons why Ben had sought refuge during his lunch periods in Rey’s classroom. 

Now, Ben straightens to his full height so he can tower over this little weasel and snarl, “You’re my fucking problem you disrepectful piece of shit. Not a single girl you know wants anything to do with you so you have to spread lies about women to make yourself feel more like a man?”

Peter jerks as if to launch himself towards Ben but the other boys are quickly diffusing the tension and pulling them apart to resume the game. 

But Peter is a bully and insecure prick, and he doesn't like to be reminded of that fact.

He takes every opportunity to shove and try to trip Ben up while he’s running. 

After one particular rough shove that nearly sends Ben sprawling, he doesn’t even hesitate, he spins around and throws his fist right into Peter Meeko’s smug, overbred face and gets a savage satisfaction when he feels something crack. 

  
  


***

He’s lying on his bed with his headphones on when his Mom finds him. 

She’s pushing a rolly suitcase and something inside him aches to see his mother looking so weary. 

She looms large in his mind; a tyrant ruling over her kingdom of which he is but one of her lowly subjects. But in the doorway of his dark bedroom she just looks small and tired. 

She gestures at him to turn down the volume on his headphones which he does. 

“You’re grounded.” She informs him. 

Ben nods in agreement, staring up at his ceiling. 

“You’re not to leave the house unless it's for work, school, or counseling. I’m not going to be around to enforce it this weekend but I expect you to still follow the rules.” 

He doesn’t respond. It’s the most words she’s said to him all week. 

“There’s plenty of food in the fridge. I defrosted a casserole for your dinner tonight.” She lingers, as if she’s not ready to leave. “Jyn isn’t to come here anymore. If you still insist on socializing with her then I can’t stop you. But you can see her outside the house when you’re not grounded anymore.” 

He hadn’t known Jyn would go and make a scene at Leia’s dinner party. He hadn’t brought her over on purpose to upset his Mom. But Ben only nods again. 

She hesitates in his doorway. When she speaks again, her tone is gentler and conciliatory. “Ben, I know it’s been a rough couple of months for you. It’s been difficult for me too. I was thinking, during Christmas Break, why don’t we go on a holiday, just the two of us? 

“We could go anywhere you wanted, but I was thinking about that hotel we went to in the Keys when you were twelve, remember? You loved going snorkeling and playing on the private beach. Your dad always wanted us to go back there as a family again.” 

Ben feels his chest tightening with emotion. Resentment and bitterness well up in him. They hadn’t gone on a family holiday in years. Summer vacations were always him being sent away to Luke so she and Dad could enjoy time together on their own.

Dad was the one who took him with him on vacations. He was the one who actually wanted to spend time with him. He’d been a senior pilot with his airline which meant he was entitled to purchase un flight tickets basically for free. Han used to pull him out of school as a surprise for a few days and take him with him to New York, Montreal, London, and Hawaii. 

Never his Mom though. She had always been too busy for her problem child. 

_Wouldn’t you rather go on a holiday with one of your friends?_ He wants to ask. _Or maybe your other son, Poe, should go with you. You always did prefer his company over mine anyways._

Ben doesn’t say any of this though. 

It’s not Leia’s fault her husband suddenly died and left her with a son she doesn’t know what to do with. He can see her trying to make an effort, even if it’s taken her eighteen years to do so. 

But he’s also a selfish, petty asshole, and there’s a streak of cruelty running through him that stops him from giving her a response to the olive branch she is extending to him. So, Ben says nothing and eventually, she leaves quietly. 

***

He takes an extra shift on Saturday afternoon to alleviate his boredom. There’s nothing but schoolwork to keep his mind occupied at home. 

It doesn’t help. 

The store is quiet and Chewie gives him the mind-numbing task of stock-taking the items in aisle six. 

His mind inevitably turns to Rey, wondering if she’s still going to be angry with him come Monday. He debates with himself whether or not he should try and talk to her on Monday while he works when he suddenly sees her talking to Angela at the customer service counter as if he’d conjured her from his thoughts. 

He doesn’t approach her though, he doesn’t think she’ll appreciate it. And he doesn’t know what he would say to her. Not in public anyways. 

He can imagine what he would do if he managed to get her somewhere private. 

He would fall to his knees at her feet and beg her to explain her anger at him. He'd listen, he’d own the charges and he’d promise to never to do it again. He’d press his mouth against her delicate ankles in supplication, kiss his way up her slim legs, and suck bruises onto the soft skin of her thighs until she was making those sweet, needy, little noises, begging him to make her come again with his mouth on her swollen clit - 

“Hey, Angela,” He says, once Rey has left, making a valiant attempt to sound casual and not-at- all like a creepy stalker. “What did that last customer want?” 

“She hired some acrow-props,” Angela says, “But she doesn’t have a trailer so she said she’s going to borrow a friend’s car and come back and pick them up tomorrow.” 

Ben frowns in concern, looking outside at the grey skies. 

It’d been raining all week. 

Acrow-props were adjustable steel props that were used to support ceilings and walls during construction. The engineering report must not have come back with good news about the wood rot. 

Rey probably needed those props to ensure the structure of the house was safe while she figured out what to do about the house. 

But as Ben mulling this over, there’s a loud boom of thunder from overhead and the sound of the skies opening and raining pouring down from the heavens above. 

Ben thinks of the roof that he had been working on before Rey’s birthday. He’d left one section unfinished and covered under a tarp. 

That fucking nightmare house already looked like it was barely holding itself up. The tarp would be long gone. Now he imagined all the water that must have pooled into the attic by now creating a domino effect, weakening the already compromised timber in the house. 

All it would take was one strong gust of wind and the ceiling and roof could cave in on Rey while she slept in her tiny bedroom at the back of the house. 

“Shit,” he says, panicked, he leaves a confused Angela at the counter to go speak to Chewie.

***

Chewie doesn’t exactly see the situation as urgently as he does, but he shrugs and lets Ben off his shift a half-hour early and lets him borrow his truck to load it up with the steel props. 

Leia must have informed him about Ben being grounded so he growls at Ben to go straight home after dropping the props off at Rey’s house. 

It’s almost seven o’clock by the time he pulls up in Chewie’s truck outside Rey’s house. 

The raining is still beating down and he’s soaked to the bone just from sprinting from the car to her front porch.

She swings open the door and the words he had prepared dies in his throat. 

She stares back at him in surprise. He’s used to seeing her in the cute quirky outfits she wears to school. Over the summer he’d gotten used to seeing her in shirts and shorts. 

Tonight, she is wearing a tight black dress that’s clinging to her body. Her eyes are outlined with smokey eye shadow, her lips are painted bright red and her hair is pulled back from her face to highlight the perfect structure of her jawline and her cheekbones. The dress has a slit in it to expose a fuckload of thigh and the black stilettos on her feet shows off her legs to maximum effect. 

Ben just stares at her, dumbstruck. 

“Ben? What are you doing here?”

“I…,” he snaps out of his trance, “The props. I bought them over for you in Chewie’s truck.” 

“Oh.” She steps back to let him in. As soon as he steps over the threshold the rain which had been pouring down comes abruptly to a stop. 

Now he just feels foolish for rushing over to see her uninvited. 

“I was worried about the wind and the rain,” he says lamely, “If you needed props then I thought you should have them so you can put them up sooner than later.” 

He’s dripping water all over her foyer and she looks like she’s just stepped out of the pages of a glossy magazine. 

She’s never felt more out of reach to him than in this moment, looking polished with her perfect make-up and skin-tight dress. Even if she’s just standing a meter away from him; the weary look on her face makes him feel like there’s a barrier of ice between the two of them. 

“Okay,” She says hesitantly, “Thank you. If you don’t mind bringing them up and leaving them on the front porch, I’ll get them set up tomorrow.” 

“I can do it, tonight.” He offers, “While you’re...out.” he gestures at her dress. “You look beautiful, by the way.” 

The compliment has an unintended effect. Her jaw tightens and her little body tenses. “I’ll be fine. I’ll get it done tomorrow morning.” 

“Rey, look, I just wanted to help you.” The words burst out of him without warning. 

He keeps talking even while her face turns stonier with each word barrelling out of his lips. 

“I didn’t tell you about the cost of the windows because I didn’t want you to have one more thing to have to worry about. I just wanted to give you some good reliable windows for your house. I didn’t think it would upset you, I’m sorry.”

“Are you actually sorry for what you did or are you just sorry because I’m angry?” She asks, studying his face. 

Ben scowls, confused and a little agitated. He’d apologized already hadn't he? Why wasn’t she letting this go?

“What’s the difference?” He demands.

“ _Because if you were actually sorry you would understand that I can’t do this with you!_ ” She explodes. 

“I’ve already told you why I can’t be with you, but you’re still not giving up! You’re clinging onto hope that I’ll change my mind when I’ve told you how badly being in a relationship with you would fuck up my life!”

“What do you want me to apologize for, for being in love with you?” Ben asks hotly. “I’m not going to apologize for fighting for you. Not when I know you want me as badly as I want you.”

“No I don't.”

He can feel his heart stop and his stomach drop at her words.

She’s never said that to him before. She’d told him the reasons they couldn’t be together. She’d told him he was confused over his feelings for her. 

She’d never told him she didn’t want him.

“You don’t mean that.” He says shakily. 

“If I wanted you as badly as you want me, wouldn’t I be fighting for it like you are?” She asks, her voice trembling a little, as if she’s having trouble getting the words out. 

“You said that I couldn’t see this thing between us going anywhere because I was frightened. What if you’re so obsessed with this idea of the two of us being together, you haven’t even considered that I don't want you the same way you want me?”

Ben can’t speak for a moment. When he does, his voice is rough and filled with barely suppressed rage. “Who do you want then? Someone like Dameron?”

She stares at him, startled, and when he sees something like guilt flash across her pretty face he sees red. He looks at her over again, taking in the makeup, the dress, and the heels. “Is that where you’re going tonight?” His voice is deadly quiet. “Somewhere with him?”

Rey’s phone in her hand lets out a ping. She looks at the screen. “My Lyft ride is here. I have to go.”

He watches her reach for her black clutch sitting on the table in the foyer, her hands a little unsteady. 

“If you don’t want me the way I want you, then how do you want me?” Ben asks. He feels eerily calm. Like he’s watching himself and Rey standing in the foyer from a faraway distance. 

“Did you just want to use me as your fucktoy? You let me get you off on your birthday and now you want to just throw me away and pretend that it never happened? Like I’m your dirty, disgusting, little secret?”

She turns around, swinging open the front door like she can’t get away from him fast enough. “Go home, Ben.” The door slams shut behind her and he's alone. 

He doesn’t know how long he stands there, dripping water onto her floorboards and staring at the door.

After a while he moves on autopilot, walking to the truck to haul out the steel props and stacking them on her porch. 

It takes a while, his body feels numb and he feels like everything he hears and sees is being projected to him through a long, dark tunnel. 

She doesn't want him.

She found someone better, someone far more suitable for her. 

She wouldn't have to sneak around with Dameron. Neither would she have to wait a year for him to graduate, nor would she have to sacrifice anything so that they could properly be together.

And it's not like he can blame her can he? She’d told him over and over again that they didn’t have a future together. That there couldn’t be. And she’d never made any promises to him. 

Of course she would want him over Ben. He was easygoing and charming. He wasn’t volatile and reckless like Ben. Dameron had been standing by her side making her laugh while Ben had been on the basketball court breaking another student’s nose. 

He was too difficult. That’s what Leia had said to him after his dad’s funeral. 

_You’re too difficult Ben. I don’t know how to get through to you. I never know what to do with you. I never asked for this. I never asked to be a mother._

He wishes he had the strength to be angry. But he just feels tired. 

Once all the steel props are stacked neatly on her porch Ben wonders if he should just go home, he can swap this big empty house for another big empty house. 

_The roof._ He thinks. He needs to prop up the roof at least. In case the rain starts again. 

He tucks a couple of the steel poles underneath each arm and starts to slowly tread up the staircase. 

He should have been paying more attention to the way the wood creaked with each stair that he climbed. 

The added weight of the steel props in his arms was too much for the ancient staircase apparently, because when he’s almost halfway up the staircase the floorboards beneath his feet suddenly give out and he’s falling - 

-and everything goes black. 

  
  
  


*** 

When Ben jerks awake he’s in his own bed. 

He recognizes the smell of his bed sheets and the familiar sounds of cars driving past the open window next to the bed. 

He shifts to roll onto his side and he feels a sharp shooting pain in his left flank that makes him groan. 

Immediately, he feels a pair of cool hands on his face, soothing over his cheeks and his brow. “Ben? Baby? How does your head feel?”

_It’s Rey,_ he thinks groggily. _Rey is here...in his bedroom?_

He opens his eyes with great effort, he is in his bedroom, the room is dark but there’s enough light coming from outside his window to make out her face hovering over him.

“Rey?” He asks, confused. 

“I’m here.” she chokes, “Do you feel okay?”

What is she doing here? He tries to recall what happened but all he can remember is her telling him she doesn't want him. 

There are other flashes, he remembers the feeling of panic, and then falling, the impact and the pain. He’d been in an ambulance? Or a hospital? Perhaps both, he recalls lying on a stretcher and groaning while someone shined a bright light in his eyes. 

He remembers staggering into his house and crawling into the bed and falling into a deep sleep. 

None of this explains why Rey is in his bedroom.

She doesn’t want him. 

She’d said so herself. 

The only one who had ever wanted him was his dad and he was dead.

He stiffens, and then he tries to pull away from her hands. He turns his head away, “Don’t,” he murmurs, “Don’t touch me.”

Her hands fall away, he can feel her body next to him begin to tremble.

“Ben.” She whispers. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean any of it. I just wanted you to stop waiting for me. And then I came home and I saw the stairs and you were just lying there-” she breaks off in a sob and starts to cry in earnest.

“I was so scared. I thought I’d lost you.”

Ben immediately wants to comfort her, fold her into his arms and assure her he was fine, he was here and he would never leave her. 

_No._

No, she told him she didn’t want him. 

She _should_ feel bad. She deserves to feel as shitty as he does. 

He tries to push himself up, he needs to leave, get away from the sound of her tears so he isn’t tempted to give in but he grunts as he pushes himself up, surprised at how much the movement hurts. 

“No, no don’t. Ben, you shouldn’t move too much.” 

He ignores her, swinging his feet over the edge of the bed so he is sitting upright. He stays still, waiting for his body to get used to the pain. 

She is still there, kneeling on the bed next to him. He turns to study her, her face has been scrubbed clean of makeup, her hair is undone and falling in soft waves around her face and she’s not wearing anything except one of his grey t-shirts which drapes over her like a tent.

She’s looking at him anxiously, face still wet with tears. “The doctors said you have bruised ribs and maybe a mild concussion. Thank god you were only halfway up the stairs. It could have been so much worse.” 

He doesn’t respond, he lifts his shirt that reeks of dried sweat and damp rainwater and hospital disinfectant so he can inspect the bruises on his body. As he slowly breathes in and out, he feels his body adjusting and learning to breathe around the pain in his side. 

“Why are you here?” He asks her finally, the words come out sounding harsh in the dark, quiet room. 

She recoils, looking at hurt, and in that moment he hates her. 

He hates her sitting there wearing nothing but his t-shirt like something from one of his wet dreams after telling him she doesn’t want him. 

He also hates her for how badly he still wants her, even now. The pain in his side doesn't feel like anything compared to the impossible burning love he feels for her, the love he _always_ feels for her. 

“You should go.” He says, shortly. “I feel fine. My head doesn’t even hurt.” It’s true, there’s some tenderness, but nothing a few painkillers won’t fix. 

“The...doctor said...someone should stay with you for at least twenty-four hours to make sure you’re okay.” She tells him in a small voice. 

Ben closes his eyes for a moment to draw strength to say the next words. “I don’t _want_ you here, Rey.” He says, through his teeth. “I want you gone.” 

There’s a long silence. 

She doesn’t move. 

When he turns to glare at her she just stares at him, tears falling silently down her beautiful face. 

“You said you’d always want me.” She whispers, plaintively, and it strikes him then, how much she resembles a lost little girl sitting on his bed silently pleading for him to forgive her. 

He swears loudly and tears his eyes away. “You fucking ripped my heart out tonight, Rey.”

“I know,” she says, she shifts closer to him, “I know, I’m sorry. I’m sorry Ben.” 

When he doesn’t move, or say anything else, she reaches out her hand once more, stroking her finger over his cheek, the line of his jaw, the shape of an ear. He feels himself start to vibrate like a tuning fork at her gentle touch. 

“Don’t hate me, please.” She begs. “I know I hurt you. I’m sorry. What...what do I do to make you want me again? Tell me.” 

He can’t bear it, he can’t bear the touch of her on his skin, his hand snaps out with the intention of pushing her hand away, but then at the last moment he grabs her wrist, turning to fix her with a furious glare. 

“I want you to be _mine_.” He snarls, staring hard at her face, daring her to refuse him, “I want you to admit that I own you, just like you own me. You want my forgiveness? Say it. The truth. The truth you know but you’ve just hidden it deep inside. Say it out loud, go on.” 

She’s breathing hard, her mouth open and her eyes wide as he tightens his grip on her wrist, hauling her in closer to him. 

“Go on, say it.” He taunts her, breathing hard, the anger and lust and hurt she had inflicted on him earlier making him cruel. “Say it, or get the fuck out of my room.” 

She swallows nervously, staring at his face, her other hand reaching out slowly to pet his hair and his face as if he’s a beast she can soothe with her touch. 

He’s breathing hard, almost panting with fear and adrenaline, barely daring to hope as he waits to see what she’ll do next. 

“I belong to you,” she says, quietly. 

His heart nearly stops beating. 

He stares at her, scarcely believing what he’s hearing, wondering how far she’ll let him push her before she gets scared and runs away from him again. 

He reaches out with the hand that’s not gripping her wrist, fisting it in the material of the shirt she’s wearing. “That doesn't belong to you.” He says, trying to inject as much menace into his voice as possible, “Take it off.” 

She hesitates, he waits, thinking and dreading that this will be the moment when she turns tail and runs, but when she reaches for the hem of his shirt, he releases her wrist so she can use both hands to draw the shirt up and over her head. 

She drops the shirt on his floor, and she waits. Kneeling on his bed, naked save for a tiny lace thong, she stares at him, needy and trembling, her face still stained with her tears. 

He gets to his feet slowly, moving like he’s underwater. He shucks his shirt, throwing it into a dark corner, he undoes his jeans, wincing a little when he has to bend and push them to the ground along with his briefs. 

He watches her eyes roam greedily over his body, his shoulders, his chest, his bruised ribs, and, finally coming to rest his cock, hard and throbbing against his stomach. 

_You want this_ . He thinks. _Almost as much as I do._

“Lie back.” 

She does, spreading her thighs for him without him having to ask. He kneels at the foot of the bed ignoring the twinge of pain at the movement; she lifts her hips for him obediently when he pulls the thong down her hips and thighs and tosses the tiny scrap of material aside. 

He still feels like he is dreaming when he pushes two fingers between the pretty pink folds of her sex and they glide inside without resistance, the wet sound her pussy makes as he pushes inside is obscenely filthy in the otherwise silent room. 

She’s mostly quiet while he fucks her gently with his fingers save for the tiny little gasps and whimpers she makes as she gets closer to the edge.

He’s not going to let her though. 

He doesn’t want her to come yet. He wants her pussy soft and wet so she can take his cock inside. He takes his fingers away and she moans plaintively so he puts his hand instinctively on her stomach to soothe her, his wet fingers leaving a glistening trail on her belly. 

He reaches into his bedside drawer for the bottle of lube he keeps there, coating his fingers generously before pushing them back inside her. 

They’re both quiet, breathing heavily while they listen to the slick sounds of his fingers fucking her, stretching her, making room for him. 

She makes a soft little whine of protest when he finally manages to push three fingers inside, her hips undulate and jerk, chasing the thrusts of his fingers as she tries to get used to the sensation. 

“Rey,” his voice, hoarse and tinged with desperation, “This is mine. It belongs to me. Do you know that? Tell me you know that.” 

He doesn’t know if she hears him, she’s close to coming, he can feel it in the fluttering of her cunt, the rolling movements of her hips become jerkier, her breath is coming out faster so he pulls his fingers out again, moving up the bed so he is covering her with his body. He bites and sucks at her tits while rubbing and teasing her clit with his slickened fingers. 

“Tell me again, Rey, who do you belong to? Who does this little pussy belong to?” He demands, feeling like he’s becoming unhinged while she moans beneath him. 

“You,” she whispers, breathlessly. “It's yours, Ben. Only yours.” 

He rears back, pushing her thighs apart impatiently, making space for himself. “I’ve thought about this so many times, in my dreams I’ve had you in every way a man can have a woman. Have you thought about it?” He asks, slipping a finger back inside just to tease her. “Have you thought about taking my cock inside here? Inside this tight little space?” 

“ _Yes_ ,” she says, her face is a mirror of his own, filled with a terrible, burning desire. “Yes, please I want it. Ben, I want it, please. Please.” 

He’s not going to last, he knows it the moment the tip of his cock kisses her slippery folds. He’s never had sex without a condom before, and this is _Rey._

She’s panting and gasping underneath him while he works himself inside slowly. One hand is pulling and tugging at his hair while the other is clutching at his back, she makes a soft little sound every time he gains an inch and she’s so fucking _hot and tight-_

The first thrust makes them both cry out like they’re in pain. 

“Ah - Ben!” She chokes, her fingernails dig into his back and the pain makes his cock twitch. 

She’s _so tight, and so wet,_ his thrusts quickly grow rough and uneven and he’d be embarrassed at the artless way he is fucking into her, but she’s making it so hard to hold onto any semblance of control when she keeps moaning his name and jerking her hips like that- 

He comes. 

It happens without warning and all he can do is tense while his hands fly down to grab hold of her hips so hard he’s probably leaving bruises but she keeps gasping and moving her hips and her cunt is fluttering around his cock. He just wants to keep her still so he can keep fucking her hard and deep while he’s coming inside her. 

When he comes back to earth he’s lying on top of her, sweating and sucking air into his lungs like he’s just finished a marathon. 

She’s making soft little noises of distress, her inner muscles clenching and unclenching around him where he’s still buried inside her. 

“Ben,” she whispers, her hands keep moving up and down his back like she doesn’t know where to put her hands, “Ben, can you-,” her hips shift restlessly beneath his, “I need to come. I really, really need to come.” 

“I know, I know,” Somehow, he manages to push himself up by his arms. His limbs feel weak and he’s quivering like a newborn fawn. He shifts and buries his face into her neck, he reaches down blindly, pushing one of her thighs down onto the bed to sink deeper into her.

“ _Oh_ ,” she gasps, surprised. “You’re still-” 

He grits his teeth and concentrates on fucking her, she’s completely soaked from her own juices, lube, and his come, and soon the room is filled with the sound of the lewd, wet sound of their sex and her sweet moans. 

Ben can feel the pressure building again at the base of his spine, she’s so close, he can feel her pulsing around him, her hips snapping more desperately against his own. 

When she comes she pulls him with her. He bucks desperately into her like an animal, the primal part of his brain whites out with pleasure as he fills her to the brim with his come for the second time that night, marking her as his own. 

They lay together in the aftermath, sucking air into their lungs like survivors of a shipwreck. 

Ben can’t move, he falls asleep before the sweat on his body has a chance to cool. At some point he’s pulled from his sleep when he feels Rey get out of his bed, he reaches for her sleepily, trying to stop her from leaving him. 

“I need to use the bathroom,” she whispers. 

He lets her go. 

That's how it happened last time as well. He recalls. He’d fallen asleep and she’d left to use the bathroom. He’d woken up alone on the couch in the morning with a text message from her asking him to please not come to her house. 

He lies there in the dark; body drawn tight like a bow. 

When she climbs back into bed a few minutes later, Ben feels weakened and dizzy with relief, he pulls her in closer to his body, trapping her in his arms, nuzzling her neck. 

“Don’t leave me in the morning.” He whispers into her skin. “Don’t push me away again.” 

She doesn't say yes, but she threads her fingers through his and squeezes his hand and it feels sort of like a promise. 

He closes his eyes and drifts off to sleep. 

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry! I'm so behind on replying to comments! I'll try get to them this week! Please do consider leaving me a comment if you enjoyed this chapter. They give me fuel. 
> 
> I am [@MindyCakes](https://twitter.com/mindycakes)on Twitter and @wantisamlindyla on Tumblr. Come say hi!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really really struggled with this chapter and I am so relieved to finally be able to post it! Hope you guys enjoy it!
> 
> Again, many thanks to Kris for beta-ing this chapter. She's literally the best. <3

**Chapter 8**

_Every teacher in school that day says congratulations to her in class._

_It’s strange to be getting so much attention. The other students, however, continue to ignore her, as they always have._

_She arrives home after school precisely at three forty-five in the afternoon. Mama is waiting for her and they both walk up the street to the church and spend the afternoon helping the Pastor and his wife sorting and folding the clothes that the church received from its recent donation drive for collecting winter coats for the homeless._

_“You must be very grateful,” the Pastor’s wife says to her as they work, “to be taken in by your Mama and Papa into their loving Christian home. Not everyone is as kind and good as they are.”_

_Her Mama preens at the praise and the conversation turns to the poor, hopeless souls who will be lucky enough to benefit from the church’s generosity as the weather starts to turn bitter and cold._

_They walk home and Rey helps her mother prepare dinner._

_Papa comes home and Rey hurries to wash and tidy herself before they all sit down at the tiny table in the kitchen. Mama says grace and then Papa and Mama fill their plates first before it’s Rey’s turn._

_She waits for an opportune time to speak. Papa recounts his day at work, and then Mama complains about the fact that she and Rey had been the only people who had gone to the church to help today and casts her stern judgment on various members of the congregation. After that there is a lull in the conversation._

_“I won an essay writing contest.” Rey says, breaking the silence. “My English teacher submitted my essay for me and I won the first prize. There’s a prize of two hundred pounds.”_

_“What essay?” Her mother asks suspiciously, “You never mentioned this before.”_

_“I wrote a personal essay for class about Jane Eyre and why I loved the book. Mrs. Tate asked me if she could submit it for me and she told me today I won first prize.”_

_There is some silence before Papa says finally, “That is a very good achievement, Rey. Well done.”_

_“There’s a ceremony in Oxford in a months’ time. On Sunday. For the contest winners and their families.” Rey says, hopefully._

_It’s a mistake of course. Her tone is overly eager and Mama’s eyes narrow._

_“Oxford? We cannot go to Oxford next month. It is a busy time at church. We have to do our part. Give our time to those more in need than us.”_

_“It’s...just an afternoon.” Rey says in a small voice, but her heart is sinking and Papa doesn’t look up from his plate._

_“It is a waste of time, Rey.” Mama says, briskly. “This ceremony will not help others, it will only help you. Your vanity is a sin, child. And you should be dedicating more of your time to those in need rather than thinking of yourself.”_

_Rey says nothing. She’d allowed herself to hope; she thought they’d be pleased and delighted with her small achievement...but that had been her mistake._

_She gazes down at her plate in silence._

_She pushes back from the table and stands to take her empty plate and cutlery to the sink._

_Emotions are rising up in her until they are spilling out in silent tears that she tries to hide as she washes her own dish...grief and anger and that familiar, persistent craving: that hurting, desperate need for love._

_She leaves the kitchen silently and retreats to her room._

_***_

Rey doesn’t sleep. 

Ben’s arm is wrapped possessively around her waist even in his sleep and she can feel his soft exhalations on the back of her neck. 

She lies there in the darkness of his bedroom while she replays the events of the evening; turning over conversations in her mind and asking herself whether there was any other course that wouldn’t have led her to this moment. 

She’d tried. She’d really tried to push Ben away. 

She’d been so furious and humiliated when the structural engineer had informed her Ben had probably spent at least two to three hundred dollars on each of her windows. Four times what he had said it would cost. He’d lied to her on purpose and then he’d tried to justify it by saying she would have refused his offer of assistance if she had known the truth. He’d made her feel like some charity case and it had infuriated and devastated her in equal measure. 

The next day, Poe had mentioned that he had a friend who was performing in Madam Butterfly and asked her casually during lunch in front of Finn and Rose whether she wanted to go with him since he had been gifted with two tickets. 

He’d taken her rejection of his dinner invitation with grace and good humor and she’d thought it was the end of that. However, this invitation had come out of nowhere and he had asked her in front of her friends as if it didn’t mean anything, as if he was obligated to attend and he just needed a friend to go to the Opera with him. 

Rose had chimed in immediately, “That’s perfect, Rey. You were just telling me you didn’t have any plans on Friday night,” and had effectively taken away any viable excuses she could have made up to decline the invitation. 

So Rey had agreed but once she was alone with Finn and Rose she’d rounded on Rose furiously, “I already told you I’m not interested,” she’d snapped at her best friend. “He’s a colleague. He works with us!” 

Rose had given her a long, suffering look. “Rey, he’s smart, he’s funny, he’s _hot as hell,_ what do you have against him? He’s the school counsellor. He’s not in your department, he’s not a teacher, and he’s not your supervisor. Give me one good reason why you’re not jumping on him.” 

“There’s no chemistry.” Rey had shot back. 

“You aren’t even giving him a chance,” Rose had replied, “You put up this wall the moment you met him and kept him at arms’ length. Just go to the Opera and spend some time chatting during the intermission and get to know him a little. There’s no harm in it.” 

Rose had then given Finn a _look,_ which had prompted Finn to say to Rey, “We just want what’s best for you, Peanut. We want you to get out and have some fun. Poe’s an awesome guy.” Finn had said sincerely, “You need someone that makes you laugh, someone to have fun with.” 

“You play it too safe, Rey.” Rose had added. “We just want you to be happy and we think Poe would make you happy if you just gave him a chance.”

It had been blindingly obvious the two of them were in agreement on the issue, worse, like they’d planned their little pep talk. 

The thought of the two people closest to her in the whole world discussing behind her back how lonely and pitiful she was had been altogether too much for her to take. 

“Everyone seems to think they know me what’s best for me. What I need and what I want, but nobody does. But _I_ am the only one who knows what’s best for me.” Rey had replied coldly. 

Then she had turned on her heel and left them both behind in the hallway. 

Ben had turned up on her doorstep on the worst possible night just as she was getting ready to leave the house to meet Poe at the Opera House. 

He’d shown up without warning, soaked from the rain with a truckload of posts to help her without her having asked for his assistance. 

She’d been so angry and so wracked with longing for him she’d done the only thing she could think of to push him away; she’d lied to his face and told him she didn’t want him in the hopes it would put the matter to rest. 

Only...the way his body had turned to stone, the shattered expression on his face had sent her running for the door. 

_It was for the best,_ Rey had tried to tell herself. She’d spent the entire night with her stomach tied up in knots. She’d tried to ease the stabbing sensation of guilt by reassuring herself that it had been the right decision. That it was the only decision she really had. 

She’d been pale, wan, and withdrawn the entire evening. She’d barely noticed how handsome Poe looked in his black suit and tie. She had made excuses that she was feeling under the weather. Poe had taken pity on her and escorted her outside and called her a cab during the intermission. 

She’d come home to find Chewie’s truck still parked in her driveway. Steeling herself for another confrontation, she’d opened the front door and the first thing she had noticed was a gaping whole in the staircase; the second had been Ben...lying there buried under a heap of ruined timber and still as death- 

She starts trembling again. There’d been blood on his forehead and when she had cried out and shook him and begged him to wake up he’d just….lain there.

Rey reaches down to touch the large hand resting on her stomach just to reassure herself he was there. 

Maybe it all went wrong after she’d brought Ben home from the hospital. She’d called Leia from the hospital in a panic. Leia was in San Jose for the week. Leia had tried to contact Chewie to ask him to go to the hospital to keep Rey company but Chewie hadn’t answered when Leia called his house. 

After being discharged and being helped into a taxi by two orderlies, Rey had been worried she wouldn’t be able to get him into the house on her own. Luckily Ben had managed to regain consciousness enough to stagger up the stairs and into his bedroom. 

Rey could have left the room, she should have, but instead, she’d taken off her dress, streaked with dirt and dust, stepped out of her heels, thrown on one of his t-shirts and crawled into bed with him. 

What had she expected to happen? 

She hadn’t been thinking straight. She’d been thinking of how frightened and alone she had been, sitting in the waiting room of the emergency ward. 

The last time she’d been in a hospital had been in London when she was fifteen and Papa had been admitted to hospital. His liver was failing and he only had days, maybe a week left to live. Mercifully, he’d died only a day later; falling into unconsciousness while Rey and Mama sat stoically by his bedside. 

He’d died peacefully and a few months later Rey had gone back to Maz’s while she waited again for a new home because Mama had informed her emotionlessly that she couldn’t raise her on her own. 

Nothing was safe. That’s what she had told Ben. That’s what life had taught her. Everything could change at a moment’s notice. 

People left and there was nothing anybody could do to stop it. 

But tonight...on the way to the hospital in the ambulance, sitting silently in the waiting room, all she’d felt was regret. Overwhelming regret and grief. 

Rey stared into the darkness of Ben’s bedroom, wondering how her decision to push Ben away could have been the correct thing to do if it made her feel so wretched? 

And if pushing him away had been the wrong thing to do, then where did that leave her now? 

  
  


***

Around seven o’clock, Rey resigns to herself that she won’t be getting any sleep and drags her body out of the bed. 

She takes a long hot shower and tries to let the warm water loosen her aching muscles, although she suspects she’ll have to take advice from one of Ben’s previous paramours and apply a cold compress to soothe the ache between her legs. 

She feels bruised and sore. No surprise, given that it’s been years since she had sex. 

Ben is _big_ and he’d been too impassioned and eager to be gentle with her last night. 

Not that she can blame him. It’s not like Rey had been any less eager. She hadn’t even thought to ask him to put on a condom.

She’ll need to get a morning after pill.

She leans her forehead against the bathroom tiles and exhales a long and unsteady breath. 

Rey had thought she knew the kind of person that she was. Someone who knew right from wrong. 

But she’d had sex with an eighteen-year-old high school student without protection and let said eighteen-year-old come inside her. Twice. 

And she’s still not sure what that means; did that make her a terrible person? 

Because she doesn’t regret it. 

Not even a little. 

  
  


*** 

Rey checks her phone while she is towel drying her hair and it immediately starts to vibrate with an incoming call. 

“Hello?” Rey croaks, then clears her throat to try again. “Leia?”

“Rey, how are you going?” Leia’s voice is so warm and loving. Guilt: awful, terrible guilt immediately starts to bubble inside her. 

“Fine,” Rey replies, “I’m fine.” 

“Do you think I should come home? The conference is going to go all week, and if Ben’s unwell I should really be there for him.” 

Rey is too tired to really come up with any sort of coherent response so she just suggests that maybe Leia should wait to talk to him when he wakes up to see how he is feeling before booking any flights home. 

“I hope you managed to get some sleep last night, Rey. Was the guest bedroom alright?” 

“Oh, it was fine. I managed to get a few hours in.” Rey lies. She wraps her towel around her body and leaves the bathroom. She starts opening doors peeking inside the rooms until she finds a room a few doors down from the bathroom that is sparsely furnished and covered in plain white linen sheets. She starts pulling back the bedsheets, rumpling the pillows to make it look like it had been slept in. 

“I finally managed to get through to Chewie. Honestly, that man needs to join us in this century and get himself a cell phone. He was at his girlfriend’s house all night, that’s why I couldn’t get to him on his landline. Anyways, he said he’ll be at the house soon,” Leia is saying, “You should go home and get some rest, you must be exhausted. I can’t thank you enough for staying with Ben last night.” 

Rey closes her eyes, her guilt has grown into a creature with teeth which it is using to gnaw at her flesh from the inside. 

“There’s no need to thank me,” Rey says, quietly. “He wouldn’t have been hurt if he hadn’t been in my house trying to help. It’s my fault he’s hurt.” 

“It was an accident,” Leia says, soothingly. “I better go Rey, the speaker for this seminar has just arrived. We’ll talk soon. Please remind Ben to call me when he wakes.” 

“Sure. Will do.” Rey replies, woodenly as the call ends. 

She takes her time blow-drying her hair, staring at herself in the mirror as if her reflection is going to give her the answer to a question that she needs answered. 

But it’s just her in the mirror staring back out at her. 

Ben is already awake when she enters his room again. He's lying on his back, looking up at the ceiling. 

He turns to look at the door at her entrance and their eyes meet. 

“Chewie’s coming over.” Rey blurts out. “And your mom said she wants to come home early. 

“I already spoke to Chewie.” Ben replies, and she notices his phone in his hands. “I told him that I’m fine, just a little scratched up. He said he’ll swing by tonight after work.” 

“Oh, okay.” She says lamely. She sits down on the edge of his bed with her back to him, hugging the towel tighter around herself. 

Neither of them speak for a moment. 

Then she hears a rustle of bedsheets, there’s a sharp intake of breath as he sits up in bed. 

Rey turns to see him wincing. “How do you feel?” She asks, anxiously. The skin on his left flank is covered with nasty blue black bruises. 

“It’s fine,” he grunts, “It’s not as bad as that time I got sacked right before halftime playing against Geonosis High.” 

He moves slowly, getting out of bed and out of the bedroom. She hears the sounds of water and surmises he’s taking a shower. 

Rey just sits there wondering what comes next. 

This is so awkward. 

She wonders if he wants her to leave. _Maybe he got in the shower so he doesn’t have to talk to me. Maybe he is waiting for me to leave?_

But she doesn’t have her car or her wallet with her. 

And she can’t just leave without a word, besides, he was the one who asked her to stay last night. If he wants her to go he can say it to her face. 

Before she has time to ruminate further Ben is already back from what must have been the shortest shower in history. 

He looks relieved to see her still sitting on his bed, as if he’d been worried she'd sneak out while he was in the bathroom.

He’s wet and he’s only wearing a towel slung low on his hips. He rummages through his closet and turns to hand her a neatly folded pair of what look like black yoga pants and a t-shirt. She takes them gratefully. Both are in her size. 

“They’re Jyn’s.” He explains at her inquiring look, then he takes some clothes and leaves the bedroom again, presumably to give her a chance to get dressed. 

She pulls on the clothes, sans underwear. The t-shirt is long enough, thankfully, to hide that fact. It’s a chilly morning so she borrows a black zip up hoodie that smells like Ben. 

Her thong is on the floor of his bedroom tangled up in his jeans. Rey rolls them and along with her soiled dress into a crumpled ball. She sits back on his bed to wait. 

Ben returns, and she searches his face for a hint for what to do next. 

He stands there in the archway of the doorway, watching her guardedly. 

“Are you hungry?” He finally asks. 

“Not really.” Rey says honestly. “But I could use some coffee.” 

Ben drives them to a cafe next to the beach. 

It’s still early for a Sunday morning and the waitress looks sleepy as she leads them to an outside table on the deck. They’re the only people sitting outside. 

Ben orders an iced vanilla coffee for her as well as a breakfast burrito and a breakfast bagel with egg and bacon.

The waitress leaves and there’s a moment where she and Ben just stare at one another. 

“You regret it, don’t you.” He says, finally. ”Last night. You’re never going to not hate the fact you want me.” 

She’s getting used to how he uses his words and bluntness like a weapon. The remoteness of his facial expression makes it all the worse. He feels things deeply, and he has chosen to bury his emotions deep inside to protect himself. 

“I’m scared, Ben.” She replies, honestly, but is starting to feel like a broken record. “I’m scared of where it’s leading. There’s no way this ends well for either of us.”

“Why does it ever have to end?”

Rey is too drained to put up with his starry-eyed, teenage romanticism right now. She fixes a glare on him. “I’m not trying to be condescending, Ben. And I’m not usually a violent person. But when you say things like that, it makes me want to punch you.”

“Okay, fine. Fine. Say you’re right. We’re not going to have a happily ever after; maybe you’ll get bored of my shit or find someone better. Some thirty year-old asshole that wears sweater vests and goes group bike riding on weekends. Someone who can hold your hand in the streets without making you feel embarrassed.”

Rey is stung by his words. The way she feels about Ben, she’s never felt this way about anybody in her life before. She hadn't known she could feel this way about anybody. And he thinks she’d be so callous to just...use him until someone better comes along? 

“Maybe it will be you that finds someone more appealing.” She shoots back, angrily. 

“Maybe _you’re_ going to get bored with _me_. You go to college and find a girl with huge tits who comes from a good family and you bring her home to meet your mother during the holidays and I just become another footnote in your life, a youthful indiscretion you’re glad you got over.”

The table falls into silence as they both glare sullenly at anything but each other. Rey’s coffee and the food Ben ordered arrives. 

Ben pushes the plate with the breakfast burrito at her.

“I’m not hungry.” Rey says, sullenly. 

Ben sighs, “You’re never not hungry. Eat.” 

He’s right, and Rey hates to waste food, so she tears into the wrap, the taste of spicy and tangy salsa, sour cream, buttery scrambled eggs and fatty bacon oil floods her taste buds. She wolfs down her food while Ben eats at a more steady pace. 

Once their plates are empty, he begins again, in a calmer manner, “All relationships end eventually. One way or another. Why don’t we just enjoy it, while we can?”

“Enjoy it?” Rey repeats, “You’re suggesting...we have an affair? Now? While you’re still in school?”

He doesn’t answer, just watches her, waiting. 

“Why don’t we just wait?” She suggests, trying to sound noncommittal but well aware that she is rapidly losing ground. “We can wait, like you said, until the end of the school year. And then...we’ll reassess how we feel. And try to do this properly. We’ll get to know each other and...and go on dates.”

“Rey, Sweetheart.” He says, sounding exasperated, “I don’t think you realize it, but we’ve been dating all summer.”

“No we weren’t!” Rey snaps. 

“We’ve been eating dinners, watching movies, spending time together, getting to know each other. Isn’t that what dating is?”

“It’s not a date if one party didn’t know it was a date!” Rey says, hotly. 

“I’m just saying,” he continues in a maddeningly, reasonable tone, “Why can’t we continue as we have? Nothing has to change.”

She tries to imagine it, having him again. Having him whenever she wants it. Their bodies entwined, his body inside her own, so deep and filling her so completely that she doesn’t know where she ends and he begins. 

She feels heat rising inside her, the space between her legs throbs and the hunger with which her body responds to the idea renders her momentarily speechless. 

“But…we’d get caught eventually.” She protests weakly. 

“We don’t have to. I wouldn’t tell anyone.” He says, softly. “You know I never would. And it’s not as if you would tell anyone. We can just continue to see each other outside of school at your house; there’s no way anyone would find out. Anyone who sees me there will just assume I’m there to help you. We’ll be careful. Nobody has to know.”

“I’d be risking a lot, Ben.” She says unsteadily, “I’d be risking everything.”

“I know, Rey. But I am a jealous, selfish bastard and I want you too much. Don’t you want me too?”

Rey looks up and meets his eyes. She’s so, so tired. He’s stripped her naked, right to the bone. There’s nothing for her to hide behind, and she’s too exhausted to be anything but completely honest; not only to him but herself as well. 

“I want you more than I’ve wanted anything in my entire life.” She whispers.

And with that confession, that shameful terrifying secret she has kept locked deep inside for so long, finally coming out of her mouth in the sober morning light breaks something in her. She feels tears welling up and spilling down her cheeks.

His whole face softens. He reaches out to cup her face carefully in his hands, wiping away the tears with his thumbs. 

“Let’s have each other then.” He says, his eyes filled with heat, his voice deep and enticing; more deadly than a siren song. “Even if it’s for a little while.” 

“I…” She swallows and tries again, “I don’t know if I can. I’m...I’m not _like you,_ Ben. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to do it.” 

“Rey, my love.” He says, so tenderly that fresh tears spill from her eyes. “You are the strongest, bravest person I know. And when you finally realize that, the world will tremble at your feet.” 

  
  


***

Rey asks him to stop at Ralph’s on the way back to her house. “I need to get a morning after pill. We didn't use any protection last night.” 

Ben sounds apologetic, “I didn’t have any condoms with me. I’ve never had a girl in the house before. But I’m clean. I got dragged to the clinic last year when those rumors started circulating.”

Ben pulls into the parking lot and Rey is about to climb out of the car when she realizes she doesn’t have her wallet on her. But Ben is already throwing the car into park and unbuckling his seatbelt. “Wait for me in the car.” He says. 

So she does. 

He comes back a few minutes later, hands her a plastic bag with the Plan B inside and she doesn’t have the energy to unpack how bizarre her life has suddenly become. She feels a migraine brewing in the back of her skull. 

They drive the rest of the way to her house in silence. He pulls into her driveway and shuts off the engine. She unbuckles her seatbelt slowly. 

“Rey,” He’s staring at his driving wheel. “I’m not going to...I’m not going to chase after you this time. I’ll wait for you. It doesn’t matter how long it takes. I’ll wait. Just let me know when you’re ready.” 

She nods, staring at her hands. 

She doesn’t get out. 

He doesn’t start the engine. 

Neither of them move. 

Then, all of a sudden, they’re both moving at the same time, turning their bodies towards each other, he leans down, she strains upwards - 

Their mouths meet, and Rey sighs, her eyes flutter shut as her hands move to cradle his face in her palms, feeling something inside her settle into place. 

She feels his fingers stroking the sensitive skin of her neck, his other arm wraps around her to pull her closer into his body. 

It’s a chaste kiss, just their lips pressed against each other. It feels like it lasts forever. Neither of them dare to move, or draw breath, as if afraid to break or end this one perfect moment. 

Finally, Rey eases back, her eyes opening slowly. 

She wonders if she looks as dazed as he does, his eyes open slowly and the way he looks at her, in that moment she would have happily traded in everything she owned so Ben never stops looking at her like that. 

Like he _sees_ her and he still loves her. 

He strokes her cheek gently with the backs of his fingers as they both move back into their seats. She reaches blindly for the door handle, her body already missing the warmth of his. 

“Get those support posts sorted out,” he reminds her as she is climbing unsteadily out of the car. “In case it starts raining this weekend again.” 

Aching and filled with a sense of loss, she watches him drive away from her porch before going back into her house. 

She gets a glimpse of the gaping hole in her staircase and thinks of the pile of posts stacked on her deck. 

_Just let the roof cave in_. She thinks wearily. 

She collapses fully clothed on her bed and closes her eyes to let the darkness take her. 

***

Three weeks go by and her life falls back into a familiar rhythm. 

Ben keeps his promise to wait for her and she’s back to looking for glimpses of him in the hallways. 

He keeps to himself mostly, the seniors have their workload cut out for them and she sees him in the library or the computer lab a lot, studying.

It’s awful.

She misses him. Desperately. 

She feels restless, and stuck. Like she’s sitting at a train station waiting endlessly for a train to arrive so that it can take her to her next destination. Only she doesn’t know where she’s supposed to be going or why. 

Most days she cycles between self-loathing and exasperation at her absurd situation. She’s a thirty year old woman pining for an eighteen year old. It’s ridiculous. She wants to scream at herself for being so pathetic. 

But then she thinks of Ben’s soft eyes and the desperate press of his lips against her own and suddenly she’s on the verge of weeping. At night, she wears his black hoodie to sleep so she is surrounded by his scent. 

It’s Wednesday afternoon, and she has essays to mark and emails to answer but she’s having trouble focusing or caring. Instead of working, she sits at her desk and stares out her window, looking up at the stormy grey skies. 

She wants to talk to Rose. 

She is dangerously close to breaking and confessing everything to Rose. She wants her friend to tell her what her heart cannot accept; that she has to let go of her inappropriate fixation on Ben and move on with her life. 

But she can’t. She can’t forget about him. 

She feels like she’s dying of thirst in a desert while an oasis glitters and beckons to her in the distance. 

She leaves her office and walks to the administration building to look for Rose, hoping that she’ll be able to provide her with some distraction but she’s not at her desk. 

She follows the sound of voices to the tiny kitchenette next to Holdo’s office but stops in her tracks when she hears her name. 

“...not going to bother inviting Rey.” 

That’s Denise. One of the administrators who works with Rose. They hang out together outside of work but she’s never felt truly comfortable with Denise. Rey gets the feeling that Denise puts up with socializing with her only because she is Rose’s friend. 

“Denise, you can’t invite Lauren and Erica and me and not include Rey.” Rose is saying to Denise.” That’s some mean girl bullshit.” 

“But she’s not going to come anyways.” Denise replies. “She is the dullest person on the planet, I don’t know why you’re friends with her. It’s like she is allergic to fun.”

“That’s not true.” Rose protests. “You just don’t know her enough. Would I be friends with someone that’s allergic to fun?”

“Well she doesn’t really give us a chance to get to know her does she? We invite her out all the time for drinks and she never says yes. I swear to God sometimes I think she is rushing to go home and plug herself into the wall to recharge - that’s why she never likes to come out and have a good time. That’s probably why she turned Poe down; too worried he’ll see her charging port when they have sex. Who in their right mind turns down someone like Poe Dameron?”

“She said they didn’t have chemistry.”

“Oh please, that man has chemistry with a lamppost.” Denise says, dismissively. “I know what her problem is. She’s frigid. That explains her wardrobe right, why she dresses and acts like Kimmy Schmidt? Foster care must have done a number on her.”

“Denise.” Rose says, sounding displeased. “Not cool.”

“Oh c’mon Rose. I haven’t had a night off for months! Do you know how hard it is to convince my husband to take the kids for a night? I just wanna go out in a tight dress and grind myself up against some hard bodied stud in a club. Rey’s won’t want to come. And if she does she’ll just be a bore.”

Rey doesn’t hang around to hear more, she flees the building. 

She stews over Denise’s brutal words for the rest of Wednesday and all day Thursday as well, feeling humiliated and hurt. 

On Friday morning she wakes up angry. 

She walks into her bathroom and gives herself a hard stare in the mirror. 

She brushes her teeth and washes her face. She returns to her room and considers the clothes hanging in the wardrobe that she usually wears to work; pastel colored blouses and dresses with cutesy prints. 

She slams the wardrobe door harder than usual, turning to the unpacked pile of boxes in her bedroom, rifling through them until she finds what she is looking for, a push-up bra, a low cut silk blouse in black and skintight jeans. 

She’s sick of feeling broken and alone. 

And she’s tired of playing by everyone else’s rules. 

When she was child she had tried desperately to please everyone and ended up pleasing nobody. Being perfect and obedient hadn’t been enough, nobody had loved her, nobody had wanted her, nobody had kept her. 

But someone wanted her now. Someone loved her. 

_Maybe,_ she thinks, as she pulls on her clothes, _For the first time in my life I just think about pleasing myself._

The edge of the bathroom counter digs into her as she leans forward, peering into the mirror to apply her mascara and heavier eyeliner than she usually wears to work. _Maybe, I should just let myself have exactly what I want._

***

Ben is playing basketball in the gym again with two other boys during his free period. 

She waits until Beaumont takes a shot and misses, the ball bounces off the hoop and lands a few feet from where she is hovering in her corner. 

Ben jogs over to retrieve the ball, he’s sweaty and his t-shirt clings to his body and she has a sudden memory of him panting into her neck as he fucked into her fast and rough and she can’t breathe from how badly she wants that again. 

And she can. She can have him again. 

All she needs to do is ask. 

“Hey Miss Niima,” Ben says, as he bends down to pick up the ball. 

“Hey, how are your ribs?” 

“Perfectly fine now.” He replies politely, tucking the ball into his side while he scans the gym. 

There is a group of senior girls sitting in the benches on the other side of the gym, laughing and talking over something on their phones. The two senior boys Ben had been shooting hoops with have peeled off with their water bottles to join the girls. 

Nobody is paying them any attention for the moment. 

He turns his gaze back to her. 

“You look different today,” he says, and she expects his eyes to drop to her tits in her low cut blouse like most of the boys in the school have throughout the day, but he just studies her face intently. 

“Well I am trying something different,” she offers, peering up at him through her eyelashes. 

He pauses, his eyes alight with interest. “What’s that?” 

“I’m trying to be more brave.” She says. 

They stare at one another in charged silence. 

She hesitates, he waits. 

“Are you...still grounded?” She asks, breaking eye contact to glance over at the group of seniors to make sure nobody’s paying them any attention. 

“No.” 

“Would you...like to come over tonight then? For dinner?” 

“Yes,” Ben replies immediately. 

Rey’s heartbeat speeds up, a thrill moving down her spine. 

“Seven?” She says, still looking over at the group of seniors, keeping her body language casual and relaxed. 

“I can be there around five, after you’ve finished work.”

Rey bites her lip, holding back a smile at his eagerness. “I have a doctor’s appointment at five-thirty. I won’t be home until six-thirty, probably.” 

“Ah,” He says, “I’ll pick up the food and meet you at six-thirty then.” 

She bobs her head slightly in agreement. 

“Is everything okay?” She turns her face back to him, his forehead is furrowed in concern and it takes her a moment to realize the words ‘doctor’s appointment’ had worried him. 

“Oh, yes,” she clears her throat, a little self consciously, then says pointedly, “It’s an appointment at a family planning center.” 

“Ah.” He says again, in understanding. He gives her a heated look filled with promise. “I’ll see you at six-thirty then.” 

“See you then.” 

***

She stops by Rose’s desk as she is leaving work that afternoon. 

“Have fun tonight.” Rey says to Rose and Denise. 

Rey isn’t sure how Rose got Denise to come around but she did end up asking her to go out with them. Rey had declined without letting Rose know she’d been aware of Denise’s true feelings on the matter. 

“You sure you don’t want to come out?” Rose asks her. Rey looks over at Denise who is watching her expectantly from her desk, waiting for her to make her usual excuses of wanting to just stay home instead of going out. 

_Because she thinks you’re the dullest person on this planet._ A voice in her head helpfully reminds her. 

Something inside her, something dark, petty and _mean_ takes over her, and Rey replies, “Oh no, I’m too busy. I’m almost out of juice. I have to get home and plug myself into the wall, you know how it is.”

She smiles sweetly at Denise, who looks stunned and guilty. 

“Rey.” Rose says, uncomfortably. 

She turns her back on them, with a mocking little wave. 

“Have fun!”

_I hope you choke on your cocktail Denise_. Rey thinks spitefully. 

She doesn't care they're going out without her. She her own plans tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, please consider leaving me a comment if you enjoyed this chapter. 
> 
> I am [@MindyCakes](https://twitter.com/mindycakes)on Twitter and @wantisamlindyla on Tumblr. Come say hi!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello loyal readers. I am so sorry for the long delay in getting this chapter to y'all. I've been feeling quite down this past week and I really had to push myself to keep working on this chapter. I've rewritten this chapter quite a few times and I'm really glad it's finally here and I hope you enjoy it. 
> 
> Some housekeeping, @kyl0r3ntr4sh made me a gorgeous moodboard for my fic and you can see it [here](https://twitter.com/MindyCakes/status/1252751887473889280?s=20). 
> 
> I also commissioned @theriseofswolo to draw me the scene from Chapter 4 when Ben seduces Miss Niima, which you can view it [here](https://twitter.com/MindyCakes/status/1252093487614312448?s=20). I'm so thrilled by it, it's SO SEXY and VERY NSFW. 
> 
> Thank you SO MUCH for your comments and love for this fic, your enthusiasm and love for this Ben and Rey really helped to get me through last week and gave me enough motivation to keep working on this fic.

**Chapter 9**

There’s a part of Rey that keeps waiting for her sense of self-preservation to kick in and text Ben to call the whole thing off. 

As she drives home from the family planning clinic, she feels somewhat untethered to reality, but as she drives, it slowly starts to set in and she wonders: is she really doing this? 

She’s going to risk her career, her friendships, her reputation and throw all caution to the wind to have a torrid affair with an eighteen year old high school student? 

But instead of spiraling into panic and losing her nerve, she finds herself extremely calm. Almost committed to this course of action. In fact, an extremely measured and reasonable voice responds: isn’t she already having an affair with Ben? 

They have both already admitted they want each other. 

They’ve had sex. 

The only issue left to determine, in Rey’s mind, was where this path was leading the both of them. 

Rey didn’t want to fool herself in thinking that this relationship had a shelf life of more than one year. Her conclusion wasn’t wholly based on cynicism, but common sense and life experience informed her already that once Ben left for college next year, whatever they had would naturally come to an end. 

He was so young, and he had too much to experience, to grow, to learn. Rey was not deluded enough to think someone like Ben: well-connected, intelligent, handsome, with a strong sexual appetite, would want to stay tethered to her while he went out into the world to explore all that it had to offer him. 

She did have some reservations. 

She was worried that this would cause some irreparable harm to him, in the long run. She cannot be sure, and she knows perhaps, if she was truly selfless, and she truly cared enough to ensure that he comes out of this unscathed, the only course of action would be to call him now and tell him he cannot come over to her house for dinner tonight. 

She isn’t though. And she won’t. 

She _wants_ this. She wants Ben. 

She has longed and craved for love for far too long. 

And here is Ben, with his big, hard body and his dark and hungry eyes, he is a meal that is too good for this greedy, ravenous orphan girl to resist. 

She will take whatever time she has with him. 

She is going to swallow him whole and satiate her wretched, weakened, love-starved soul. 

***

When Rey gets home, she has exactly fifteen minutes to jump into the shower, run her razor over every part of her body she can reach, slather on her favorite Jo Malone lotion and put on a set of lacy nude colored bra and knickers before there’s a knock at her door. 

She checks herself in the mirror, runs her fingers through her hair before she throws on a sweater dress that tends to slip and fall down one shoulder in a way she hopes is sexy rather than just haphazard.

She hesitates as her hand falls on the doorknob. 

_It’s not too late._

_You could still ask him to go home._

She opens the door to find Ben is standing there in a soft looking black Henley and jeans, his unruly hair combed back from his face holding two pizza boxes. 

He looks tall and broad shouldered and _so good_ that all doubts fly out of her head and she thinks: _No. I’m having him. Damn me to hell, but I am having him._

“Hi.” Ben’s eyes rake over her, from head to toe. 

“Hey,” Rey replies, simply. She steps aside to let him enter. 

She leads him wordlessly into her kitchen. He sets the pizza on the counter and takes a seat on a stool. 

There is a pause. And then- 

“How did you go with setting up the posts?” Ben asks. 

“Oh, fine.” She is relieved at the innocuous question. “Finn and I used the servant’s stairs at the back of the house to get up to the attic. The engineer told me I needed to get someone to look at the house and check it for termites.”

Rey had felt numb when she’d received the email with the structural report attached. The engineer’s report had advised that the wood rot was extensive, the roof had been in desperate need of repair for too long. Over time the moisture that had gotten into the roof had damaged the structure of the roof. She’d need to replace the roof structure. 

After Ben had gotten hurt the Engineer had come out again for a second inspection. He’d strongly suggested she get a pest inspection and suggested she may have a problem with termites. 

When Rey had gotten the news she’d barely reacted. 

She had become increasingly accustomed to receiving bad news about this house. 

And she was still so relieved Ben hadn’t sustained more serious injuries from his fall. 

“I guess I'll have electricity again in about five years’ time.” She says with a resigned smile. “After I’ve paid off the new roof.”

“You can’t stay with a friend?” He asks, concerned. ”At least during the winter? It won’t be comfortable living here when it starts getting cold.”

“We’re in California, Ben.” Rey says, amused. Having spent her life growing up in London, she doesn't understand when people here complained about the cold when the temperature dropped below 49 degrees. 

“I got through last winter without electricity. And if it gets really cold I have a space heater for my bedroom.”

“Hmm,” he says, his eyes soft and heated at the same time. “I can think of other ways you could keep warm.”

A surprised snort of laughter escapes her, because he is being so _obvious_ and also because he’s flirting with her and it doesn’t make her freeze up or want to change the subject, instead it sends a pulse of anticipation down her spine. 

“Can you?” She asks, lifting an eyebrow, drifting a little closer to where he is seated. 

“Yeah,” he murmurs, he reaches out and settles his huge hands on her waist drawing her in so she is standing between his spread legs. 

Her heart starts beating faster. Her own hands move tentatively to flatten against the hard planes of his chest. She’s almost eye-level with him like this. 

Her eyes drift down to his mouth. 

She likes how small and soft she feels with his big hands on her waist, bracketed by his thighs on either side of her. When she leans in to press her lips tentatively against his cheek. Ben makes a soft noise of pleasure, his hands clenching the fabric of her dress. 

She dots a line of tiny kisses down his cheek to his neck, she presses herself closer to his body, her hands moving from her chest to his shoulders, feeling the tautness of his muscles as he allows her to explore him this way. 

He starts to say something, perhaps ask her a question but she stops him, pressing her mouth to his, and he relaxes as she leans into him, kissing him slowly, taking her time to bask in his taste and smell, sucking and sipping at his gorgeous mouth. 

He’s a good kisser, she decides. Not that she has kissed a lot of men but he’s not sloppy, and he doesn’t immediately try to stick his tongue down her throat. 

Ben lets her take the lead, when she feels the gentle swipe of his tongue she opens her mouth for him. He tastes like mint like he’d brushed his teeth before coming here, his lips are so soft and she recalls every part of her body that his lips and tongue have already been and the throbbing in her core intensifies until she’s gasping and making little noises of want as their kisses grow harder and wetter. 

When she feels one of the hands on her waist moving lower, impatiently pulling up the hem of her short dress to squeeze and fondle her ass she tears her mouth from his, trying to gather her thoughts even though her limbs feel like jelly and she can feel how wet she is between her thighs. 

Talk. They needed to talk first. 

“We’ll need to set some ground rules, Ben.” She says, her voice comes out shaky and uneven. “If we are really going to do this.” 

Ben is not so easily deterred, he pulls her back in for another mind melting kiss. “We can talk after.” Ben murmurs against her cheek, the hand that isn’t kneading her ass has crept up to palm her tits.

“Let me fuck you first,” He begs, and she feels herself shiver at the desperate tone of his voice. “ _God_ , you feel so good, I’ve been jerking off to the memory of being inside you for weeks. I’m going to die if you don’t let me fuck you tonight.” 

The throbbing between her legs is almost painful, she’s remembering how he felt, thick and hard, inside her and Rey nearly gives in to him.

But she’s compared him in her head many times to a storm, and he really is; he is wild, turbulent, and unconstrained. He pulls her into him with fierce gale-force winds no matter how hard she has tried to resist. She doesn’t completely trust herself when they’re together so she feels a need to set firm limits with him, negotiate terms and mark the boundaries so neither of them are left wrecked and in pieces after this is over. 

“Ben,” she says, using her stern teacher’s voice, she places both palms back on his chest and pushes firmly to get his attention. “I’m serious.”

He’s panting and his mouth swollen and wet. His face is flushed and a quick glance down at his lap informs her he’s already hard. 

Ben shoots her a slightly put out look, but to his credit, he takes a deep breath and says calmly, “Alright.”

She takes a step back, not leaving the circle of his arms but just enough to create some space between their bodies. “I guess….it goes without saying. This has to be a secret. We need to be really careful, we shouldn’t even talk to each other in school unless it’s absolutely necessary.”

His hands on her waist give her a reassuring squeeze and his eyes are soft. “Of course.” 

“Secondly, I don’t want this to have any impact on you, academically speaking.” Rey is choosing her words carefully. “So you need to promise me that you won’t do anything rash like withdraw your college applications or drop out of your AP classes. You’ll finish your senior year. And then we’ll have a long, calm conversation about what happens next year.” 

Ben doesn’t reply for a long moment. The heat and lust in his eyes has receded, he’s watching her silently, assessing and considering her words. 

She swallows, lifting a hand up to cup his cheek tenderly hoping the gesture comes off as comforting. “I just don’t want you to make any decisions that you’ll regret later. This is really important to me.” 

“I am not going to regret this.” He says quietly. “You’re the best thing I have in my life. I’m not letting you go without a fight.” 

Something inside her quivers as his words, and she feels her whole body turn fever hot and then, immediately icy cold. 

She wonders faintly if he knows what it does to her when he says things like that. Nobody in her whole life has ever wanted her, nobody has ever fought for her. 

She rewards him with a sweet kiss on his cheek. “I’m not asking you to promise me just for your sake. I’m asking you to do this for both of us. It will give me some piece of mind that you’re not derailing your entire future because of what we’re doing here. Promise me? Please.” 

He frowns, his eyes search hers, as if looking for something. After a long thoughtful pause, he gives her a nod. “Okay. We’ll decide what happens. Together. When the time comes.” 

He leans in and then stops. “Was there a third condition?” He asks, wearily. 

Rey smiles at his expression and kisses him. “No third condition.” 

She has to hold back a squeak of alarm as he lifts her up in his arms, her stomach swoops and her arms flail before she feels the coldness of the counter on her ass.

“Thank God. I’ve been walking around with a semi-hard dick all afternoon,” he says, pulling her right to the edge of the counter so he can grind his erection impatiently up against the lace of her knickers. 

“Mmmf - from what I’ve observed that just seems to be your natural state.” Rey says teasingly against his lips. 

“You made it worse with those jeans and that top you wore to school today,” Ben says in an accusing tone. 

“I didn’t -” Rey breaks off as he reaches under her dress to tug her underwear down her legs. “I didn’t think you even noticed,” she says, lowering herself to the cold marble at his urging, her breath coming out in uneven gasps as he spreads her legs. 

She should feel ridiculous, lying on her kitchen counter with her legs spread wide open, but she doesn’t; she feels small and sexy as Ben bends down to kiss a path up her thighs. 

“I noticed,” his breath is hot against the wet lips of her pussy, making her quiver. “I’d have to be blind to have not noticed. You should have heard all the fucking pricks in the locker room talking about how amazing your tits and your ass looked today. It made me so angry. I have to just sit there and listen when I want to punch their lights out for the way they all talk about your body.” He hitches her thighs over his shoulders as he licks into her. 

Rey moans, her legs dangle in midair, toes curling in pleasure. The filthy wet sounds of his slick tongue sliding inside her fills the room. 

One hand quickly clutches at the edge of the counter, the other sinks into his hair. “Don’t be angry,” she whispers, back arching off the counter as he moves upwards to suck at her clit tenderly. “I only want you. Nobody else.” 

“I know my love, that’s why no one got punched,” he says, lapping at her cunt, “Because only I know how good you taste. Only I get to hear the hot little sounds you make when you’re about to come.” 

Ben sinks two fingers into her, and she whimpers and arches her back, her hips moving as he pumps his fingers. “Fuck Rey,” He breathes, “Just like that. You’re so close already.” 

It cannot be a comfortable position for him, but he’s moaning into her as he eats her like she’s the best thing he’s ever tasted, his fingers piston and thrust into her filling her so exquisitely and she’s already so worked up that she comes embarrassingly fast, shaking and coming apart against his mouth. 

Ben gives her swollen clit a tender flick of his tongue before he is straightening up and lifting her trembling body into his arms, she wraps her arms around his neck and rests her head tiredly on one of his huge broad shoulders and lets him carry her into her bedroom. 

He’s so big, all over. 

The men she’d previously dated had been about the same height as her. 

Ben makes her feel tiny by comparison, and it's not something she’s ever thought she would be comfortable with; feeling small and easily overpowered, given that she’d spent most of her childhood at the mercy of others, trying to fold into herself to take up as little space as possible so people won’t find her to be a bother. 

But it's just one more example of how Ben has upended her tidy, neat and ordered existence. Rolling into her life and breaking every preconception she’s ever had about herself. 

When he had told her in his deep voice to take off his t-shirt, to lie back on his bed, her whole body had vibrated with fear and elation, her pussy had turned soft and wet and her mind had gone blank. 

He’d taken her, remolded her body so she could welcome his cock inside her and in those moments she had _belonged_ to him. 

And it had been glorious. 

She wants that again. 

He deposits her on her mattress, her dress comes off and he pulls the straps of her bra down her shoulders so he can suck and mouth at her tits. 

He’s too impatient to take off his own clothes, he gets as far as unbuttoning his jeans, shoving his briefs down and taking his cock out. It’s ruddy and leaking precome and Rey feels herself spreading her legs and canting her hips towards him invitingly. 

When he slots himself at her entrance, she makes a hungry noise when she feels the thick head of his cock nudging inside her but then something pierces through the haze of lust that has taken up residence in her mind and she quickly moves to stop him, pushing her hands against his hard chest. 

“Wait, wait - Ben, you need to use a condom,” she says, breathlessly, “I got the shot today but it'll take a week before it starts working.”

She gestures at a plastic bag lying next to her bed that contains condoms and a bottle of lube that she had purchased on the way home from work. 

“Okay, yes. Right.” Ben grits his teeth as he pulls out and Rey holds back whine as he moves away, missing the heat and weight of his body. He takes a condom out of the box while she watches, rolling it over his length.

“Does it fit okay?” She asks, anxiously. It hadn’t been something she’d ever had to do before; purchasing condoms. 

She had felt overwhelmed at the selection in the supermarket which offered things like ribbed, extra sensitive, ultrathin, extended pleasure. Self-conscious of the fact she was standing too long in front of the condoms gawking and she’d just grabbed the first box that boasted ‘ _XL_.’

“It’s fine,” he says, he’s squirting some of the lube from the bottle, smearing it over his fingers and his cock before positioning himself and pushing impatiently inside her. 

Rey tries to relax her body as he slowly fills her, moving her head up to capture his mouth for more lovely, hungry kisses. 

The first time he pushed inside her, even with the lube and his stretching her out beforehand it had been uncomfortable. She barely remembers most of what happened, she remembers soreness, heat and the friction. She remembers feeling utterly possessed as he fucked into her wildly, bucking his hips driving himself frantically into her until the pressure and the fullness bloomed and unfurled and she’d come, harder than any orgasm she’d ever had before, she hadn’t even known such a thing could exist. 

But she had liked it, very much so. 

This time is not too different, he still fucks her too roughly, driving into her hard and without finesse just like last time. 

He’s too big, stretching her past the point of pleasure into the realm of discomfort. Every jerk of his hips forces him deeper into her, and makes her cry out involuntarily. 

And there’s nothing she can do but just lie there under him, digging her fingers into his back, letting him fuck her. 

She loves it. 

She watches him, his eyes screwed shut and his mouth open, listening to his grunts, rising in volume and urgency until he groans, long and loud his whole body shuddering as he comes. She holds him tight through it, sneaking her hands under his shirt so she can stroke his back feeling the shift and strain of his muscles under the skin.

He opens his eyes, staring down at her, they’re lighter in color when she’s close to him like this, a warm whiskey amber. He gives her a sheepish grin, leaning down to kiss her. “I’m sorry. Once I get inside you, you’re so soft and tight, I can’t control myself.”

She stares, with his cheeks flushed pink, hair matted to his nape he looks sated and relaxed.

He’s beautiful.

“It’s okay,” Rey swallows, her whole body is warm and flushed. She feels herself involuntarily clench around his cock, still hard and inside her and watches his eyes slam shut, he hisses as if in pain. 

“ _Fuck_.”

He rolls onto his side next to her before reaching down, holding the condom in place as he pulls out slowly, she moans softly at the loss. 

He takes care of the condom, tying it up and disposing of it in the plastic bag. He turns back to her, eyes raking over her body, her legs still spread, her swollen pussy, her chest moving up and down with her ragged breaths, her nipples tightened into hard little points.

“Fuck, look at you.” Ben says reverently. 

He shucks his clothes and then rearranges them so he’s almost cradling her in his arms, his hand on her belly moves down to push his fingers back inside her, she turns pink at the squelching sounds her pussy makes while he fingers her. 

“You’re so wet,” he says, eyes lidded and color heightened with arousal as he watches her, “Remember the first time I touched you like this?” He asks, his fingers curling and pressing up against that part of her that makes her whine his name in a high breathy voice. 

“I could barely fit one finger inside you, you were so tight, now look at you,” he thrusts his fingers deeper, “two fingers isn't enough anymore is it? Not anymore.”

“No,” Rey agrees, mindlessly, and there is no room for embarrassment or nervousness. Whenever they're together like this she’s just a wanton, horny mess. 

When his fingers pull out without warning she almost cries, he leans down swallowing her protests with his mouth. 

She loses herself in his kisses until she feels his hand moving lower and then he’s nudging and pressing up against a part of her that _nobody_ has ever touched before she chokes and panics. Her hand flies out to grab his arm. 

“Have you ever played with yourself here?” He asks her, his slippery finger stroking and rubbing at the sensitive entrance. Rey, thoroughly scandalized, feels herself turn bright red as she tightens her grip on his arm, shaking her head.

“I want to,” Ben says, “I want you to let me have everything, I’m going to come on your tits, your face, your mouth, inside your tight, hot pussy, and here.” He presses down so that there is no confusion as to _where_ he means. 

She whimpers, turning hot and cold at the thought of doing that with him. “I-I don’t- you’re too big for that Ben.”

“I’ll stretch you out, I’ll make it fit.” He promises as his fingers slide back into her pussy, keeping his thrusts slow and languid, “I’ll make you feel so good and ready and you’ll let me fuck and come in your ass because I want to. Because you belong to me. Isn't that right, sweetheart?”

Her fevered mind is barely comprehending what he is asking her as his fingers move up to rub and play with her clit. Something impossible and terrifying. 

“Ben,” she sobs, her throbbing empty cunt clenches around nothing and it _hurts._ He leans down kissing her softly and sweetly. 

She feels herself inching closer and closer to a second orgasm. 

The tender way he is cradling and kissing her is a contrast to the lewd and possessive manner with which he is playing with her pussy is wreaking havoc with her brain, between watching Ben come and his promise to fuck her ass she’s right on the edge of a mind blowing orgasm but first- 

She reaches down to grab his wrist. When Ben gives her an inquiring look she says, desperately, “I want...I want to come with you inside me.” 

He groans, a harsh and desperate sound. He releases her to roll onto his back and reach for another condom. She sits up, kneeling on the mattress so she can watch. 

He’s hard already. Or maybe he never stopped being hard. He jerks with surprise when she bats his hands away and starts to roll the condom on herself. 

As soon as it’s on she makes to clamber up his body the same time he grabs her by the hips, hauling her to him so she can sit astride him, her knees next to his hips. 

She bites her lip, reaching down to align him with her entrance, slowly sinking down onto him as Ben swears loudly. She follows his gaze, watching his cock slowly disappearing between the swollen pink lips of her pussy. 

She wishes she has the time to stop and take in the sight of him, naked and spread out beneath her, his muscles taught and straining, but she doesn’t because Ben is throwing his head back and bucking his hips upwards into her, shoving himself inside her so so so deep, forcing her to take him and she gasps and falls forward, bracing herself on his wide chest as she tries to scramble back up onto her knees in a moment of panic - _he’s too fucking big it’s too much she’s going to tear something_ \- 

Rey whimpers, Ben’s hands on her hips move her into a slightly different position and something inside shifts and then- _oh._

Her eyes flutter shut and her mouth falls open as Ben slowly and ever so gently thrusts up into her. 

She’s absolutely stretched to her limits, the opening to her pussy feels swollen and so tender as he slides in and out, every time he pushes in there’s a place deep inside her that his cock brushes up against that makes her thighs tremble. She’s whimpering and she feels tears gathering in her eyes from how intensely good it feels to be fucked like this. 

“Yes,” Ben whispers. “That’s it sweetheart, you’re so soft, so tight. I can’t believe you’re taking me so well.” 

“Ben,” she wails, her arms are shaking, he catches her as her strength gives out, arranging her so she’s lying on top of him, she moans into the sweaty skin of his neck, one big hand is between her shoulders, holding her down, the other on her lower back, anchoring her for his thrusts. 

When Rey comes she doesn’t do it quietly, she can barely hear the sounds she makes through the rush of blood in her ears, but she is quite sure she is screaming Ben’s name and everything inside her clenches and shakes and she wonders if she passes out for a few moments. 

When she comes to, she's lying on top of Ben, they’re both a sweaty mess of limbs. 

“Did you come?” Rey asks weakly, pressing a kiss against his shoulder. He murmurs something in the affirmative. 

Satisfied with that answer her eyes flutter closed once more. 

Surrounded by Ben’s arms and the sound of his heartbeat she burrows into his chest and sinks into a deep sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, please consider leaving me a comment if you enjoyed this chapter. They brighten up my day!
> 
> I am [@MindyCakes](https://twitter.com/mindycakes)on Twitter and @wantisamlindyla on Tumblr. Come say hi!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mind the tags! Some dubcon role play in this chapter. Please be safe!

**Chapter Ten**

During the first week of October, every day brings rains, thunderstorms and a chill in the air that tempts Rey to linger in bed under her blankets in the mornings, listening to the rain and trying not to think about the fact that the roof over head was being held up by temporary support posts and all the money, time and work it would take to have it repaired. 

For the first time since she’d moved into the house, the insistent and deep-rooted impulse that had been propelling her to restore it into a real home had dulled. 

Even if it would be prudent to wait until Spring to have the roof replaced, there was so much now she could still be planning, learning, preparing….but Rey can’t seem to bring herself to do anything. 

It’s Friday night, when she would usually be preoccupied with a new project, browsing second hand kitchen cabinets on Amazon or looking at DIY home renovation blogs, instead, she’s on her knees, stifling her cries onto her pillow while Ben fucks her into the mattress. 

He’d already come once, cursing and grunting, one of his massive hands squeezing an asscheek so hard she’d squealed into the pillow. 

He’d kept three of his fingers inside her, keeping her body dancing on the edge until he was hard enough to mount her again, this time, keeping her legs together so that the friction and the angle of his rough thrusts has him hitting a spot deep inside her that makes her _scream_ and see stars when she comes. 

She makes a sleepy noise that could almost be a whine when she feels him pull out. The mattress moves beneath her and she feels him flop down next to her. 

Rey lets her legs give out and she slides forward until she’s on her belly. 

She could fall right to sleep like this, her entire body feels slack and loose, the cool air in her bedroom caresses the wet folds of her sex. 

She hadn’t even managed to get undressed this time, he’d just pushed her skirt up over her ass, yanked her underwear down her thighs before pushing his big cock inside her. 

“Sorry,” Ben says suddenly, out of nowhere. 

Rey moves her head to the side reluctantly opening her eyes so she can look at him. 

He’s taken care of the condom already and tucked himself politely back into his underwear. He doesn’t _look_ like he’s just fucked her boneless save for his chest moving up and down rapidly and his unbuttoned jeans. 

“Sorry for what?” She asks sleepily. 

“I meant to go a bit slower this time,” He explains, “I wanted it to last longer.”

Her mind is still blissfully blank after her orgasm and she laughs breathlessly, “I’m not complaining.” 

It’s been two weeks since she and Ben started... _seeing_ each other. Rey has steadfastly refused to allow him to visit her house during the weekdays and on Sunday evenings. The reason being that it was his senior year, she wanted to try her best to make sure he could still focus on his schoolwork, but that meant on the weekends she had a very...pent-up, horny teenage boy with an inexhaustible sex drive on her hands. 

Ben studies her for a moment, “You’d tell me right? If you didn’t like anything we were doing? Or something didn’t feel right?” 

Her brow furrows at his question, “Of course I would.” 

He stares at her for a beat too long with that strange, intense way of his until she asks, “Ben, what’s wrong?” 

He lets out a breath and stares up at the ceiling, “I’m just...I worry I’m a too rough sometimes and you don’t always get to come first. Some of the girls...they complained that my dick was too big and it hurt them.”

Something dark and jealous pricks at her and she rolls onto her side with her back to him. 

“Do you have to bring up your old girlfriends when we’re in bed together?” She doesn’t even try to keep the irritation out of her voice. 

The mattress dips again as he moves closer, his hand burrows under her blouse to lightly cup a breast in his palm, it’s a gesture both possessive and apologetic at the same time. 

“I just wanted to make sure you like what we’re doing. You once told me you thought sex was awful. Remember?”

His fingers play absently with her nipple, rolling and flicking gently at the hard little nub. Rey’s eyes close as she relaxes into his touch. 

“It’s different with you.” Rey murmurs. 

“How?” He asks curiously.

“Those men didn't know me.” She explains, “Most of the time I just felt like an object, like I was just a warm body for them to use.”

“Did you ever come with any of them?” 

Rey wonders if he’s feeling jealous or whether some competitive male part of his brain is trying to make sure that she’s enjoys his lovemaking more than any of her previous lovers. 

Her hand covers his on her chest. “No Ben.” She says honestly. “Only with you.” 

He rolls her onto her back then, he covers her body with his own as his soft lips find hers. She hums, raking her fingers through his soft dark hair as they kiss. 

She sighs contentedly, turning her head so he can dot kisses down her neck. He unbuttons her blouse and shifts the cup of her bra down so he can rest his head on her chest and play with her left breast. 

They fall into an easy silence, her eyes flutter shut, thinking about the takeout turning cold on her kitchen counter and wishing she had a functioning kitchen. Or at least a microwave. She and Ben have been subsisting on cold dinners every time she’s had him over.

“Will you tell me what you like?” Ben asks her, breaking through her musings. 

“Huh?” 

“I mean, what you enjoy, in bed.” 

“Enjoy?” Rey asks, nonplussed. “Like, you want me to give you a performance review?” 

“No,” Ben laughs, “Like, what gets you off? What sort of porn do you watch?” 

“Oh, I don’t watch porn,” Rey shifts awkwardly under his weight, feeling self-conscious about coming across like a priggish spinster aunt in front of her teenage lover. “It always seems a but...fake.” 

“That’s why I watch the amatur stuff.” Ben without a trace of embarrassment. “A lot of the people in it are real couples, you can tell when the woman is actually enjoying herself.” 

“Oh,” Rey pokes him in his side teasingly, “You can, can you?” 

He laughs, peeking up at her through his mop of dark hair, his expression somehow shy and naughty at the same time, “I can tell.” 

There’s no hope of Ben being diverted from the topic at hand though, because he continues, “What about when you’re alone, what do you think about to get off?” 

“What do _you_ think about?” Rey deflects. 

“You.” Ben answers without hesitation. 

When Rey responds with a snort and an exaggerated eye roll, Ben says earnestly, “No, seriously. You could probably just lie there naked while I jerked off and I’d come. Actually,” he sits up, his eyes alight with mischief, “Let’s test that theory now.” 

Rey giggles and pretends to fight him off as he pulls off her skirt and underwear. She laughs breathlessly and shoves at his broad chest as he pushes her legs apart. 

Rey tries to kick him, but he ends up pinning her thigh down with one hand as he tries to get her arms out of the blouse and groping her breast. 

When he leans down to smother her laughter and fake protests with his mouth,she nips at his bottom lip, and his breath hitches. 

The laughter dies down as she realizes the position they’re in, her almost naked underneath his fully dressed body, one of his huge hands is on her thigh keeping her right leg held down against the bed, his weight is pushing down on her hips and stomach and to her surprise she feels heat start to pool in her core. 

“Rey?” 

Her eyes flutter to his face, his cheeks flushed and dark eyes regarding her with interest. She quickly looks away, suddenly exposed and ashamed. 

There’s a pause, and then, “Rey?” He kisses her shoulder sweetly, “Do you like this? Being pinned down like this?”

She feels trapped, there’s nowhere to hide, nowhere to run. She feels all the blood rushing to her face as she gives a jerky nod. 

“What else do you like?” He asks, and when she doesn’t respond immediately, he presses a kiss to her shoulder, “would you like it if I was...a little mean to you?” 

Her breath leaves her in a shudder, and she turns her head as if to hide her face in the sheets. If he had asked her with his eyebrows raised, or in a suggestive manner, she would have vehemently denied it. But instead his voice is tender, his touches soothing and she swallows and clears her throat. 

“Not _too_ mean,” she manages to croak out. “J-just, sometimes I like feeling a little scared. But you know what I need without me saying it, even when I’m saying no to you.” 

“I do know what you need sweetheart,” Ben assures her, “I love that you trust me enough to give it to you.” 

“Yeah?” her voice comes out small and watery. 

“Yeah,” he kisses her and it feels like a promise, “I love giving you what you need. I love taking care of you.”

He moves down her body again, to mouth and suck at her breast until she’s not feeling frightened anymore, her hips tilt upwards, he moves instinctively, bearing his weight down to give her the pressure she’s seeking. 

“I think about this all the time,” Ben says a while later, replacing his mouth with his fingers on her nipple that’s starting to feel oversensitive and sore, “I think about coming to your office during the week and sucking on your tits until you cry.” 

“That’s - that’s very naughty,” Rey chides him breathlessly, lacing her fingers through his soft hair once more. 

“You’d have to stay so quiet too,” he continues, planting a delicate kiss on each tip of her breast, “So no-one finds out how much Miss Niima likes getting her tits sucked by her student.” 

“ _Ben,_ ” A ripple of fear moves through her body at the thought of being touched and fondled in her office by Ben, in the open, where anybody could just _walk in_ and find them. 

She knows it’s not something he’d really do, his conduct towards her these past two weeks during school has been the very definition of circumspect. But the illicit and the forbidden nature of the fantasy thrills and arouses her. Ben knows it too, the way he’s studying her, gauging and measuring her responses to his words and his touches. 

“Would you like that Rey?” Ben asks her softly, causing a strange thought to flit through her mind; that her sweet, eager boyish lover has disappeared from her arms and been replaced with his dark twin, the _other_ Ben, the one who watches her with dark, hungry eyes and seduces her on his couch on her birthday. 

“No.” Rey protests weakly, and then, “You can’t.” Rey's voice is trembling with each word she speaks, “Someone might find us.” 

“Maybe there’s nothing you can do about it,” The soft threat in his words causes her to quiver dangerously. 

His eyes rake down her body almost insolently, his fingers pluck at her nipple like he’s playing with a toy. “You can’t make a sound. Or else someone will find us.” 

Rey can’t move, she feels like she’s frozen, she can’t even draw breath in fear and anticipation of what he’ll do next, her heart beating like a drum. “You know I can take whatever I want.” He says insolently. “Maybe I reach under your skirt and find you soaked. I won’t even be able to stop myself, I’d push my fingers inside your tiny pussy.” 

“Oh God, _Ben_.” Rey’s gasping now, “ _Please_.” She can feel him hard against her thigh, ready to take what he wants from her again. 

Rey can’t stop herself from grinding her hips against him shamelessly, soaking the material of his jeans. 

“Please? You want me to fuck you with my fingers?” Two of his long, wonderfully thick fingers push into her, and Rey _keens_ , she doesn’t recognize the sounds leaving her mouth, “How’s that?” 

“No,” she’s clutching at his arms, her nails digging into his skin. “More.” 

“You need a cock inside you, don’t you?” His eyes burn hot but his face is so cold, almost cruel. 

“ _Yes._ ” Rey sobs, and relief breaks over her feverish body like a pail of ice water, when she sees him reaching over to tear open a foil packet. 

He rolls on another condom before pushing inside her again. She’s soft and open from earlier, but he’s so big and she’s so small, it always takes some work to get him inside her. 

She can feel the heat of his gaze on her sex, it’s his favourite part, she has learned, watching her struggle to take him inside her, listening to her cries and gasps like it’s too much for her, the slick, wet sounds their bodies make as he feeds his thick cock into her tiny cunt. 

“There you go Miss Niima,” Ben smirks, every part the privileged rich boy who’s never been told ‘no’ in his life. “Is that better?” 

“ _Ah_ ,” Rey moans, her fingers dig into his arms as he starts to fuck her with deep, long strokes. “Yes, _yes,_ Ben.” 

“What a naughty teacher you are, begging me to fuck you with my cock.” Ben whispers and she makes a sound of protest which quickly morphs into moans, her hands clutching at him like claws. 

They’re playing a game that Rey doesn’t know the rules to, her chest feels tight with shock and shame but her pussy is molten hot, she can _hear_ how wet she is, she can feel the small gushes her body makes for him with each deep pump inside her. 

“What if I told all the boys at school your little secret?” Ben breathes into her ear, “That Miss Niima has a nice, tight cunt, and she loves having it filled with a big cock.”

She cries out in shock and embarrassment, her inner muscles clenching around him. “No, _don’t_ Ben, don’t tell anyone.”

“Why?”

“Because,” Rey gasps, “then everyone will know.” 

“You don’t want everyone to know about your perfect little pussy?

_“No._ ” 

“They all think about it, you know, they’d kill to know what you feel like around their cocks.”

“ _Ben-_ ” 

“But they’ll never know, Rey. Because it’s all for me, isn’t it?” He’s almost snarling the words, battering her sex with his hard thrusts while she whimpering with every thrust.

He’s like an animal, Rey feels like he’s barely clinging on to his control while he fucks her, his barely suppressed violence. The idea that this beautiful, monstrous boy who loves her and wants own and possess her more than anything in the world both frightens and arouses her like nothing she could have imagine

“Only I get to know how careful I have to be when I’m fucking you, how I can’t ram my cock into you as hard as I want because I don’t want to bruise your _soft, tight, cunt._ ”

“Oh God, _oh fuck_ , Ben-” Rey throws her head back and her gasps turn into panicked cries as he pushes her legs up to fuck her a little deeper. 

“Ah, _fuck,_ squeeze me,” Ben hisses with pleasure, his hands bruising her thighs. “Yeah, squeeze my cock with your pussy, Miss Niima.” 

The pressure in her cunt is starting to frighten her even if everything they’re doing is making her lose her mind; his words, how deep he feels inside her in this position (she’s almost folded over in half), the sounds he’s forcing out of her throat with each stroke inside her could almost be sounds of pain, the fiercely intense look on his face as his powerful body pounds mercilessly into her own.

Everything in her core is tightening up, she can hear her heartbeat in her ears, and it’s all building to a release that reminds her of another sensation- 

“Wait,” Rey sobs, suddenly squirming and pushing at him nearly in a panic to make him stop, “Ben, Ben it’s too much, I think I’m-,”

But it’s too late, her desperate movements under his body changes the angle and on his next thrust makes every single muscle inside her seems to clench down _hard_ all at once, so hard that she feels her body force him out of her and Rey _screams -_

A gush of liquid _squirts_ out of her. 

“Holy _fuck.”_ Rey can hear Ben swearing breathlessly, like he can’t believe what’s happening. She clutches at her bedsheets and tries futilely to get her body under control again, she’s crying softly from the intensity of her orgasm, tears running down the sides of her face into her hair when Ben takes his cock in his hand and gently pushes inside her again. 

“ _Ah_ ,” she arches her back, trying to get away from the pressure, everything feels hypersensitive and too swollen and but he’s kissing her, she’s filled with his tongue and his cock while she shakes helplessly with tremors and aftershocks. 

She stops thinking, her mind is blank, her eyes are unfocused as she stares up at the ceiling and loses herself in the rhythm of their bodies. 

She sobs and wails in time to his soft grunts and he doesn’t stop fucking her until she screams and she tries to close her legs and squeeze her thighs to keep it from happening again but a flood gushes out of her a second time. 

She almost blacks out, she probably does. 

She comes back to her body when Ben leaves her, stripping off the condom and fisting his cock furiously until he comes, spurting all over her drenched thighs, belly and the folds of her drenched sex. 

  
  


*** 

It’s nearly nine o’clock when they finally get around to eating the dinner Ben had bought them, standing in her kitchen and inhaling room temperature noodles. 

After that, they shower together, cramming into her hideous salmon pink bathroom. 

Rey thinks this part, Ben holding her close under the water, taking his time kissing her reverently and tracing his fingers over her skin, is even better than the sex. 

Ben helps Rey change her bedsheets. Then, clean and fed, they lie on their sides to watch a movie on her laptop. They argue about whether the girl in the movie had been one of the wives in Fury Road or whether Rey is getting her confused with another white, brown-haired actress. 

But it isn't long before Ben gets distracted, the hand resting on her hip slides between her thighs, rubbing slick lazy circles on her clit the way she likes it until she crests with a soft little moan. He lifts one of her still trembling legs to work his cock carefully into her. 

“Again?” Rey gasps, she’s tired and sore, but not unwilling. 

“I’ll do all the work,” Ben promises, grunting with pleasure when he bottoms out. “I can’t stop thinking about how hard you came earlier, _fuck_ , you’re perfect.” 

He doesn’t move at first, he’s content with kissing her neck and playing with her tender nipples until she’s whining and shifting impatiently, his dick inside her doesn’t hurt anymore and she grinds down on him, fucking herself on his lovely cock. 

He whispers into her ear how good her cunt feels around him, how good it feels when she comes, asking her to play with her pretty clit for him so he can feel her squeeze his cock, how tight and sexy she is- 

Rey comes with a cry, pressing her fingers pressed hard against her swollen clit, feeling herself clench hard around him, he grunts softly next to her ear, and then the next moment, his hands on her tighten and he’s coming with her, moaning his release into the back of her neck. 

***

Rey sleeps fitfully, not used to having someone in the bed next to her. She wakes up a few times throughout the night, still trapped between the state of dreaming and consciousness, amidst the disorientation of forgetting where and when she is, she slowly becomes aware of the warmth of his skin against her own, his arms wrapped like protective bands around her body, keeping her anchored and safe. 

Ben presses a sleepy kiss to her cheek, telling her to go back to sleep, so she does. It’s easy to do so in his arms, where she feels so loved and wanted.

She wakes again in the early hours of the morning to the slick glide of his tongue on her clit, her heels digging into his broad back.

“Mmm, Ben?” Rey moans, a little confused and a lot turned on.

“I have to leave to go to work soon,” he murmurs. “Wanted to make you come first.”

He works at her tirelessly, no penetration, just his tongue and his lips working at the tender folds of her sex until a soft orgasm takes her and she drifts back into an exhausted sleep. 

The next time she wakes up, she’s alone. 

She gets up to use the bathroom and finds she has to _limp_ down the hallway. Pain knifes through her whole body, particularly her hips and legs, with each step. The skin of her back and her knees feel like they’re skinned from being scraped against her cheap bed sheets. 

_Definitely overdid it._ Rey thinks to herself. Perhaps she should feel mortified or ashamed by her own excesses, but instead, she feels... _good._ Sore and tired, but satisfied, like she’s just finished marathon run, her body having been stretched and worked to it limits. 

_I didn’t know my body could even_ do _that._

She hobbles to the kitchen for some tylenol. A brown paper bag and a thermos of coffee awaits her on the kitchen counter. 

Rey reads the words scrawled in Ben’s hand on the paper bag as she opens it to take a fluffy cinnamon donut out of it. 

‘ _Last night was the best night of my life. Every night I spend with you seems to eclipse the last_.’ Something inside her chest pulses with longing. 

And even while she has to shift her weight from one foot to the other to ease the soreness between her legs while she stands there in the kitchen as she takes a large bite of the donut, licking the sugar from her bruised lips, all she can think about is how she wants him again, and _soon._

  
  


***

“Well, I’m in a relationship now.” Rose informs them without warning as soon as the waitress finishes taking down their order. 

Rey’s eyebrows shoot up, Finn does a double-take. 

“What?” Finn and Rey chime in unison. 

“That guys I met, that lawyer? Well, I was-” 

“Wait, the ginger lawyer?” Rey interrupts Rose in surprise. “I thought...you never even mentioned him after your first date.” 

“Yeah, well, there wasn’t much to tell. I was _trying_ to keep it casual. But then he started making excuses to stay over, he left stuff at my house so he could come over, he’d make some excuse to stay the night, and now he’a got a drawer of his clothes and a toothbrush and a razor.”

“Uh, well, I’d say something about how you don’t look real happy about the situation.” Finn says, “But I know nobody makes Rose Tico do something unless she wants to. Right?” 

“I don't know what to do.” Rose glares at her mimosa. “I _try_ to talk to him about it, and then he just nods and agrees with whatever I tell him, and then he goes down on me and I end up letting him stay the night again.”

Rey manages to hide her wince of pain as she gingerly shifts her weight in her unforgivingly hard chair. “Why don’t you just enjoy it,” she suggests, “The moment you’re sick of him, break it off for real.” 

“But he wants me to meet his mother!” Rose says, looking harassed. “I _know_ I am the sort of girl you want to bring home to your mother, but this is too fast. I haven't even told Paige about him. Oh God, she would _hate_ him.”

“What’s the matter with him?” Finn asks. 

“He’s so white.” 

“I’m white.” Rey objects teasingly. 

“Socio-economically you’re more of an inner city Latina, Lemon.” Rose says, quoting her favourite TV show. 

Rey laughs. 

“I’m serious. We can’t talk about the news without me wanting to brain him with a frying pan. He mansplains everything without even realizing. He only sees his family for holidays and birthdays, which I understand because his dad sounds like a monster. Oh, and he boils his fucking rice.” 

“Wow,” Rey says, after Rose has finished describing the last person in the world Rey would have paired her with. “The sex must be phenomenal.” 

Rose seems to deflate before their eyes. “It’s the best.” She admits mournfully, “I didn’t even know sex could _be_ like that.” 

They’re interrupted by the arrival of their food. Rey reaches under the table to squeeze her friend’s hand in solidarity. Perhaps she wouldn’t have understood before. But she does now. 

She gets it, how the right person could come into your life and upend everything, even if everything about them is _wrong._

“Don’t meet his mother if it’s not going anywhere.” Finn advises Rose after their food has arrived. “You’re sending him mixed signals, you need to draw a line in the sand. Otherwise, you’re just going to end up hurting him when it ends.” 

“But Rose has told him,” Rey says, feeling somewhat defensive of Rose even though she knows there’s no need for her to be. “She’s told him she just wants them to be casual. _He’s_ the one that’s trying to change her mind about him.” 

“Then you’re better off just ending it now.” Finn says gently. “Even if you’ve both got really good sexual chemistry. End it and make it clear you don’t see a future with him. Take it from me, I learnt this lesson the hard way.” 

Rose frowns. “We’re nothing like you and Jannah.” She tells Finn. “You guys started off, both on the same page about wanting to be in a relationship.” 

“And look where that ended up.” Finn shakes the hot sauce bottle over his cheesy omelette. “Even if we both really liked each other and wanted to explore where the relationship was taking us, the moment we realized we had different visions of the future, it just...died. She said she still wanted to be friends but she hasn’t called me or talked to me since the last time we saw each other. She probably feels betrayed, led on by me.” And Rey realizes, she has been so wrapped up in her own little world these past months, she has not realized until this moment, how badly Finn is still hurting from his relationship with Jannah coming to an end. 

Finn sets the bottle back down, his eyes look bruised, and they’re filled with something else, something that looks to Rey like bone-deep regret at the pain he had not meant to cause someone he loved. 

He leans over to speak his next words to Rose, but Rey receives them like a punch to the stomach. 

“So I guess what I’m saying is, if you don’t see a future with him...don’t lead him on. It’s not fair to him, and I promise you, it’s not going to end well for anybody.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know, it's been *titanic it's been 84 years gif.* I have 6 drafts of this chapter in my googledocs. Writer block blows. 
> 
> This chapter is an EXTREMELY belated birthday gift to my girl Carla, @cjcantina, she is the sweetest and prettiest Aussie Reylo and yes, I will fight you on that. 
> 
> Thank you so so so much to my peeps over in the Reylo Facebook Fanfic Recs Group. I saw each one of your encouraging words and lovely messages that were left for me earlier this month. They gave me the drive and determination to get this chapter finished and done. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this chapter, let's hope it doesn't take me nearly a year to update again hey?


End file.
